who needs a laugh

How do Aussies kiss?

Like the French, only down under.

 

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

 

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore. You don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your ex-husband.
PS - Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving interstate together. Have a great life!




Dear ex-husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was that you looked like a girl. Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have confused me with my sister, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won ten million dollars on Lotto, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. When I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Your ex-wife.

PS - I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl... I hope that's not a problem.

 

How did the six Irish sailors drown?

They were trying to bury their mate at sea.

 

What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes?


Heath Ledger will never get old.

 

What's the same about Steve Irwin and Peter Brock?


Neither of then like fishtails.

 

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a bucket of rancid slime?

The bucket.

(I feel better now.)

 

What is the difference between a rabbit and a gay person?

The rabbit crawls in his own hole.

There are two gorilla's in a bath. One of the gorilla's said"OOOEK!". Then the other gorilla said:" If it's too warm, do some cold water in the bath.

What is Michael Jackson buying by the McDonald?

Children Surprise.

 

Why was Michael Jackson shopping at Walmart?
They had little boys' pants half off.

 

Why does Michael Jackson like ten year old girls?

Because when he flips them over he can do them like ten year old boys.

 

What's the difference between George W. Bush and a Goldfish?

The goldfish has a longer short-term memory.

 

Story from somewhere..
---------------
Subject: CALLING IN SICK!

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one
occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too
humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I
hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up
a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly
because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially
the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower
after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the
kitchen.

"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." You know where
the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it
yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks
me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched
down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect
to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into
its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at
the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around
the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely
the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly
offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel
pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they
lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements.
Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while
rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk
could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten
and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are
sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew
at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal
irony.

But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far.
The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out
cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct
their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office,
colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent,
claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your
tongue?"

If they had only known.

 

@_@ Holy crap Puppy, even I winced at that one. Having a kitten attach itself to your arm is painful enough... having one attached there would be a nightmare.

 

You're supposed to contribute a joke, Xiao.

What did the flag say to the wind?


Gee, it sure is windy out here.



Even if it's a horrible one.

 

Be quiet fool.

LOL

 

Now the U.N is a good joke.

Jantje: "Wow..Grandma is not looking well."
Father: "Jantje, close the coffin!"

 

A little boy finds a dildo in his parents' drawer.

-Mom what's this?
-Err... Your dad kills mosquitos and cockroaches with it.
-Does he screw them to death?

 

Mm, I'm sure everyone's heard of the magic dildo joke...

Einstein: "There are two things that are considered infinite, the Universe and human stupidity, and I am unsure of the former."

 

Why are the dwarves laughing?

The long grass is tickling their armpits.

 

whats the difference between micheal jackson and a builder, a builder makes houses and micheal jackson fucks kids.


What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.