who needs a laugh

Yeah, that last one wasn't too funny, was it? Ok, I'll try a new twist on the formula;

I like my women like I like my candy; sweet, bad for me, and capable of causing tooth decay.

 

I like my women like I like my cars: Big, black, and full of alcohol.

 

I keep seeing this all over the place, and it took me ages to figure out why people find it amusing.

And it's not even that good.

 

It jumped out at me straight away; but whenever I tried to pinpoint it, it seemed to fade and become elusive (exempting the roof, obviously!)!

 

I don't get it...

 

Now there's one you can focus on!

 

This is not the picture thread. This thread is jokes only. Not discussions of jokes, not funny pictures. Just jokes. All posts in this thread must contain jokes.

If France and Germany fought to the death, who would win?



America.

 

How many frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?








Unknown, it's never been tried.

 

This one isn't really topical any more, but...

How many George W. Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb?



None, because, lightie, you're doing a heck of a job.

 

Hey, do you guys wan to know how to make a hormone?








Don't pay her.

 

I like my men like my coffee: long, strong, and black.

 

What's the easiest way to tell the difference between a Japanese and a Chinese?






Using a Geiger counter.

 

This one afternoon I saw a nigger in Nikes running down the road with a huge TV in his arms.

I thought briefly, "hey, that looks just like my own"

but quickly realised that nah, mine wears Adidas.

 

LATEST SCAM
Be on the lookout for the latest scam. In the past few months, there have been numerous reports of lone male shoppers being mugged near shopping center parking lots in Las Vegas and, more recently, in other large metropolitan areas as well.
Typically, two attractive young women first approach your car as you are preparing to leave. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far she just about falls out of her blouse. While you're thus distracted, the other one lets herself into the back seat. Then both beg you for a ride home. Once you agree to this and begin driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.
Although I am normally a cautious person, I was victimized myself during a recent vacation to Las Vegas. I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I couldn't find them on Saturday.

 

Why's the number of paedophiles on the rise in the UK?

Too many sexy kids.

 

Three-part Management Course

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson?
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson?
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson?
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


End of Management Course