who needs a laugh

Congress.

Heh, just kidding.
I and my wife know a lot of people who cheat, or are cheated. And she asks me "Why do people even cheat? Why start an on-the-side relationship? It doesn't make any sense to me that these people don't break of the relationship before starting a new one."

"I don't know. The dick's always bigger in the other house?"

 

What do you get if you cross-breed an elephant with a common house cat?




A lifetime ban at the zoo.

 

What is the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer?

The taste.

What is the difference between gays and rabbits?

The rabbits crawls in their own holes.

 

What's the difference between a penis and a thermometer?

There's no such thing as "getting caught putting a thermometer in your kid's mouth."

 

What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and the average post in this thread?

The thermometer isn't trying to be funny.

 

A group of especially brazen thieves broke into the local police station and stole every single commode from the restrooms.

At a press conference the following day, a police spokesman told reporters, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

 

You know we can't compare to thermometers.

So I'm at the dentist, and I've got to get a filling repaired. The doctor prepares a syringe full of novocaine and as he guides it toward my face, I start laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"Normally I go numb before I take a shot in the mouth."

 

What's the difference between a brothel and your mum's house?

Your mum's house is a lovely place; a safe haven where I can take a much needed break from the troubles of the world. She waits on me hand and foot, really pulling out all the stops to make me feel welcome - honestly I feel like I'm part of the family! I'll never hear a bad word against your mum, and if anyone has anything unpleasant to say to her they'd have to say it to me first.

A brothel is where I fuck your sister.

 

I was in the pub with my mate Dave the other night, when this hot babe walked past - Dave said:

"Her ass is like an onion..."

"Let me guess - it makes you want to cry."

"No it makes me want to shoot my load all over it. That reminds me, you didn't have of any of my wife's onion salad at the bbq last week did you?"

 

I had a huge argument with my gay lover the other night; he said that I should come clean to my wife or he'd seriously consider leaving me.

Fortunately we resolved things in the end though - we came to blows.

 

Did I ever tell you about my room mate that could only ejaculate raw egg?

I walked in on him sucking himself off once, boy did he have egg on his face!

 

Have you heard about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic?

He'd sit up all night, wondering if there really was a Dog.

 

Here's my Mother's Day joke - I know it's different in America and most other places so I guess you're getting an early treat. I apologise in advance:

What do you call an older woman who does ass to mouth on the first date?

I don't know, but you - I guess you'd call her "mum".

 

I think that joke would actually have been funny without the punchline. It's not as if anyone didn't understand what you were getting at.

 

I suppose, I guess subtelty isn't my strong suit.

 

What's the difference between ass to mouth and mouth to mouth?

I don't know, which is why I'm not allowed around CPR dummies anymore.

 

What did the hungover and horny coprophile say to his girlfriend?

Ugh, I feel like fucking crap.

 

After nabbing an old woman's purse some weeks ago, the police eventually hauled me in and arranged me in a line up. The old woman entered, looked us all up and down, and after a few minutes successfully fingered me for the offense.

I don't care how annoyed she was, it still felt like a bit of a violation.