who needs a laugh

http://www27.brinkster.com/maxim2735/blood.txt

 

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

 

A pig, a wolf, a rabbit, a snake, a hippo, and a giraffe, all find themselves trapped in a deep pit dug by a hunter. For one reason or another the hunter never returned to check his trap ( or for that matter dug a pit that could fit a hippo, a giraffe and a pig ) and so the animals were left in that pit to die.

After a few days they animals start getting hungry and by the end of the week they're emaciated. So, they decide they're gonna eat someone. To make the process fair they all draw straws and whoever picks the short straw has to tell a joke. If everyone laughs, that animal gets to live, but if someone doesn't laugh, then the animal that told the joke gets eaten. They draw straws and the rabbit, as lucky as ever, draws the short one and has to tell a joke.

Rabbit finishes his joke and everyone is laughing. Everyone except the giraffe. So, the rabbit gets eaten. A few days later they're getting hungry again, and once again it's time to draw straws. The hippo gets the short straw and has to tell a joke. His joke is even funnier than the rabbit's. Everyone is laughing so hard they're nearly crying. Everyone except the giraffe. So, the hippo gets eaten. The hippo being bigger than the rabbit, ties them over for another week.

It's the end of the week, everyone is asleep. Suddenly, the giraffe starts cracking up. Pretty soon he starts laughing so hard that his laughter wakes everyone up. "What's the matter?!?" all the animals shout.

"It's the rabbit," says the giraffe. "He told a funny joke."

 

Why do Mice have small balls?

Because not many of them can dance.


Yes I know, but it's very late and I'm tired so screw you.

 

Two Irishmen walk into a bar, and sit down a few barstools apart.
"Hey, where you from?" one asks the other.
"Dublin."
"Me too!! I'm from Dublin!"
"Oh, yeah? What school did you go to?"
"St. Francis."
"By gory, so did I! Who was your favorite teacher?"
"Mrs. Hannigan."
"Saints preserve us! She was my favorite, too!"
"What year did you graduate?"
"'72."
"So did I!!!"
The bartender looks at his barmaid, and says, "Great. The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

You know, a banana is a lot like a traffic light, only backwards. Green means wait. Yellow means go ahead. And red means where the hell did you get that banana?

 

A depressed fox finds himself on a river bank. He can no longer handle his fox problems and decides to drown himself. Just as he's about to walk into the river, he notices a vending machine near by. This strikes him as odd, so the fox examines the machine and finds that it only takes hundred dollar bills. Since the fox is about to kill himself, he figures he can spend the hundred. Once he puts in the money, a cup drops down and gets filled with lemonade. The fox tries the lemonade and suddenly becomes very happy. No longer suicidal he leaves the river and trots off into the forest.

As he's walking through the forest he sees a sad bear walking by. He asks the bear why he's so glum and the bear explains that his mate just left him and he's on his way to the river to drown himself. So the fox tells him to keep walking to the river and to find the vending machine. Once he gets there he should buy the lemonade. The bear decides he'll give it a try. At the vending machine he pays his hundred and gets his lemonade. After a sip, the bear suddenly feels happier and goes back into the forest.

In the forest the bear meats a sad wolf. The wolf is told about the lemonade and soon finds himself in front of the vending machine. He puts in a hundred but nothing happens. He puts in another hundred but nothing happens. The wolf kicks the machine. Puts in another hundred and nothing happens. The wolf starts starts hitting the machine but it wont give him lemonade, nor will it give him his money back. Finally he knocks over the machine. Just as he's about to leave, out of the machine comes a little white mouse. The mouse jumps on the wolf's nose, looks him right in the eyes and says,

"Look man. First of all, all that pounding on the machine gave me a headache."
"Second, I have all the money I need."
"And third, I just can't pee anymore."

 

What follows is a transcript of a conversation that happened tonight at work, I hope it makes you laugh as much as it made me.....


Nobodie: "Ahh, chef, I have a guest who's a vegetarian and she want's to know what's in a few thing's".
Head Chaef: "What does she want to know about?".
Apprentice: ~interrupting~ "The soup of the day's good".
Head Chef: "What is it?".
Apprentice: "Zucchini & Bacon".
Head Chef: "BACON?".
Nobodie: ~start's laughing~
Apprentice: "Yeah?"....
Head Chef: "She's a VEGETARIAN dumb shit, get back to work!".
Nobodie: ~start's laughing and crying uncontrollably~
Head Chef: "AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING AT!".

 

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up,
except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate
family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class has all it can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to stifle its laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your other hand then."

 

An Irishman walks out of a bar

 

A priest walks past a grammar school.

 

HAHA, made you click.







what, you think that's not funny..... that's odd, i'm laughing my ass off.

 

Nobodie, we have enough comedians, now we need song and dance men.

 

Murphy and Donegan are sitting in their favorite pub, talking about life. Murphy says to his best freind, "Donegan, when I die, will ye promise to pour a bottle of 15-yearold Irish whiskey on me grave?"
Donegan replied, "Sure, sure I will, Murph, but would ye mind if it passed through me kidneys first?"

 

There was a greek farmer and he worked hard but he was very poor. In order to grow enough food to live he had to work all day in his field.

One day while ploughing, he tripped over a rock and cut his pants on the plough. Theses were the only pants he had so he took them over to the village tailor to get them mended so he could go back to work.

Upon entering the tailor shop, he tossed the pants on the tailors lap and waited. The tailor examined the tear and then addressed him.

"Euripedes?" he queried.

"Eumenedes," retured the farmer.


. . .


Aren't greek names wierd?

 

A nice, young jewish girl comes home one day, and nervously tells her mother she is in love and plans to marry. The mother asks, "Is he a nice jewish boy?"

"No, mother," responds the girl,"he's a very, very nice greek boy."

"Ohhhh, you don't want to marry one of them, they like to turn you over and stuff!" responds the mother. Thinking quickly, the girl says,"I swear mom, I'll NEVER let him turn me over."

"Well, O.K. then." the mother says. About a year after the marraige, the couple is settling into bed for the night when the man turns to his wife and says "Hey, why don't you turn over tonight?" "Hell no!!!" says the girl. "My mom warned me about you greek boys, and i swore I'd never let you turn me over."

"But darling, don't you ever want to have kids???"

 

What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

 

DOUBLE POST!!!!!

A rich man often went to Bangkok for the night life and before long he contracted sexual disease. So one day, he went to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor examine his private part and said, "This is a very severe case. We have no other way but to cut it away. otherwise, it will spread and become worse."
The businessman was shocked. the last thing he wanted was to have it cut and end his night life. He went to other doctors but all gave the same diagnosis.
Desperate he thought, "Why don't I consult traditional Chinese medicine. They might have some surprises"
So, the Chinese doctor gave him an examination and the doctor said," We don't have to cut. I'll give you herbs to rub."
The rich man was so happy. "Wow no operation, you are better than western medicine. I'm amazed, So what is the exact secret?"
The Chinese doctor said, "Just wait for three days. It will drop by itself."



There were three men: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy. They were having a competition to see which one could walk his dog over the desert without needing a drink.

So the Englishman set off, but he only got half way.

Then the Scotsman set off, and he only got half way too.

But the Chinese guy managed to get all the way across the desert.

The Englishman and the Scotsman asked him how he could possibly do that without any water?

"Me Chinese. Me not Silly, Me stick mouth round doggy's willy"

 

To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his "tool." Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, the sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain so he went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his "Johnson" immersed in a glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So THAT'S how you load those things!"