who needs a laugh

If women think they aren't meant to be in the kitchen, then why do they come with milk and eggs?

 

What kind of file makes a small hole into a big hole?







A pedophile.

 

What's the worst part about being a test tube baby?

You know for a fact your dad's a wanker.

 

I just have to

why do women have legs?













So they don't leave a trail of slime everywhere they go.

 

How many D&D role players does it take to change a lightbulb?

1D6

 

pretty funny...

 

What's the difference between pornography and art?









The government grant.

 

My karma ran over your dogma.

I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

I'm not driving fast-just flying low.

Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

"I is a college student."

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Life is too complicated in the morning.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Today's subliminal message is: ( )

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Born free... taxed to death.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!

Don't blame me! I didn't vote!

Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!

If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.

Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!

 

An elementary school teacher asked her class to say a sentence beginning with "I". Sally stood up and said "I like dressing up". "Very good, Sally", said the teacher. Tommy stood up and said "I went to the park yesterday". "Well done, Tommy", said the teacher. Dwayne stood up and said "I is the..." but the teacher interrupted saying "No, Dwayne, you should say 'I am', not 'I is'". Dwayne replied, "Okay then - I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

 

I like my women like I like my coffee;
Black, nutty, and hot enough to burn my mouth.

 

I like my coffee how I like my women - cheap, spilling out at the top, and keeping me up all night.

 

I like my women how I like my cars - good handling around curves and always ready for a ride.

 

I like my women like I like my coffee - in a cup.

 

I like my women like I like my coffee: Tied up in a burlap sack in the back of a Colombian warehouse.

 

I like my women like I like my busses;
Big, yellow, and full of children.

 

I like my women like I like my coffee: ground up and stored in a small tin can.

 

I like my women like I like my fish; surrounded by rice, wrapped in seaweed, and full of neurotoxins.

 

I like my women how I like my jokes - funny.