A Snippet

This is just that. A little snippet I penned off quickly while in a writey kinda mood but too tired to do anything serious. Kreis and Gwen are both Alchemists and a decent chunk of the main cast of my novel. Kreis has a focus on the element of Fire, while Gwen is focussed on Wood. This definately takes part after the point where they become more than friends. *smile* I probably won't put this in the novel, but it's just so... them that I had to put it somewhere.

Rose

His hand trailed down her back, his fingers feather-light. She shivered, and shifted her book a couple of inches to the right to stop it falling off her pillow. He chuckled and ran a single finger across her shoulderblades.

"Some of us have to work in the morning," she said with a smile, suddenly squealing as he tickled the back of her neck. He knew that she was ticklish! "Hey! Stop that!"

"You love it when I fight dirty... huh."

She around so that she could see the bemused look on his face. "What's wrong?"

He flushed a little, and smiled that sheepish little smile that always made her knees weak. (The fact that she was one of the few people to ever see that smile may have been part of it. She wasn't sure. It was certainly one of his more endearing qualities, either way.)

"It's just... your Mark, that's all."

"You mean my Magemark?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "What about it?"

"I never realised that it was a Guemara Rose, that's all." He blushed harder, and she giggled despite herself. "Quiet, or I'll tickle you again."

"Ah, stop, please! I... I have to work in the morning!"

"You don't have to work now."

"Mmmmmm... good point..."

The book fell to the floor, forgotten.

I am sickening sweet and make no apologies. Guemara Roses only grow on places here magic is quite strong, but they're quite common Magemarks amongst Wood magic users. Which probably means nothing at all, just background static. Meh...

 

Nice one! Thanks for sharing it.

 

I love anything to do with literature, though have an eye for bad work (as you may recall from the whole Twilight discussion that sprouted up, Caity). You succeeded in not making me wretch, and I'd elaborate with compliments, but I've never had much experience with giving or receiving them, sadly. So I second what rroyo said.

*Awkward silence.*

 

*blush* Well, nice to know I can be sweet without being nauseating. It's not easy. I really love these two, though. They start off snarking and sniping at each other like its going out of style and then slowly start developing a quite strong relationship.

Plus Gwen gets Kreis absolutely shit-faced on whiskey. *giggle* I can't wait to write that scene.

 

Ashamed to admit I got a boner while reading this.

 

*blink blink* I... er... wow. I have nothing to say to that. (Except maybe that I had no idea my powers of implication were so well-developed. YIKES.)

 

*Coughs.* Anyway...I think a writer should be well aware of their characters thoughts as they write. Aware of their relationships and feelings, etc. Also, having a snarky side myself, I can relate a little, heh.

Oh, and...whiskey is a private fancy of mine, so I support said scene all the way. Keep up the good work.

 

*bows* Why thank you. I think the very first scene where they meet will have a fun ending. He'll snark, she'll snark back, eventually he'll leave.

Tayler (Gwen's Assisstant): You like him!
Gwen: Are you kidding? He's an arsehole! *pause* He is cute though, isn't he?

 

Ah, heh, I love contradictory moments like that. You seem to have good potential for plot & character development. It'd be a shame to let it go to waste. Though, that is what I tell myself when I'm sat staring at blank pages thinking of how to word what happens next, but it doesn't seem to help me. Hopefully you're a little better off for motivation than I am. My main motivation right now is to sleep, since I'm absolutely knackered, so I'll leave you with this biased rambling which holds little purpose:

Writing is an art form. It's up to you whether you keep it simple, complicated or just intricately worded. However you write though, for my sanity's sake, as well as the world's sake, just avoid swaying towards the writing equivalent of modern art (abusing the system by trying to make easy money for a mass of half-assed work under the guise of false quality - yes, I have issues with dumbed down products).

But alas, it's always nice to know not everyone thrives on the thought of senseless teenage vampires who have nothing better to do than attend school (go figure). Always trail back to Twilight... *Sighs.*

 

Oh please. You knew when you were writing it that you were trying to get all the strapping young men of the forum aroused. Now let me try mt hand at it...

 

*raised eyebrow* If your intent was to arouse, you failed. All you've done is confused me. (And showcased a few prime examples of why authors sould find their delicate balance between showing and telling.)

I'd also like to inform you that no woman, no matter how self-conscious, is gonna stick to snacking on just apples and carrots. The hormones go berserk. If she's far enough along to show, she's going to be a crazy ball of hormones and cravings.

 

Cravings, I like the sound of that. Wait no, don't bring me into this!

 

Too late. You have posted in the thread of WTF and now you will reap the... Oh fuck it. I'm too tired to be lyrical. Run! Run while you still can!

 

I missed the intent of arousal on your part and on Xiao's, the latter most likely because it wasn't really intended, and the former because it was non-existent in the block of runaround text that you provided. Your contribution defies logic.

Your writing itself is good in form, I admit, but Xiao has the advantage of a supernatural plot to develop, so to speak, and I don't think many people here are interested in plain, commonplace sex stories with little foundation or backing. If people wanted to read ordinary web erotica, I imagine they'd use Google and get on with it.

 

Kreis...sounds familiar...
:thinkof:
Is this, perhaps the same Kreis that the Kreis Mountains were named after??

On a serious note, does this (your novel) take place in the same world as The Fundamentals of Alchemy

 

The first line. :-o

 

At Yuki:

?????

 

Of course. That's the novel I meant. :roll:

 

Ahh... Confusion resolved.

 

Not that I agree with packers, but I don't understand how you can't find sexual implication in this piece. It's two people flirting before getting sensual in the bed. It's easy enough to bash him for immaturity without making yourself look like a fool by not understanding what is happening in the scene.

Anyways, Xiao's work is good. I've never read any of her Fundaments of Alchemy stuff, so I don't know these characters, but it provides that sweet and gentle, yet still sexy, feeling quite well. I'd proofread for grammar and spelling, of course, but that's something to be done once the work is finished.

Usually when I provide any decent critique, the author cries and complains as if I am attacking them personally, or deliberately bashing their style. So I'll just say less ellipsis plz, and move on.

EDIT: Packers, I've read my fair share of erotic fiction over the years*, and the flaw in yours is that there's really nothing particularly sexy about it. Unless you have a pregnancy fetish, but that's a situational thing. Bordering on something good, though.



*stfu, all of you. Women like that. Honest. D: