who needs a laugh

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

One day a son asked his father what was the difference between "theory" and "reality". His father thought and then said "Go ask your Mother if she would sleep with the next door neighbor for a half million dollars."
The son went to his mother and asked her. She thought about it a minute and then said, "Yes, yes I would."
The son returned to his father and told him her reply. The father then told the son to go ask his sister if she would sleep with the next door neighbor's son for a half million dollars.
The son went to his sister and asked her. She thought about it for a minute and then replied, "Yes, yes I would."
The son returned to his father and told him his sister also said she would.
The father said, "Well son, there you have it. In theory, we're living with a million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

 

That second joke is brilliant mrnobodie!

 

A young boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, today we talked about politics in school, but I really didn't understand it. Could you explain it to me?" His father looks at him and says, "Sure son, it's like this. Think of our house as the country, I am the President because what I say goes. Your mother is like Congress, because she has the option to overrule anything that I say. The nanny is like the working class, she works hard every day to make a living. Your baby brother represents the future of the country."
That night the boy awakens to his baby brother crying. Going to his parents bedroom he sees his mother asleep, and his father gone. He walks into his brother's room and changes his dirty diaper. As he is going back to his room he hears noises from the nanny's room. He peeks in to see his father banging the nanny.
The next day at school the teacher asks the class what they have learned about politics. The boy stands up and says,"Well, while Congress is asleep the President is fucking the working class and our future is in deep shit!"

 

What's the difference between Britney Spears, Shakira, Mandy Moore and Christina Aguilera?

Absolutely nothing.


From what I can see, the best Britney Spears joke ever has now been released by Paramount.

 

THE ABSOLUTE WORSE THINGS TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

 

As an officer of the Lore, I object to the fact that I find your post very, very funny.

 

DU I saw the same joke on a website except it used lawyers instead of Bill Gates. The punch line is "yesterday we were recruting today you're an associate."

 

What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?

A DICKtator. :lol:

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a light-bulb.

Every where Bubba went, Sam and Charlie followed him. Anytime you saw Bubba, soon you would see Sam and Charlie too. One day Bubba died. Sam and Charlie were asked to come to the morgue to identify the body. Charlie walked in the morgue, looked at the body, and asked the coroner to roll the body over on it's stomach. The coroner did so.
"Nope, that's not Bubba," Charlie replied and then walked out.
Sam walked inside and saw the body, and asked the coroner to roll the body over on it's stomach as well. The coroner did so, curious now.
"Nope, that's not Bubba," Sam replied.

"Lemme ask you something, Sam," said the coroner. "Both you and Charlie asked me to roll Bubba's body over ass-end up, and then you both said that it's not Bubba. Why?"

"Well," said Sam, slowly, "Everywhere Bubba and Charlie and me went, everybody said 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"

 

A Convent of nuns had a cookie and apple sale. They had a long table with apples at one end, and cookies at the other. The nuns were expecting a lot of young children, so they put a sign up at the apple end of the table that read, "Take only one! Remember, God is watching!"

Pretty soon one of the nuns saw a sign being put up by a young boy at the cookie end of the table. It read, "Take all the cookies you want!! God is watching the apples!!"

 

"Afghani Battle Donkey"?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHHAHA

Somebody mod this into Civ III. That'd be a great Unique Unit.

EDIT - I swear Vlad the imposter just posted a hilarious pic. Now it's gone. What's with people deleting/editing their posts today?

_________________
*Ignore any and all typos in the above post. All you pedantic fucker's, can take you're little spelling hang-ups write over their.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Milo on 2002-03-05 15:58 ]</font>

 

Sorry guys, I had to delete the post because it was screwing up. Milo's post made it up while I was deleting. Here is the picture.

 

Here is another.

 

Yeah, seen that last picture...that Afghani Battle Donkey is hilarious :smile:.

Here's an extremely racist joke:

Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

 

As a proud owner of a Battle Donkey, I find all of your posts offensive. I believe you should now all make amends by kissing my All-Knowing Ass.

Don't make me come over there and kick your donkeys.
_________________

Give Sheriff all your hard-earned cash, Jar

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Sheriff Fatman on 2002-03-06 04:56 ]</font>

 

Bill Clinton and Boris Jeltsin is walking along the harbor.
"Our submarines can stay under water for 6 months" says Boris
"Hah, our submarines can stay under water for 8 months" says Bill.
Then suddenly a old rusty submarine comes out of the water, the hatch opens and out comes a man.
"Heil Hitler, haben sie diesel."

 

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck... This is your Grandma's idea."


Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district. A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Say guys... Would you like a hand job?" The bum shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it's ok." A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Say guys... Would you like a blow job?" The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it's ok." After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes, and we've been offered two jobs already!"

 

:grin: - Nobobie does them funnier.

 

*quote* Nobobie does them funnier. *quote*

maybe you should be getting your ass to do the typing perhaps? :smile: