who needs a laugh

True story:

Two mortician's apprentices work together at the local morgue. They're pretty good mates, and they love throwing practical jokes at each other - you know, the occassional odd noise, lights going off, that sort of thing.

So one day early on one of the apprentices decides to give the other one the ultimate fright. He dresses himself in one of those sheets and lays inside one of the cabinets. These cabinets are like filing cabinets - only one sheet of metal on the bottom to lay the body on, and no metal on the sides, just a strip up the top for resting on the castors. It's so that the air can flow around easily in the refridgerator, but like the fridge, it's dark inside.

So he's in there for an hour. Another hour passes. It's getting on into the third hour and he's feeling a little chilly. So he lifts his watch to his face and presses the button to light it up to see the time.

And a voice next to him goes "Jeezus, you scared me!"

 

Wrestling a fat woman is like riding a moped.


Fun until someone sees you.

 

A Married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman, almost.."

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

 

Real excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32,
and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

 

I like my women like I like my toilet paper;
Quilted.

 

Astrological Signs Like You have Never Seen them

1. Taurus (April 21-May 21)

These people are earthy, natural, and have a direct approach to the opposite sex which can only be called tactless. The typical Taurus pickup line is "wanna fuck?" The typical Taurus comeback to that line is "no, thanks, I already have one asshole in my pants."

But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him. He'll rent a $200-a-night hotel room, and a $500-a-night whore, and pretend he is having fun. At least half of Mastercard's business is done with Tauruses.

A Taurus doesn't do anything unless there's something to show for it. Walk into even the most modest Taurus's home, and you'll see at least a whole wall of trophies. Never mind that they are for "Most Improved Bowler" or "Third Place, Rhubarb Pies" or "Fastest Sheep Catcher in Texas." It's the trophy that counts.

Tauruses tend toward all kinds of excesses. Food, booze, sex. In all cases, the Taurus person will bite off more than he can chew. Impotence is a regular feature of a Taurus's alleged love life.

Famous Taurus people include Barbara Streisand, Margot Fonteyn, Sandra Dee, Ella Fitzgerald, Irving Berlin, Johannes Brahms, Sigmund Freud, Sandy Dennis.


2. Gemini (May 22-June 21)

Gemini are shizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an enigma. Though they will usually tell you one thing, and then go do something absolutely different, they are not being two-faced. When Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do," he was probably looking at a gaggle of Gemini.

This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes
always have closets, but it is often difficult to tell if they are coming in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two Gemini men are walking down the street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by, and one of them sighs. The other turns to him and says "Brucie! Shame on you! What was that all about?!!" And Brucie answers, "Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And for the first time in my life I wished I was a lesbian!"

Gemini also love to "chase someone till they're caught." Women, especially, love to pricktease, and then when the guy falls all over them drooling, she'll *forget* she was ever remotely interested. Bitch.

However, Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible, so they are easily taken advantage of, especially by children. Most Gemini parents think that the new kid's fad is to sniff powder sugar. Geminis' children buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts, even when neither of their parents have sisters.

Famous people born under this sign include Marilyn Monroe, Joan Collins, Bob Hope, Tony Curtis, John Wayne, Pat Boone, Lord Larry Olivier, Queen Victoria, Brigham Young.


3. Cancer (June 22-July 23)

This sign produces the greatest mothers of all the zodiac. Cancers live for their homes and families. While the spouse is in a motel room with the secretary, the Cancer is sitting at home, telling the kids how wonderful it is that dad stays late at the office to earn more bread for the family home.
Cancers get married. And fucked. And married. And fucked. And married.
But who's counting?

Cancers are pretty dull lovers. Foreplay to a Cancer man involves a kiss on the cheek. Ask a Cancer woman what for play is, and she'll say "something they shout on a golf course before they throw out the first ball." The phrase "wham, bam, thank you, mam" was invented to describe a Cancer's honeymoon.

While they are pretty damned dull to others, Cancers have a good time, because they live in a dream world. Walter Mitty was probably a Cancer.

Other famous people born under this sign are Ernest Hemingway, Mary Baker Eddy, John Quincy Adams, Ginger Rogers, Olivia De Havilland, Natalie Wood, Yul Brynner and Red Skelton.

4. Leo (July 24-August 23)

With great personal charm and animal magnetism, Leos don't have to be good-looking to get some nookie. Leos are also romantic, which helps a lot in the free fuck department. However, all this charm is superficial, and though Leos make great one-night stands, they usually flop as spouses.

An example might be of the Leo couple who wind up in a candle-lit honeymoon suite, and she enters the bedroom in a classy lace nightie, and he slowly removes it, and kisses her all over. But when they get into bed, all they can do is talk about how wonderful and romantic they make each other feel. She's frigid and he can't get it up.

But on the brighter side, a Leo is a wonderful confidant, someone you can tell anything to. A good shoulder to cry on. On the other hand, a Leo tends to let conceit and vanity get in the way. They make great sales people -- they can sell fishnet stockings to a quadraplegiac.

Leos, however, are themselves very trusting and generous. The phrases "The check is in the mail", "I love you", and "I won't cum in your mouth" are all on the Top 10 Phrases to save for Leos.

Famous Leos include Peter O'Toole, Lucille Ball, Herman Melville, George Bernard Shaw, Cecil B DeMille and Claude Debussy.

5. Virgo (August 24-September 23)

A true horror in the sexual zodiac, Virgos are the only people who can become prostitutes and still claim to be virgins. A Virgo tends toward a practical and realistic attitude towards sex, so this little pun is not at all far-fetched.

A Virgo will, for instance, ask $50 for a blowjob, $75 if you cum in his/her mouth, or $20 a minute, whichever "comes" first. People born under this sign can be witty, articulate, charming, and 'lives of the party', but they usually fuck it up by hiding their emotions.

Virgos are the kind of people who put sanitized toilet seat covers down on a clean motel john. They are the kind of people who insist on using the unopened tube of K-Y. If the condom isn't vacuum-sealed, they won't go near it. And complete showers, if not disinfected baths, are required both before and after. And if you even touch a Virgos asshole, kiss your tryst goodbye.

Famous people born under this sign include Leo Tolstoy, Walter Reed, H.G.Wells, Upron Sinclair, Cliff Robertson, Sean Connery, Kitty Carlisle, Lauren Becall, Greta Garbo, Raquel Welch.

6. Libra (September 24-October 23)

Libras are anal retentives whose sole purpose in life is to be right all the time. They respond to admiration, praise and flattery, but only for a couple of seconds at a time.

Libras love living in style, especially if they cannot afford it. Show me a bitch who won't fuck until she's had jewelry, candlelight dinners in expensive restaurants & satin sheets, and I'll show you a loose Libra. To them, sex is something animals do. Of course that may be why they lead their spouses around on a leash.

Hobbies Libras love include interior decoration (when someone else is paying for it), fashion, needlework (including voodoo), listening to art shows, and watching concerts. Opera fans are almost always Libras.

These people will do almost anything for peace and harmony. The way
to drive a Libra ape-shit is to say "fuck me or I'll play loud punk rock music." Along those lines, Libras make the best hostages. Unfortunately, many of them also become cops. Nightsticks make a well-behaved lover.

Famous Libras include Friedrich Nietzsche, Eugene O'Neill, Brigitte Bardot (No? Really?), Julie Andrews, Angie Dickinson, Angela Lansbury,
Charleston Heston, and Helen Hayes.

7. Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac. Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone
normally ends in rape. The back seat is where he/she makes his/her
moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX...and his/her "toys".
Because of their obnoxious behavior, Scorpios are often challenged to
duels. Their choice of weapons is usually a tactical nuclear device at
30 paces.

Scorpios are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc. They usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to their capacity for total lust & sexual abberation. In youth, Scorpios hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age, they hang around playgrounds with bags of candy.

Charles Manson is a Scorpio.

Other famous Scorpios include Richard Burton, Dick Cavett, Will Rogers,
Son of Sam, the Hillside Strangler, the Boston Strangler, the Heimlich
Manuever Strangler, Teddy Roosevelt, Billy Graham, Katherine Hepburn,
& about 1/12th of the rest of the human race.

Scorpios posess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They think they are rebels & are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every penny of it. Despite all these shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it just depends on what catches their eye. Scorpios always want what they can't have, and generally manage to get it...sometimes legally.

Scorpios are held in awe by their enemies & are admired passionately by
their friends...both of them. And Scorpios return that loyalty...until
someone says "Good Morning" to them in a funny tone of voice. Scorpios
fear nothing. Most Scorpios are murdered in their beds.

8. Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

Their positive, optimistic enthusiasm for life makes these people fucking disgusting. They are a delight to be with, the life of the party, and are never a burdon to their friends, letting the woes of life roll off of them. Pretty nauseating.

A good sense of humor, warmth, romance and being a good fuck are
also attributes of the Sag. So with all this going for them, what ever could they do wrong? Well, sad but true, the Sagittarius person is a great one-night stand, but a lousy spouse. They get married, and married, and married, and never get carried away.

They dislike being tied down, and hate to even talk about it. A single Sagittarius is charming, but a married one is an obnoxious flirt who would sell his/her spouse for a roll in the hay with a new young stag/broad. And it often works out that way.

Sags also have a great temper. A Sagittarius couple is about as amusing a thought as marrying a Jewish American Princess to the leader of the PLO.

Famous Sagittarians include John Milton, Heinrich Heine, Martin Van Buren, Fiorello La Guardia, Jane Fonda, Kirk Douglas, Frank Sinatra, Joe Dimaggio, Noel Coward, Louisa May Alcott, Lee Remick, Mary Martin and Andy Williams.

9. Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

Class. That's what Capricorns have. Not much sensuality, hardly ever fun to be with, but lots of class. They tend to look taller than they really are, and, speaking of which, Capricorn men always seem to have 10 inches, even if they really only have 3.

Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they are really conservative, tight-assed cowards...with class. These are the true snots of the world. But they make good supportive wives....especially the men.

Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other people think of them, Capricorns can be a real pain. They are much more interested in appearances than any other sign. But if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even. They just turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees when they see you. Women who marry a Capricorn, and flirt, end up with a pussy full of cocksicle.

Most horoscopes claim that Capricorns can be the most passionate lovers in the Zodiac when they lose their inhibitions, but since they rarely touch drugs, this almost never happens.

Famous Capricorns are Louis Pasteur, Ben Franklin, Beethoven, Isaac Newton, Henry Miller, Rudyard K.ipling, Marlene Dietrich, Loretta Young, Mary Tyler Moore, Danny Kaye, Cary Grant, Janis Joplin and Elvis Presley.

10. Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

Charming, exciting, completely unpredictable and among the most original, inventive and complex people in the zodiac, Aquarians fuck like rabbits. The Kama Sutra was probably first used as an elementary school coloring book for Aquarius kids.

Though they are intuitive dreamers, they also have a sharp analytical perception. Thus, they can dream of a new sexual position and immediately know if it is a physical possibility. Advances in civilization, science, and new inventions are a special interest to this sign. Most sex aids were invented by Aquarians.

Generous to a fault, it was an Aquarius who invented the "pity fuck." Someone having a rough time? Well, fuck 'em! Literally! It'll cheer him up, at least. Of course, when an Aquarius screws you, you may walk bowlegged for months. It depends on how many positions, "toys" and hours the session lasts.

On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't give a shit for other people's opinions. At times they are careless, slovenly and absent-minded. Even odoriferous. People of this sign are the most likely to have fleas, lice, herpes and VD. And pass them on.

Famous Aqaurians include: Vanessa Redgrave, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and her sister Eva, Kim Novak, Paul Newman, Clark Gable, John Barrymore, Charles Dickens, Thomas Edison, Lewis Carroll and Robert Burns.

11. Pisces (February 20-March 20)

These wishy-washy nerds are the most sexually inept of all the signs. Pisces can't get it up, and Pisces women have pussies that are as wet and wide as the Mississippi. They often marry each other, which shows what nerds they really are. And of course they deserve each other. And it keeps the world fun for the rest of us.

The constellation under which they are born is sometimes called the "armpit of the zodiac", and it seems to rub off. There isn't enough Old Spice in the universe to solve this problem.

There isn't really much more to say about Pisces people. Except that creativity is often achieved through deprivation, and as a result, some of the most expressive artists were born Pisceans.

Some famous people born under this sign include Henrik Ibsen, Andrew Jackson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Anais Nin, Elizabeth Taylor, Ursula Andress, Renoir, Chopin, Handel, Rudolf Nureyev, Jerry Lewis, David Niven, Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash (They DO deserve each other!), Luther Burbank, Henry W. Longfellow, Jackie Gleason, Lawrence Welk, Dinah Shore, Enrico Caruso.

12. Aries (March 21-April 20)

Aries people are dynamic, quick, original, energetic, innovative leaders who are downright disgusting to be around. These are the first people bought joggers, and actually jogged in them. They are the people who read the text in sex manuals. And try to follow it by the numbers.

Aries are honest and direct, and quick to find a motel room when the boss's wife is horny. This is the guy who gets the woman into the bedroom with a promise of 10 inches and 3 times, and turns out to have 3 inches, but does it 10 times.

The Aries affair usually gets pretty kinky, because with that limber body and great stamina, they get bored with "the same old thing" every night. From woman-on-top to shetland-pony-on-top is not a long leap for an Aries.

Famous people in the Aries birthright include: Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Johan Sebastian Bach, Doris Day, Marlon Brando, Omar Sharif, Peter Ustinov, Harry Houdini and Debbie Reynolds.

 

Given the number of times I've been told to go fuck myself, I can objectively state this is true.

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

Some days ya just want to get a sore finger pushing speed dial.
Folks, this is old age, cunning & treachery at its finest.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is," he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

Now I feel much better.

Anger Management really works.

 

I really enjoyed reading your posts here. I feel much better now because they are funny. And if you will give me a chance again to read your other jokes, then it will be greatly appreciated.

 

A mother is 21 years older than her son. In 6 years she will be 5 times older than him. The question is,
"Where is the father?"

If we call the age of the mother "x"
And the age of the son "y"
We can write

x = 21 + y
(x + 6) = 5 (y+6)
So;
21 + y + 6 = 5y + 30
27 + y = 5y + 30
-3 = 4y
y = -3/4

A year has 12 months, so;
12 * -3/4 = -9
Leaving the age of the son at -9 months.
Where is the father?
Inside the mother.

 

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?



One has fits while shucking.

 

This is half-remembered from a book (which book I don't remember), but here goes:

During World War II, the BBC decided to raise the Britain's spirits by having a limerick contest. And since everyone knows the best limericks are always dirty, obscenities would be not only accepted but encouraged. The winner would get to read his or her poem aloud on the air.

It took the panel of judges weeks to read through all the submissions that poured in, but finally they announced to the public that by unanimous decision the winner was a middle-aged housewife from Manchester. However, while all the judges were emphatic that her limerick was by far the most hilarious one they'd ever read, it was so indescribably filthy that they couldn't allow it to be read on the air.

Well, you can't tell someone that a joke is that good and expect them to not want to hear it. After a few days of protest, the BBC relented, saying that the winner would be allowed to read her poem on the air, but only if the most objectionable parts were replaced by "da-da." What follows is the limerick she read:

Da da da da da da da da-da,
Da da da da da da da da-da.
Da da da da da
Da da da da da,
Da da da da da da fucking cunt.

 

Clown Shoes.

 

A priest, a rabbi, and Ted Bundy walk into a bar.
The priest says, "Ah, my flock is waning. People don't have the same faith they used to." He has a drink.
The rabbi says, "My people are persecuted the world over. But I still have faith in the greater good." He has a drink.
Ted Bundy says, "I made a nipple belt." He kills the bartender.

 

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow up doll.

The woman asks "Would you like a christian or muslim doll?"

Confused the man says "What’s the difference?"

"Well," replies the woman, "the muslim one blows herself up!"

 

Q: How many Ascended beings does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The Ascended do not interfere.

 

"Daddy, if there were some nuts on the wall, would they be called walnuts?"
"Sure. They're walnuts."
"Daddy, if there were some nuts on my chest, would they be called chestnuts?"
"Yeah, I guess they'd be chestnuts."
"Daddy, if there were some nuts on my chin, would they be called chin nuts?"
"No, that means you have a dick in your mouth."