who needs a laugh

A farmer, who is not familiar with new technology, never went on a plane, but had to visit his sick daughter in California. He asked the flight attendent where the bathroom is, and he pointed all the way in the back of the plane, but he said don't press he third button. He went in, and pressed the first button. It throughly cleaned his front private. The second one cleaned his back private throughly. The memory haunting him of the flight attented saying not to press the third one, curiosly, he pressed it, and ended up in the hospital. He woke up and said "What happend?" "Well..." The doctor replied, "The third button on the plane, was the tampon remover."

What game do cows play at parties ?


Moosical chairs !

 

My grandfather died yesterday. He was stung by a wasp; natural enemy of the tightrope walker.

 

Why does Michael Jackson wear a glove?

So he won't leave fingerprints on the kids.

 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

 

What's black and has a hundred tits?

The trash bag behind the breast cancer clinic.

 

T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

 

Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

 

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English. Please enjoy and understand the following:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God ?

 

Jokes

 

My girlfriend and I got into a fight last night, but it was my fault (I'm a man, I can admit when I'm wrong). She asked me what was on the TV and I responded, "Dust."

 

Catholic Coffee

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."
The second man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace."
The third gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says Your Eminence."
The fourth man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness."
Since the lone woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a subtle, "Well.....?", to which she proudly replied, "I have a daughter who's tall, slim, has 38DD breasts, a 24 inch stomach, and 34 inch hips. When she walks into a room, people say "Oh My God!"

 

Just read your entire post,its interesting to read out, Dark Elf its really funny.

 

Proverbs

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Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

 

A king suspected his wife was being unfaithful to him, so he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew that you were my most loyal knight."

He replied, "It wath nothing, Your Magethy."

 

A couple was vacationing in the Australian outback when they saw a man copulating with a kangaroo. A few miles down the road, they saw another man having sex with a kangaroo. "That's disgusting," the husband said. "I'm going to report this to the hotel when we get back."

They arrived at their hotel, only to see a man with a wooden leg masturbating at the entrance. The husband stormed inside and yelled at the manager, "My wife and I are appalled. This is a five-star hotel; we've seen two men having sex with kangaroos, and just now we saw a man with a wooden leg masturbating on the steps of your hotel. What have you got to say?"

The manager replied, "Take it easy, mate. How do you expect a guy with a wooden leg to catch himself a kangaroo?"

 

I heard this on the radio once:

Radio-dj: How old is your child?
Woman: She is two months now.
Radio-dj: Wow, that fresh!!!