who needs a laugh

Bubba is driving in his pickup in Louisiana one day and sees a man about to jump to his death off of a bridge. He pulls over and says "What are you doing this for?" " I have nothing to live for." He replied. "What about your wife and kids?" "I don't have any" " Well what about your Mom and Dad? " Bubba asked. "They passed away years ago." "Well, what about Robert E. Lee?" "Who?" The man inquired. "JUMP YANKEE, JUMP!!"Bubba shouted.

 

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in
Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"; God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous." "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,"hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read
it."Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours."

 

Bear Hunting ˜
One November morning, old Boudreaux come out of the woods on a four-wheeler dragging a big black bear behind him. The game warden, Gaspard, just happened to be there and saw Boudreaux head straight for his truck. Now, let me tell you Gaspard had been trying to catch Boudreaux hunting illegally for the past twenty years or so but could never catch him. This morning was his lucky day, he just knew Boudreaux didn't have a hunting license, much less a big-game license. Gaspard waited until Boudreaux loaded up his four-wheeler and put the bear in the back of his pick-up and then drove up to him. He got of his truck and confronted him, "Boudreaux, let me see your hunting license for killing that bear." Old Boudreaux whips out his hunting license and shows it to Gaspard. Gaspard say, "Boudreaux, you also need a big-game license." Boudreaux then shows his big-game license. Gaspard say, "Mais, Boudreaux, I thought I really had you. You know I have been trying to catch you for the last twenty years. Now, I'm going to have to let you go, but before I leave, let me see that bear." Mais, Gaspard looked at that bear and tell Boudreaux, "I see you shot him three times, once in the head, and one time in each in the paws." Boudreaux say, "What you mean three times, I only used one bullet." Gaspard say, "Boudreaux that's kind of hard to do with one bullet." Boudreaux then say, "Now I remember, Gaspard. He put his paws over his face when I shined that spotlight on him." (For those of you who don't know, it's illegal to hunt bears at night.)

 

I've decided to revive this topic with a new joke.

This guys and hid wife are siiting around doing nothing when all of a sudden the guy says,
"I've got the urge for some serious oral sex."
His wife says,
"No, I cant. I'm having my period."
"So?"
"What if someone comes to the door?"
"I'll say I had a jame(jelly) sandwich nad I"m a messy person."
"Ok."
So they get into the action, when the doorbell rings. The guy opens it up, and it's the mailman.
"I have a package for you. Pleas sign here."
As the guy signs his name, the mailman says,
"What happened to you?"
"I had a jam(jelly) sandwich and I'm a messy person."
"Well, just so you know, you've got some peanut butter on your chin too."

 

Jokes only - Jar

 

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders some bamboo. After he finishes it, he walks to the back of the bar, shoots a hole in the ceiling, and starts to walk out. The bartender stops him and asks him what he's doing. The panda says he's doing exactly what a panda should and tells the bartender to look up panda in the dictionary. Puzzled, the bartender goes to the dictionary when he gets home and reads the entry for panda. A large mammal who eats bamboo shoots and leaves.

Okay so it's not that great in type, but it was hella funny when my mother told it at Christmas Eve dinner.

 

This guy comes home from work one night and finds his wife in bed with another man. He looks at the two of them for a minute and then says "What the hell is going on here?"

The wife turns to her partner and says "See, I told you he was stupid."

 

I can't exactly remember this, but it's roughly right...

Nigel and Cedric are at the fair. "I'm going to ride on the chair-a-planes", says Nigel.
"Oh, Nigel, you're ever so brave!" replies Cedric.
After about 30 seconds on the ride, Nigel's car becomes uncoupled, detaches, and is hurled 50m away into a solid brick wall.
Cedric runs over to check on Nigel.
"Ooh, Nigel, are you hurt?"
"I should say I'm hurt! I went around six times and you didn't wave once."

 

OK, i think we've gone long enough without this monument to an idea gotten out of hand, so here we go.....



"Allright class listen up" A teacher say's to her kindergarten class,
"Today we have some visitor's from the education board so we're going to show how we've learn't our abc's..."
"Now Tommy, can you tell me a word that start's with the letter A?".
After a few second's thought Tommy look's up and say's "Arse-hole miss".
"Tommy.." she reprimand's "We don't use that language here, now go stand in the corner. Now Micheal, can you tell me a word that sart's with a B?."
"Umm, bastard miss?" Micheal replies."Go stand in the corner Micheal, now!" the teacher barks.
"Sally, can you tell me word that start's with.... D" the the teacher say's after a moment's thought.
"Let's not make this any worse" she think's to herself.
"That's easy miss" Sally pipe's up with a bueatific smile on her face, "Dorf's".
"Dorf's?," the theacher replies, "What's a dorf?".
"Dorf's?... you know miss, those little cunt's with the big head's".

 

Deleted.

 

It's not funny. It's just crude, stupid and offensive for the sake of it, which also doesn't make it funny.

 

You mean you haven't read all of this DU?, shame on you, this should be mandatory reading for all new members. It would help weed out the undesirable's and leave us with more poeple like.... us... hmmm.... maybe not huh?. Actually i just might be the only one who has read all of it..... fuck ay?.


A man walks into a shrink's office, past the receptionist and other patient's waiting to see the doctor. He walk's right up to the doctor and start's taking off his clothes one by one and placing them in a neat pile on the floor. he then proceed's to completly wrap himself in Glad Wrap*, the doctor watches all unconcerned untill he's finished and say's "Well, I can clearly see your nut's".


Ok, it's a bit of a "boom-boom" joke, but fuck it made me laugh when i heard it.



*that clear plastic shit to cover open containers for those that don't know the brand name i heard.

 

There was this gynecologist, see, and he was tired of just looking at naked women and inspecting their bodies. So one day, he made a vow to himself, that he would have sex with the first woman who walked into his office. The first woman, to his delight, was a beautiful blond with huge breasts. She took her clothes off and lay down on the table. The gynecologist began to fondle and caress her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asked.
"Sure!" the blond replied. "You're checking my breasts for lumps." This was very frustrating to him, so he stopped and went down and started fingering her.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Oh, you're just checking for any irregularities and inflamations in the vagina." This really pissed him off, so he just decided to screw it all, and, well, screw her. So he's on top of her, giving her some of the old in-out, in-out, and he aks, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Sure. Getting gonorrhea. That's what I came in for."

 

This stuff was in my stoner friend's infinite AIM profile, I thought they were pretty funny so I figured I'd post them here.

Things to ponder:

My mom always said it and I'm sure yours did too. "A penny saved is a penny that can be spent buying drugs."

I'm a soldier, baby. That's what I do. I solj.

Congradulations, u just electricuted a dead man.

I don't care what anyone says, pinball is not a thing of sorts

profound statement

I'm gonna climb the fuck out of that tree

Keep on truckin'! Unless you dont have a truck, then I guess you could use something like a bicycle or a golf cart, but it's just not the same.

There's a little thing called trust....and there's a big thing called elephant

Keep on golf cartin'!

I flipped a pepperoni and called "heads or tails!" and he called heads, but there's no heads on pepperoni, stupid.

They say you should live out your dreams, but i dont think I want to clone my dog so my dog and it's clone can kill eachother.

I'm pretty sure that in a traditional barter system, The value of a cheese cave is approximately equivalent to that of 6 corn pies.

I would have given you a bear hug, but bears don't hug, the rip people to pieces, and then eat them.

I doubt Highway to the Danger Zone would have been on the sweet Top Gun soundtrack if it was Highway to the Silly Zone.
"Highway to the silly zone. gonan take a ride into the silly zone!"

Everytime I try to dress up as a clown I always just end up looking like a fool

To turn a frog into a prince u say alakazam. and to turn a frog into a black person u say Africa dabra.

Pi is actually 3

Name ur first born Jizzerto. Just do it.

I may say stupid things, but I always say what I think.

When you order a peach cobbler à la mode, REMEMBER THE A LA MODE.

I'll slap a janitor to that

how about some greenades and ham? boom! hahahaha

Hey! You should invent the wheelbarrow!

When ur seal is barking and ur friends cant see it and are like "what is that?" be like "it's my dog" and make them think u really have a dog. I bet they'll believe u.

Suck sex is a success when u have assets like ass sex.

I don't know what you guys' problem is, but if you got beef with eachother, you can grill it up and eat it

If you're ever throwing fire crackers in a museum and someone starts yelling at you, say "chill out, guy. What's your problem? I'm just throwing fire crackers in a museum."

Don't settle for less when u can settle for a million dollars

WARNING: do not ponder this line

I love you more than a car wreck

If you're ever stuck floating on a rock in hot lava in a volcano and someone throws you a calculator, thank them, because they meant well.

Your nipples smell funny

it hurts when i do this--ouch

Kalamazoo Optimist Hockey Association(KOHA) - "we may not be the best hockey association in Kalamazoo, but doggonit, we're darn good people."

OMG! HOLY SHIT! I FOUND AN OYSTER!

huhuh, u said lettuce

he probably plays apple-strike.....what a noob

keeping an asian kid to do ur homework and pop out of ur backpack to grab boobs

Turn blue, godammit! U always do red green and yellow, just gimme a fuckin blue!

this cheese stick sucks ass.

godammit! they are always in my way being all like "hey, im in ur way!"

big purple things like barney, they make me harney

Sorry if you think these are juvenile, or a waste of time.

 

One day a man tried to get a job at this really great company. He passed every test with flying colors. At the final interview, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
“I can fix that with some aspirin. I just take some and I’ll be better in seconds.�
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says, “We don’t approve of womanizing!�
The guy says, “Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while you’re winking?�

 

What did the blind, deaf, mute, mentally-retarded kid get for Christmas?







Cancer.

 

What's the difference between mechanical and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.