who needs a laugh

Why the blonde name her son Seven and a Half?



She drew his name out of a hat.

 

Can a shoe box?

No but a tin can.

Have you ever seen a salad bowl?

How about a square dance?

 

A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table snd hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.

The blind man eats and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Hey, I didn't know Gladys worked here!"

 

What does a guy with a nine-inch dick eat for dinner?







...Well, lets see. Tonight, I had...

 

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

 

A man approaches a woman at a bar and says, "you're going to get laid tonight."

Intriqued, the woman can only ask, "how do you know?"

Grinning, the man replies, "because I am stronger than you."

 

What do a 9 volt battery and a woman's asshole have in common?

You aren't supposed to put your tongue to either but you always find yourself doing it at least once.

 

What do Michael Jackson and a silver-medalist have in common?


They both came in a little behind.

 

What do pubic hair and money have in common?

They both does'nt grow on your back.

 

What do a walrus and a piece of tupperware have in common?

They're both looking for a tight seal.

 

What are three words you never want to hear when making love?

"Honey, I'm home!"

 

I'm fairly certain I haven't posted these before, but feel free to tell me off if I have.

***

Superman is flying around one day, having saved the world yet again, when he spots Wonder Woman lying naked on a balcony look very turned on. Well, he's always fancied her, and he figures what the hell, he'll do it.

He swoops down, does his business faster than a speeding bullet, and flies off again.

After a moment, Wonder Woman opens her eyes and asks "What was that?"

The Invisible Man climbs off her and says "I don't know, but it fucking hurt!"

***

A tour guide is showing people around the Empire State Building. They're up in the offices near the top floor when he stops by an open window.

"It's a little known fact," says he, "that the design of this building makes it possible to step out of a window on this floor and the wind pressure will push you back up before you hit the ground."

Well, as you can imagine, the tour calls bullshit on this, so the guide steps out the window.

ZOOOM! He goes flying towards the ground at top speed, and then suddenly he slows... then he comes floating right back up again! He steps in the window to a massive round of applause. One of the men on the tour decides to try it himself.

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOM-SPLAT!!! The poor sod gets turned into pavement pizza.

One of the tour looks out the window, then looks at the guide. "Christ you're an evil cunt, Superman."

 

Knock knock.

Who's there?

9-11

9-11 who?

You said you would never forget.

 

Fail. That's been done.

+++

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

 

Requesting more knock-knock jokes.


Knock knock.

Who's there?

Rufus.

Rufus who?

Yo roof is on fire!

 

Pastor John decides to pay Mr. Smith a visit one evening, and stops by his home. He sees Mr. Smith's car in the driveway, he hears music playing when he approaches the door. He hears footsteps when he rings the doorbell... but no one comes to the door. He waits, rings the doorbell again... still no answer. He waits some more. Knocks loudly on the door... still no answer. Finally, he gives up and leaves a note which reads, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him and he with me. -Revelation 3:20"
Next Sunday at church, Mr. Smith hands Pastor John a note which reads, "Genesis 3:10- And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself."

 

I just heard of a blood test that can find out if your kid is gay.

It's called an HIV test.

 

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later of naughty fun, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

 

What are Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett getting for Christmas?


Patrick Swazye.