who needs a laugh

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by mrnobodie, Dec 15, 2001.

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  1. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    Mag...wrong thread. Still fun, though.


    It's the big day, the day when one lucky man makes one lucky woman his wife.
    The groom walks down the aisle, with a humongous grin on his face. He reaches the altar, standing next to the best man.

    Best man: Dude, what's up? You're pretty happy for a guy who's about to get married.
    Groom: Man, I just got the best blowjob of my life from the woman I'm about to marry.

    A few moments later, the bride walks down the aisle with a similarly large grin on her face. She reaches the altar, standing next to the maid of honor.

    Maid of Honor: Oh, I'm so happy for you! I bet you're smiling cause you're about to get married.
    Bride: Nope. I just gave the last blowjob of my life.
     
  2. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    A Swede, a Finn and a Norwegian where stranded on an island and captured by cannibals. They were brought to the chieftain, who said they needed their skin to make canoes of, but if they wished to kill themselves rather than the cannibal tribe doing it, they could kill themselves in any fashion they liked.

    The Swede said: I want a gun. He got a gun and shot himself. The Finn followed suit, and shot himself too.

    The Norwegian however, requested a fork. Puzzled, the cannibals gave him one. He then proceeded to violently stab himself in the gut while screaming:

    You bloody aren't going to make a canoe of me!
     
  3. DarkFool

    DarkFool Nemesis of the Ancients

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    I think that the original punch line I heard for that was better "I hope your canoes sink!"
     
  4. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    One day an Irishman came home from work to find his wife shagging his best friend.

    He was so distraught he fetched a pistol and pointed it at his own head as he stared at them.

    His wife burst out laughing at this to which the Irishman said.

    "Laugh all you want, YOU'RE NEXT BITCH!"
     
  5. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    Marriage is that wonderful time in the lives of two people where they demonstrate their love and devotion to each other. After the ceremony, the new couple will go somewhere nice to bang. Then it all goes to Jahannam. First wifey will quit work to watch Lifetime (one of many Feminazi channels). Then she will slip up and spill the truth about why she was a virgin going to the honeymoon destination and wasn't when they first fucked. Then it will come to light that she was under a mountain of debt from Payday loan(sharks) and keep bitching until he gets a second, or third, job. Then he'll have to get out some payday loans to pay her payday loans or even less sex for him. Then, while he's working all the time, she'll be banging the mailman, her boyfriend, the cable guy, the internet guy, and any other guy but her hubby. This hell goes on for about two years. Then comes the blissful stage known as divorce. This is the time the truth comes out (the shit hit the fan when they left for their honeymoon) and she bitches about how she "had" to fuck everyone but her dearest husband since he abused and neglected her, working when he should have been home. After that torment, comes the alimony stage. So in the end, he's got 25% of his paycheck, none of the account (she got to it first), and just enough for a shack downtown and a tranny hooker (all the real girls were her best friends and probably coworkers). Meanwhile lil' wifey will have two new husbands and countless fuck buddies. Have fun.
     
  6. rroyo

    rroyo Active Member

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    Back around the turn of the century it wasn't uncommon for a traveling carnival to feature an audience participation act.
    One such was where the local men, for the price of a single dollar, had an opportunity to win a cash prize of a hundred dollars if they could out-wrestle a fellow billed as Mad-Dog McGuirk.
    Now he was a massively built man with arms bigger than most people’s thighs and not an ounce of fat anywhere on him. By brute strength alone, he was able to defeat nine out of ten men who accepted the challenge and tenth guy he made an example out of by lifting the poor fellow off the ground, folding him double, and holding him that way until the referee finished doing a ten-count. As you might imagine, Ol' Mad-Dog was considered undefeatable.
    One day the carny set up in this little backwater of a town and soon enough the young men started lining up for their chance at fame and fortune. Well it just so happened that the first guy in line was this scrawny beanpole of a guy named Leroy. You've seen the type - have to stand up twice to cast a shadow. In spite of all the jibes, derisive comments, and even some sincere words from the barker, he was bound and determined he was going to do this.
    Well, the barker finally relented, accepted Leroy's money, and sent him into the tent to change into a pair of shorts for the match. Catching a spare moment, he sent word to McGuirk to use his folding technique for the first match.
    When the time came for Leroy and McGuirk to wrestle, as soon as the bell rang McGuirk wasted no time in seizing his under-sized opponent and applying his infamous fold.
    The announcer turned away to watch the audience's reaction when all of a sudden everyone jumped to their feet and shouted in amazement. The announcer whipped back around to see Leroy getting back on his feet and McGuirk stretched out on the mat - out cold! After he was able to shake off his stunned reaction, he declared Leroy the winner, and led him off to one side.
    "Look, kid," he said. "We've been doing this now for ten years and no one's ever been able to beat Mad-Dog. So, how'd you do it?!"
    Leroy rubbed his privates for an instant then said, "Well, when that big feller had me all folded up like that, I thought I was a fix'n to die! Then I looked up and seen this pair of hairy balls hangin' down right in front of me." He paused for a moment. "So I bit 'em!"
    The announcer stared in horror at the thought but Leroy wasn't quite finished speaking yet. With an expression of utmost sincerity he concluded with: "Ya know, it's amazin' whatcha can do when ya bite yerself in the balls!"
     
  7. Jazintha Piper

    Jazintha Piper Member

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    Why is Blitzen known as the 'brown-nosed reindeer'?

    Because he's just as fast as Rudolf, but can't stop as quickly.

    o_O

    --Piper
     
  8. bryant1380

    bryant1380 New Member

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    Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?




    A: Christopher Walken
     
  9. Jazintha Piper

    Jazintha Piper Member

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    I can't believe I'm doing this...


    What's the definition of 're-entry'?

    Doing your mom.
     
  10. mrnobodie

    mrnobodie New Member

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    A man goes into a bar and approaches a woman sitting by herself :
    Man: May I buy you a cocktail?"
    Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
    Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
    Woman: "No, they spread."
     
  11. rroyo

    rroyo Active Member

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    Bobbit jokes.

    Everyone knows about the infamous Lorena Bobbit chopping her husbands dick off with a carving knife while he slept. A lot of people don't know what happened shortly after.

    Having given him the big snip she put the amputated member in her handbag, left the house and drove off in her car. Shortly after a cop car started tailing her because of her erratic driving. It suddenly occurs to Lorena that she should really get rid of the prime piece of evidence. So digging it out her handbag she opens the window and heaves it back behind her car.

    Splat!!! It lands in the middle of the cop car windscreen. After a quick examination one of the cops turns to the other and says

    "Goddammmmm!!!! Would you look at the size of the dick on that fly!!!"



    At the crime scenes they used to mark out the position of the body and/or parts.

    Well.... I feel sorry for the poor bastard who had to outline the severed pecker.

    To this day he's known as Dick Tracy!


    Somewhat behind the times, but I just heard them and had to share.
     
  12. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

    "That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

    "If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

    The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

    "Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

    "Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
     
  13. mrnobodie

    mrnobodie New Member

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    During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

    Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

    The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

    Johnny replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

    The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal is unpleasant."

    And Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

    The teacher passed out.
     
  14. Jazintha Piper

    Jazintha Piper Member

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    So there were these three men taking a road trip around some place, when they decide to camp out for the night. Then, they hear this roar of engines coming close to them. They turned, stopped and stared, for there was this very beautiful woman on a Harley strapped out in leather. However, they were mostly staring at the rather large machete she held raised in one hand.

    "All of you, line up," she told them in her dark, sultry voice. "I own this highway, and I have rules for men like you. Your dicks must measure up to exactly one metre, or I will slice them up and bury you in the sand, and you will wish that you had never driven on this highway."

    So the men dropped their pants and let her measure it up against her machete blade, which coincidentally measured one metre.

    The first one's was exactly 50 centimetres long.
    The second's was exactly 49 cenirmetres long.
    The third's? Exactly one centimetre.

    So the woman was satisified and drove away, never to be heard of again.

    The third man turned to the other two and said, "Boy, aren't we lucky I had an erection!"
     
  15. HL1ownsHL2

    HL1ownsHL2 New Member

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    why its not easy being a dick

    you have one eye you can not see with. A head you can not think with. You hang out with a couple of nuts.your closest neighbor is an asshole and your best friend is a pussy.
     
  16. mrnobodie

    mrnobodie New Member

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    I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

    She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
    In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably

    had a hot daughter.
    We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle and she asked if I'd ever had a

    Sportsman's Double.
    'What's that?' I asked.
    'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

    I said, 'No' - excitedly.

    We drank a bit more then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place.

    She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

    'Mom, you still awake?'
     
  17. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    So there was this teenage boy who came home from a party at 06.00 in the morning. His dad, who had been sitting up all night waiting for his son to come home was furious, and asked him why the hell he hadn't come home at 11 as he had been told.

    "Well dad, you see, the reason why I'm late is that tonight I had sex for the very first time."

    The father, now feeling proud for his son, congratulated him and told him to go and catch some sleep.

    The boy began walking up the stairs to his room, stopped halfway, turned to his father and asked:

    "Dad... how long's it supposed to hurt in the ass afterwards?"
     
  18. RPjunkie

    RPjunkie New Member

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    A man walks into an elevator with a woman in it.

    After a moment, the man turns to the woman and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, but could I smell your feet?"

    The woman quickly, and vehemently, replied with a curt "NO!"

    The man then said, "Oh, it must be your pussy then."
     
  19. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    A man is standing in an elevator.

    A blonde walks in, and says, "Wow, T-G-I-F, huh?"

    The man looks at her and says, "S-H-I-T."

    She replies, a little flustered, "T-G-I-F; thank God it's Friday!"

    He replies, calmly, "S-H-I-T; sorry honey, it's Thursday."
     
  20. Jazintha Piper

    Jazintha Piper Member

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    The Queen of England was having the King of Spain as a visitor to the country. They were having a small parade through the streets, riding in a horse-drawn carriage, when suddenly one of the horses closest to the carriage let loose a... cloud of gas... with a rather large explosion... which led to a foul smell.

    Nothing was said for a while. Soon, the Queen lent over to the King, touched his knee and said, "My apologies for the misconduct."

    The King touched her on the knee and replied, "My apologies, I thought it was the horse!"

    True story!
     
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