who needs a laugh

Two Russians walked into a bar and ordered one drink each. Now, one of them was a drinker much faster than the other, so they cheered and started drinking.
Soon enough, the first Russian had finished his drink, so he ordered another one, but as he did so, his friend said:

"Wait, Boris! I not as fast drinker as you are!", to which he replied:

"It is okay, comrade! I don't want to rush ya!"

---

Xaxaxa!... No, I know, it's absolutely horrible.

Rush ya = Rush-ya = Russia...

 

"Look," a friend said, "we've all turned a blind eye to your bestiality until now, but your lust for bigger and more exotic animals has gotten out of hand."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I replied.

Annoyed, he shouted, "I'm talking about the fucking elephant in the room!"

 

When asked to name his favorite letter, the pirate replied, "ARRRrrrr!"

"But me first love is the C!"

 

There were three people standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris: A Frenchman, a smart American, and a witch.
After a while, the American suggested that the three of them would all make their way down the tower, and see who would get down first.
So, the Frenchman and the witch accepted the challenge, and made their way down:

The witch flew down on her broom, the American jumped, and the Frenchman used the stairs.

Which one of them reached the ground first?



The Frenchman, because smart Americans do not exist, nor do witches.

 

Speaking of jokes in the other thread, and as Sickipedia is currently (and seemingly permanently down), I thought I'd post what I can remember from my "hilarious" back-catalogue for the sake of posterity. Here we go:

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," said the vet.

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I came home the other day to find my son with some guy's cock in his mouth.

A hell of a way to find out he was a cannibal.

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"Look love, face down ass up! What the fuck is it you don't understand?!"

Anyway, me and my wife lost the wheelbarrow race.

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I saw a woman walking down the street, and moments later thought, "What a knockout!"

My trusty truncheon never fails me.

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When I told my sister she was going to be an aunty, she was beaming like an idiot.

Until I added, "When I get through with you."

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My wife farted while I was having sex last night, it really put me off.

It was so loud I heard it all the way down the hall in our son's room.

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At first I tentatively slipped one finger in, it felt so snug and warm it was great. Feeling bolder I added a second, and I was happy to notice the sensation was even better than the first. So I added a third, and a fourth, until finally I thrust my whole hand right fucking in there!

I love my new set of gloves.

 

Redacting all offensive material!

 

Jojobobo you have offended me and my sense of propriety!

I demand you walk on eggshells around me, sir! EGG SHELLS!!!

 

The least racist thing I have ever witnessed.

 

"So I tell you what mate, last weekend in Amsterdam I had the best wank of my life. Jizz literally flew everywhere, I'm a little surprised my dick didn't split in half!"

"Why, did you go to one of them live sex shows?"

"No, Anne Frank's House!"

 

What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Oh. And I'm back. Missing this place really really really bad.

 

I am not sure if I already told this joke, but here goes:

A man goes to the Red Light District and looked at one of the windows. Then he knocked on the window and asked: "How much?" The woman told the man that it cost 100 Guilders*. The man looked surprised and said:"Wow....that IS really cheap for a double-glazed window!"

*or the Euros if you want to make it more recent.

Astronaut Jimmy: "Can we take her with us to Mars?"
Astronaut Catherine: "Sorry, no more space.

PS: Happy belated New Year to you all.

 

Q: Where does the redbreasts go to when it is summer?

A: To the beach.

 

I'll never understand women. The other day my girlfriend asked me to make her asshole aquiver.

Still, she screamed when I got my arrows out.

 

First-visiting my parents' house, my girlfriend was appalled at the sign on the door: "No butt-fucking queers allowed."

"Well, I guess they just prefer blowjobs now," I said, before introducing her to my two dads.

 

Recently at a dog show I bought a remedy for fleas, worms and chronic poo eating.

Two weeks later I'm still no better.

 

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

What I'm wondering is, when is he going to kick his apple phobia and become a real physician?