who needs a laugh

My neighbour thinks I'm nosey and invasive, that I'd go to any lengths to learn more about his personal life. If he wants to believe that crap then fine, but he could at least have the decency to say it to my face instead of private messaging his friends on facebook about it.

 

My step mother was going on a rant, at dinner, about a female bartender's unfortunate looks, saying "If she just did her hair right,", or "if she put on make-up properly," or, "if she dressed in a way that complemented her figure..."

This went on for a few minutes. When she was done, I said,

"I know, right? She'd be pretty if only everything wasn't wrong with her."

 

I don't think many people know how to react when they discover a corpse. For me, after I found out that the previous occupier of my house had killed, preserved and walled up his wife in the living room, I felt many things: shock that someone had managed get away with it for so long, stupidity for not noticing anything unusual sooner, sadness over the loss of a precious human life, but most of all anger - anger at the terrible injustice of the world.

To think, all these months I've been wasting money on keeping the cemetery caretaker quiet when I could've just stayed at home!

 

The other day a guy completely stopped what he was doing and asked me to turn the volume down on a video I was watching on my phone.

Angrily I replied "Oh so you're one of those conservative types who hates porn. I suppose next you're going to tell me I'm an addict? Well screw you mister, you're not the boss of me!"

"No, far from it. But I do think there's a time and a place" said the eulogist.

----------------------------------------------------

Me and some friends were pretty drunk the other night, so we decided to play truth or dare. I went for truth, so I was asked "What's the most disgusting video you've ever masturbated over?"

Embarrassingly I admitted "Well there's this one that's been circulating for a while now that's pretty gross, but being the guy I am I still rubbed one out over it. I can't quite remember the title of it though, it was two something... two... two..."

"Two girls one cup?" a friend suggested.

"No that's not it... Wait, I've got it! It was two cats one blender!"

 

A man walked into a bar...

and started drinking heavily, clearly depressed. A beautiful woman asked him what was wrong.

"My wife kicked me out," he replied. "She says I'm too kinky for her."

"My husband just left me because I was too kinky for him!" She said. "Why don't we get together?"

So they went back to her place and she went into her bedroom to 'slip into something more comfortable.'

Fifteen minutes later she reappeared in a leather jumpsuit, with a whip, handcuffs and assorted dildos, the whole kit and caboodle. The man was halfway out the door.

"Hey, where are you going?" She said. "Don't you want to get kinky?"

The man replied. "Hey, I fucked your cat, took a shit in your purse, I'm outta here!"

 

Fucking kids on my front lawn - I guess that's how the police first knew I was a paedophile.

 

Three men are about to be executed by guillotine.

The first man, who is religious, requests to be placed face up in the guillotine so that he could look up at his maker before he dies. They grant him his request and when they release the blade, it slices down and suddenly stops, just a few inches above his neck.

Taking this as a sign of his innocence , they remove the man and let him go.

The second man, an astronomer, also requests to be placed in the machine facing up so that he can ponder the skies one last time before he dies. Again, the request is granted and again, the blade stops before killing him and he too is freed.

The third man, an engineer, figures he'll take a shot and asks to be placed face up as well. As soon as they slide him into place, he looks up at the blade and says, "Oh, I see the problem."

 

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given $50 to measure the height of a building.
The mathematician buys a ruler and a sextant, and by determining the angle subtended by the building a certain distance away from the base, he establishes the height of the building.
The physicist buys a heavy ball and a stopwatch, climbs to the top of the building and drops the ball. By measuring the time it takes to hit the bottom, he establishes the height of the building.
The engineer puts $40 into his pocket. By slipping the doorman the other ten, he establishes the height of the building.

 

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all staying in a hotel. It is a hot day, so they all have their windows open. Late in the night, after they've gone to bed, someone lets off a firework outside, and sparks fly in the windows, setting the curtains on fire in each room.

The engineer is first to wake up - he sees the burning curtains, looks around the room, and spots a fire extinguisher. He immediately leaps out of bed, grabs the extinguisher and empties its entire contents over the curtains, putting out the fire. Then he goes back to sleep, satisfied.

The physicist wakes up next - he also sees the burning curtains and spots a fire exitinguisher. So he leaps out of bed, grabs a pen and notepad and, making appropriate assumptions about the size of the curtains and the rate of flow of the extinguisher, calculates the approximate duration of extinguishing jet needed to put out the fire. Then he tests his hypothesis by using the fire extinguisher for that length of time on the curtains, and seeing that the fire is put out, goes back to sleep, satisfied.

Meanwhile, the mathematician also wakes up. He looks around the room and spots the problem - burning curtains. Then he looks further and spots a fire extinguisher. So, realising that a solution to the problem does exist, he turns over and goes back to sleep, satisfied.

 

I got fired from work today because of the inappropriate feelings I had in regards to my boss.

In my defence, if he didn't have such an odd shaped head maybe I wouldn't have touched it so much.

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People say I should potty train my 3 year old daughter, but I don't think I'll bother.

If I did, I'd have to start buying lube.

 

What is the best gift for a dead baby?
A dead kitten.

 

My girlfriend sat me down for a serious talk last night. She told me "I don't appreciate how you constantly tell me disgusting and inappropriate facts for your own amusement, and until you grow up I think it's best we spend some time apart."

"Well I don't appreciate that your vagina is morphologically quite similar to your grandmother's" was not the response she was looking for, apparently.

 

Why did the muslim cross the road?



TO BRING DEATH TO THOSE WHO JOKE ABOUT ISLAM!

 

What's the difference between laxatives and Viagra?

I don't get an erection every time I take Viagra.

 

There's an expression in comedy, 'blue' humour.

As in a steak cooked so briefly as to be nearly raw.

Blue < rare < medium < well-done.

So, a blue joke would be finding something inappropriate and just saying it because that's funny, right? No, it's just inappropriate. You know who you are.

Also, for the record, the initial post on this thread begins...

And now, a joke... Um...

Life insurance... We bet you you'll live long enough to pay us more than the policy will pay if you die.

Customer... And what if I die early?

Life insurance... You win.

 

Blue jokes...
Reminds me of that day, not so long ago, when i was telling Jew jokes in front of a Jewish girl, just to discover myself surrounded by angry faced people, and an angry Jew...

So, now a joke...

There is a clown.
Enter another clown.
...
Now there's two clowns.

 

Yeah jokes that rely on inappropriateness for humour are the worst.

I've done quite a bit of looking into the nature of comedy recently, and what comedians think it is acceptable to joke about. Someone made a point that it is acceptable for artwork or literature to boil down to what is essentially nothing more than shock factor, but when jokes do it people have no problems sanctioning these jokes as being beyond an acceptable limit. I like inappropriate jokes as I like how they reflect back on the person who tells them, and I also think that people almost always have some inherent deviancy from the perceived norm when it comes to sexual and aggressive behaviour which is why there's something of relevance and value to that vein of humour; it's a reminder that no one is 100% normal. Besides, despite the fact that my previous joke was very lowbrow - it's still quite difficult to articulate something that hasn't been said somewhere else already.

As for mrnobodie, he leads with a blowjob joke so I can only assume he was being ironic.

For a joke, here you go:

It's true what they say, kids will eat anything that's brightly coloured. That's why I always keep myself well stocked with edible body paint.

 

okay okay, i give up. I knew it wasn't fair when I wrote it, but we're all entitled to an opinion.

for the record, I also disdain lazy-minded 'art'.

and at least my joke was about consenting adults (except the cat).

A man walks into a bar...

"Bartender, a glass of your finest champagne!"

"Yes sir, what's the occassion?"

"My first blow job!"

"Well then, sir, have an entire bottle on the house."

"No, thanks, one glass should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."

 

Re:

No of course people are entitled to their opinions, and I appreciate my sense of humour is niche. As for lazy-minded art, I never mind it and can find it just as enjoyable as more intellectual work; sometimes a person is going to want to watch Schindler's List and other times Snakes On A Plane.

Here's a more innocuous joke:

My dog's a bit like marmite - he's brown and he tastes a bit weird.

 

I love beef dripping.

I guess that's why I use two hands when performing a rectal examination on a cow instead of just one.