who needs a laugh

A woman with two little dogs came in a bus:

Woman: " Is it possible that my two tities can come into this bus?"
Bus Driver: "Afcourse you can, because I never let my dick behind in a drawer."

 

I guess you had to be there?......

 

OOPS...I forgot to mention, that the name of one dog was titie, sorry. Now because there are two of them, it becomes tities*.

*Tits

 

Overheard (and seen) in the cinema today, half-way through the new 007 flic (Which fucking OWNS, btw...)

*guy starts messing with the girl sitting next to him, grabbing her tits*

"Stop that! Those are NOT public property!"

Right in the middle of about the only quiet bit of the film... XD

 

A silver-medallist came back home from the recent Olympics. Her boyfriend suggested that they celebrate for the night, so she bought some condoms from the Olympic Village for a bit of novelty.

They got home and she brought out the packets. Out came the 'Silver Medal' variety.

"What about the 'Gold Medal' stuff," her boyfriend quips.

She replies, "Well, now you'll know what it's like to come second."

 

snide remark from husband: "Good night mother of five."
wifely reply: "Good night father of one."

(with thanks to Benny Hill)

 

Why women are better financial planners than men.


Dan was a single guy living at home with his single father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'

Impressed, the woman accepted his business card.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

What was Saddam Hussein's least favorite shampoo?

Shwartzkopff

What was Saddam Hussein's favorite auto?

Land Rover

 

Economic models of our times, explained with cows.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

 

"The one on the left looks very attractive." :lol:



One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"



A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"

 

Why do firemen wear red suspenders?







To hold their pants up.


What are caterpillars afraid of?






Dogerpillers.

 

Why do Scots where Kilts?





Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.


What's green and hops from bed to bed?





A Prostatoad.


Why did Jesus cross the road?






He was nailed to the chicken.

 

A walk in the woods.

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

 

A plane landed to the sea and only three people survived to the nearby desert island. They were the captain, the first officer and a stewardess.

After a week the stewardess said: "This is too lascivious for me" and hanged herself.

After a week the first officer said: "This is too lascivious for me" and they buried the stewardess.

After a week the captain said: "This is too lascivious for me" and they dug the stewardess up.

---

Two finns were in a foreing country. The guide described locals to the tourist group: "They are damn sick people, half of they have AIDS and other half has tuberculosis."

First finn did not understand English, so he asked the other what the guide had just said. He replied: "Fuck those who cough."

---

A farmer had been sued for humping sheep. Where he lived, it was considered the most horrendous act to do, and he feared he would be hanged because of it. There were only two lawyers in the town, so he had to choose either.

One was considered very good, and he was always able to convince jury the witnesses are wrong and the person is actually innocent. The problem was, he was very expensive. The other lawyer was not good in talking, but he would choose fitting individuals to the jury. Farmer chose that lawyer, because he was so cheap.

When the trial began, the first witness described actions of the farmer. The lawyer did just sit and never said anything against. The farmer was fearing he was not a good choice at all. However, he did hear something that relaxed him. When the witness was describing how after the copulation sheep had turned around and licked the farmer clean, one of the jury whispered to the other: "That's what good sheep do."

---

A man was visiting his good friend, a sheik. The sheik had even lended one of his wives to the man for nights. Every night the woman shouted "Ula bula, ula bula", and the man did not understand what it meant. He decided she was praising him for his excellent bed-skills.

One day the man was playing golf with the sheik, and the sheik made a hole-in-one. He wondered for a second how he should praise such accomplishment, and decided to do it in sheik's own language. He shouted: "Ula bula, ula bula!" Sheik gave him a confused look and asked: "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

 

Subject: A gynecologist who wanted to be a mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

 

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, saw it was a little low, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma; but I'm glad I came.'

 

There is a woman coming by a doctor, and the doctor asked the woman to undress:

Woman: "Where should I put my clothes?"
Doctor: "Next to mine."

 

1959 vs. 2009

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.

2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.

1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1959 - Ants die.

2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

 

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have!"

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I didn't want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!!!!!!"