who needs a laugh

When I was in my twenties I really wanted to join the mile high club, but these days I couldn't give a flying fuck.

 

I've come up with a new parlor trick -

I swallow two separate lengths of dental floss, and they come out tied together.

I shit you knot.

 

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man
standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both
run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered
voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you
have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband
to leave my wife's alone and start using
yours?'

 

A husband is in the delivery room with his wife as she sweats and grunts through her last few moments of labor.

"Keep pushing! You're almost there!" encourages the attending doctor.

A couple more deep breaths and some strained pushes and the mother releases a sigh of relief as she brings her first child into the world.

The doctor gingerly clips the umbilical chord, wraps the child in a clean towel, and proceeds to slam the baby into the stainless steel counter top of the delivery room.

The couple stares, paralyzed by horror as they can only watch the doctor gleefully hammering the tiny broken body on the hard, metal surface.

Finally, the husband regains himself and exclaims, "What the fuck are you doing to our baby?!!"

To which the doctor replies, "Relax--it was dead when it came out."

 

What do you call a male pig at an artificial insemination unit?





Pulled pork.

 

I had some right trouble with a kid the other day. It took me what seemed like forever to pin the little fucker down, and even then it wouldn't stop kicking and biting at me. I had to fight hard to keep ahold of it, all the while grunting and sweating like a pig. If anything its panicked cries just made me go at it with more fury. After a good half an hour I finally finished, and I lay there spent and exhausted whilst the kid ran away.

There was nothing wrong with its bloody hoof anyhow, sometimes being a goat farmer can be a thankless job.

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My blind, deaf nan had colostomy the other day; she even has the little bag that collects her waste.

My family are pretty upset, but I tend to look on the bright side - it's going to halve the number of showers I take in a day.

 

What do you call someone who double posts on forums?

Spoiler

A double poster.

 

Well in my defense I'm desperate to increase my post count. Onto some more of my classy homegrown jokes:

When rumours started spreading at work that I'd abducted and had sex with my neighbour's child people were constantly talking behind my back, saying things like "He's disgusting."

I thought that was a bit harsh to be honest, granted he wasn't the most attractive little boy but he was at least a 6/10.

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When I was younger, my brother had a larger penis than me; he was always rubbing it in my face.

That is, until Dad caught him.

 

WTF dude?!

Even if raping children could ever be considered amusing - which it is not - you've played the card too often now.

Geez, I got a joke for you...
What's the difference between an English boarding school and a prison?

Spoiler

They use lube in prison.

 

What's the difference between Australia and a prison?

After you've suffered enough you get released from prison.

 

How can you tell if an Englishman is hiding quiet desperation and loneliness behind a brittle mask of cynicism and banality?

Spoiler

He says something.

 

What do you call an Australian with an undeserved sense of superiority?


An Australian.

 

Re:

I think it's quite normal to make jokes about distressing and upsetting subjects, and because I have a rather twisted sense of humour I find jokes like that funny. It's not that I find genuine real life tragedies funny, but I think it's best to make light of these things in a hypothetical sense as it helps to lessen the grim reality that these things happen. Also, why so serious?

As I can tell that you're desperate for more child sex and incest jokes, here's some more I plucked from my mind. They're more the one-liner variety:

My wife farted during sex last night, it completely put me off. It was so loud I could hear it all the way down the hall in our son's room.

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I used to be in adult films, until the police caught my uncle.

 

Look, we all put two and two together about you and your fiance's little brother a long time ago, Jojo, you can drop the act now... you're in a safe place.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
A. To get to the same side.

 

Nahh, he's too old for me. Also:

I saw a looker in the park last week, so naturally I pulled out my one-eyed trouser snake and thrust it right in her face.

It turns out she's an avid fan of reptiles too, and after we'd finished talking she gave me her number. That'll teach all those people who said I'm crazy for keeping a snake in my pocket.

 

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

 

Why did the Pope resign?

Because a good Catholic always pulls out before the job is done.

 

What's better than a dead baby?

A clown-dressed dead baby.

 

What's worse than fucking a dead baby?

Cleaning the blood from your clown suit.

 

My girlfriend has the smelliest vagina ever, it's so bad I have to bung up my nose before we shag.

I did try pickling her in vinegar, but I guess after a while the rot sets in.