who needs a laugh

Oke, here some of mine jokes:

A man comes at the Red Light District, and is ticking on the glass of the window.

The hooker, is asking him what he wants.

The man said: "How much???."

The hooker said: "100 Euro."

The man: " That's very cheap for double glazing."

Or:

Why did a Belgian bring a knife with him, when he is driving a car???.

To cut corners.

Or:

Do you know the difference between a condom and tea sack???.

No???, then I will not drink tea with you.

 

What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

The bull's got the horns at the front and the arse at the back.

 

A man was in a shopping centre car park and he noticed that another man had locked his keys in his car.
He approached the man and asked if he would like help getting his keys out of his car.
The man answered "Yes".
So he walked up to the car and rubbed his pant legs against the driver's door. Miraculously, the lock popped open!
The other man was amazed and asked how he did that.
"Easy," he replied, "I’m wearing my khaki pants".

 

Oh for goodness sake, mrnobodie.....



What do you call a/n (insert race here) on the moon?

A problem.

What do you call two (insert race here) on the moon?

A big problem.

What do you call all of the (insert race here) on the moon?

Problem solved.

 

Interesting style.

What do you call a (race) that likes to (activity) with their (body part) all (adverb)?

A Muslim!

But here's the real joke.

A man is driving through the red light district of China Town. He sees an unbelievably gorgeous Asian hooker, so he rolls down his window and pulls up next to her.

"Can I help you?"
"Hey baby. how much for a 69?"

The girl pauses for a second, and says,
"Wait a second...you want a beef with broccoli?"

 

There comes a man by the doctor with a toad on his head.

The toad said to the doctor: " Doctor, I have a wart on my ass."

 

Dedicated to all of you guys...

Redneck pick-up lines!

* Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.

* Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

* My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

* Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

* If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

* You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

* I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

* If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

* Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

 

A black kid comes home from school one day giddy with excitement. He exclaims to his mother, "Momma, I've got the biggest dick in the 3rd grade! It's cause I'm black ain't it?"

His mother says, "No nigga, it's cause you sposed ta be the 8th grade!"

 

1: 10,000 Jews and a clown were killed in the Holocaust.

2:.... a clown?

1: See? Nobody cares about the jews.

 

What is the thinnest book of the whole world?

A German jokebook.

 

How do you re-use a condom?

Turn it inside-out and shake the f--k out of it.

 

As quoted from the margin in a library book....

"Wagner overcompensated with his works in the same way as a man may overcompensate with a car - it's too big, too flashy, there's too many people involved and there's always a reference to failure with women in it."

 

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

 

Who wants a dirty joke?

Johnny fell in the mud.

Who wants a clean joke?

Johnny had a shower.

Want another dirty joke?

Johnny had a shower with his uncle.

 

And Lo! Jesus did say to Peter, "Come forth, and I will give you eternal glory"

Peter came fifth and had to eat the biscuit...

 

Music nerd jokes!


How do you get four clarinets in tune?
-- Shoot three of them.

What's the difference between a piccolo and a trampoline?
--You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
--The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a bedpost?
--Not much.

What's the difference between a violin and viola?
--Violas burn for longer.

What's the difference between a cello and a double-bass?
--Double-bass holds more beer.

How do you know the stage is level?
--When the drummer's drool is dripping equally.

How do you tell the difference between one (acoustic) guitar piece and another?
--Its name.

How do you get a guitar player to play quieter?
--Put a sheet of music in front of him.

How do you get him to stop?
--Put some notes on it.

How do you know you're kissing a French horn player?
--His hands will move into position automatically.

What did one bum say to the other?
--So what instrument do you play?

What's the difference between a conductor and God?
--God doesn't think he's a conductor.

 

2 rednecks decide to make a better life for themselves and go to college.
When they get there they decide to talk to a professor to decide what courses to take. The professor suggests to the first one to take math, english and logic.

The redneck asks the professor "What's logic all about?"

The professor says "Let me demonstrate", and proceeds to ask him some questions.

Prof: I assume you have a weed eater.
Redneck: Yes, I do.
Prof: Then I assume you have a yard.
Redneck: Yes I do, wow thats cool.
Prof: If you have a yard I assume you have a house.
Redneck: Yes I do have a house, that is really cool.
Prof: If you have a house I assume you are married.
Redneck: I am married, you are smart.
Prof: If you are married I assume you are Hetro-sexual.
Redneck: I am, wow this logic stuff is great, sign me up.

The redneck leaves and meets up with his friend, "What did they suggest for you?" He asks.

"Math, english and logic."

"What's logic?" asks the friend.

"Let me demonstrate, do you own a weed eater?"

"No.", says the friend.

"You're gay aren't ya?"

 

What goes cloppity-cloppity-cloppity - bang!
Cloppity-cloppity-cloppity - bang!
?


An Amish drive-by shooting.