Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by mrnobodie, Dec 15, 2001.
Is that boy bleeding?
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.
"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''
A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't - I just gave a guy ten years for it!"
"Is it true that when communism comes we will be able to order our food via the telephone?" / "Yes, and we will enjoy it via the television."
Here's a great one:
When communism comes, there'll be food.
Comrade Adam reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Comrade Blinky! On your feet! Shoot him!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Blinky! On your feet! Shoot him!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Adam leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was suddenly and silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, butI think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."
The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for both of them. However, on the way to the Airport a rather heated debate started as to whose fault their break-up was.
At the crowded gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for nothing, you cheap bastard."
As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back, "Hey baby, don't be like that! If you ever work this town again, give me a call!"
A man is walking down a beach, and accidentally kicks a bottle out of the sand. He opens the bottle, and a genie appears. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because airplanes are much too frightening for me and boats make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do it. Imagine all the work involved. All the piling to hold up the highway needed and all the pavement. Ask for something else." "Well," the man said. "I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered this for a couple of minutes and said, "So, do you want that road two lanes or four?"
Whats the best thing about having an emo lawn?
It cuts itself.
How many emos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two... one to change it and another to write a shitty poem about how much they miss the old one.
What do you call a group of emos?
A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been invited to.
"I rang the bell and the nudist butler opened the door." he stated.
His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was the butler?"
"Well, he answered smoothly, I could tell right away that it wasn't the maid."
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who's dick was so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin as he wiped off his chin,
If my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it.
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah got a terrible headache and needed to take an aspirin. She got the aspirin out of her purse and went to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith followed her to the water cooler, tappped her on the shoulder and said, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah replied, "Well I have a headache so you'll just have to jack off."
Three workers are taking a break at a construction site. Two have a story to tell,
"Oh, man! You shoulda been with us last night! Jerry and I were walking around town and we ducked into an alley. There was this smokin' hot chick there, and we fucked the shit out of 'er!"
"Nice. Did ya get any head?"
"Nah. Couldn't find it."
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told hernew husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it. God I miss him. But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT!" she exclaimed, "This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
Q:How do you know if there's a pilot at your party?
A:He'll tell you.
Q:What's the difference between a jet engine and a pilot?
A:The engine stops whining when you shut down the aircraft.
Ladies and gentlemen, this story is abso-flippin-lutely true.
My lovely boyfriend S had offered to help one of his family friends to move house. The deed was done in the nick of time, but as with every gathering of people, there are a few interesting parties to consider, as each friendship is different and something is always bound to happen at such gatherings.
The other two interesting parties in this story, aside from S, are P and N, the family friend's son and his girlfriend.
P and N have been going strong for seven years now, but as the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt. Throughout the day S and his friends put up with N barking orders and such, whilst P would regularly hide to have a cigarette break, for without his trusty Winstons, he will surely have a breakdown with this girl. It has often been described that N could make P physically sick if she makes him anxious enough.
Like I said, the deed was done in the nick of time, and everyone settled around the new living room having drinks and what-not, chatting about this and that, as good friends do. The following is an altercation between the three interesting parties of this story:
N (to no-one in particular) - P and I have been together for seven years now! It's a wonder how we've lasted!
P (under his breath) - You'd get less time for stealing a car.
S (equally under his breath) - Yes, and you'd get a better ride.
(A slightly uncomfortable pause as P and S weigh up their witty remarks whilst N glares at P. The friends prepare for the worse.)
N - What did you say, P??
P - Oh thank god!
Fifty-one years ago, Herman, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
What's more disguisting than shoving 12 oysters up a womans pussy and sucking them out?
When you suck 14 out.
As Billy walked into the classroom, his teacher noticed that he had a cat with him. When she asked him why he had brought his cat to school, he responded that he had overheard his dad saying "I'm gonna eat that pussy when the kids leave!"
Heavy Metal Dragon.
Separate names with a comma.