who needs a laugh

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by mrnobodie, Dec 15, 2001.

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  1. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    That left me out of breath for a minute, Telcontar...my eyes are still watering.

    There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

    One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

    In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

    The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

    But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
     
  2. bryant1380

    bryant1380 New Member

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    BEST FURKIN JOKE EVER!!! Read on...


    What's the most annoying part about eating a vegetable?



    Putting her back in her wheelchair.



    Also, for Grossenschaum:
    I like my women like I like my liquor: Twelve years old, and mixed up in coke.
     
  3. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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  4. Sofokl

    Sofokl New Member

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    Heard today sitting with beer.

    Russian and German go to the Hell, but they can choose either they go to russian hell or german. Devil says: in german you must eat a bucket of shit every day and all the other time you're free; in russian you must eat two buckets every day and all the other time you're free. German thinks: "one bucket is less than two, I will go to german". Russian thinks: "I'm patriot, and I think there would be vodka..."
    Well, after a week Russian meets German and asks:"How are you?" German answers: "Nice. Eat a bucket every day and do what I want. And how are you?" Russian answers: "Also nice. Every day either demons steal all buckets or delivery of shit is delayed."
     
  5. Jungle Japes

    Jungle Japes Well-Known Member

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    I like my women like I like my coffee: In a plastic cup.
     
  6. RPjunkie

    RPjunkie New Member

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    yall got it wrong. THIS is the best 'like my women' line:

    I like my women like I like my chicken: with a little bit of fat on the ends. Not too much, but not too little; just enough to make me grin!
     
  7. Bunny

    Bunny New Member

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    :lol:

    -How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
    -Threw it off a cliff.

    and...

    -What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers?
    -Her IQ goes up.
     
  8. Xz

    Xz Monkey Admin Staff Member

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    Why are blond jokes so stupid?
    - Because some some "smart" people think IQ is in hair color.
     
  9. Telcontar

    Telcontar Well-Known Member

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    Q`How do you paralize a woman from the waist down?

    A`Marry them.
     
  10. RPjunkie

    RPjunkie New Member

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    From a married man...that was fuckin hilarious!! :lol:


    recently seen on a bumper sticker: Don't drink and park. Accidents cause children. :p
     
  11. Jungle Japes

    Jungle Japes Well-Known Member

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    I saw this somewheres:

    My wife said we didn't have enough money to buy beer.
    I asked her if she could do without all that makeup.
    She said she needed it to look good for me.
    I told her that's what the beer was for.
    I don't think she's coming back.
     
  12. rosenshyne

    rosenshyne New Member

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    A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a"Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

    Dear Ricky,

    I can no longer continue ourrelationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

    Love, Becky



    The Marine asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals
    he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope,
    along with this note:

    Dear Becky,

    I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the fuck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

    Take Care, Ricky
     
  13. bryant1380

    bryant1380 New Member

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    What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
    Juan on Juan.

    What is a Yankee?
    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
    The position of the dirt bag.

    Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.

    What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
    Doughnuts?

    Why is air a lot like sex?
    Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

    What do you call a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.

    What do attorneys use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    45 lbs.

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
    45 minutes.

    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.

    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
    Because they have cotton balls.

    What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    "Are you sure it's mine?"

    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
    Mace will do that to you.

    Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
    Everyone has the same DNA.

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
    He walks around saying "Yo."

    Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
    Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A different bar.

    Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
    They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.

    What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
    They're hiring.

    What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say "fuck"?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

    What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
    A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairytale begins Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

    Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
    No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
     
  14. Bunny

    Bunny New Member

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    Two nuns riding bicycles take a short-cut down a cobble-stone street.

    The first nun says: "I've never come this way before!"

    The second one replies: "Must be the cobbles."
     
  15. Madness

    Madness New Member

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    The following are a bit unappropriate
    And I did NOT make them up

    Q: A nigger and a mexican both jump off the emprire state building, who hits the ground first?

    A: WHO CARES?

    Q: Why can't Stevie Wonders read?

    A: Because he's black

    Q: What do you say when you're watching TV, the lights go off, and the television starts floating?

    A: Drop it, nigga.

    Q: A mexican and a black person are both in a car, whos driving?

    A: The cops.

    Q: How do chinese name their children?

    A: They throw steel utensils down the stairs, and listen to the sounds.

    Q: What do you call a bunch of niggers running down a hill?

    A: MUDSLIDE!

    Q: What do you call a bunch of crackers running down a hill?

    A: AVALANCHE!

    Q: What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down a hill?

    A: JAIL BREAK!

    Q: What do you call a black person in a swimming pool?

    A: OIL SPILL!

    Q: What do you call a bunch of black people buried in sand up to their necks?

    A: Afro turf

    Q: Why are mexicans so good at basket ball?

    A: Because all you do is SHOOT, STEAL, and RUN

    Q: What does a black kid get for christmas on his 5th birthday?

    A: Your bike.

    Q: What do you do when you run over a mexican?

    A: Reverse.

    Q: Whats the difference between a mexican and a couch?

    A: A couch can support a family of four.

    Q: Whats the difference between a nigger and a bucket of crap?

    A: The bucket

    Q: Whats the difference between a chinese and a pizza?

    A: A pizza can feed an entire family.

    Q: Whats the difference between a jew and a pie?

    A: A pie doesn't scream in the oven.

    Q: Why are there no sporting events, like the olympics, in mexico?

    A: Because anyone that can run, jump, and swim have already crossed the border.

    Q: Why don't black kids play in sand boxes?

    A: The cats might bury them

    Q: Have you ever heard about the mexican that went to college?

    A: Neither have I

    Q: How did Adolf Hitler fit 50 jews in his car?

    A: 1 in the front, 2 in the back, and 47 in the ashtray.

    Q: Whats the difference between a mexican and a trampoline?

    A: You take your shoes off before jumping on the trampoline.

    Q: How tall is an average Nazi?

    A: *Does a Hitler salute* About 'zees tall!

    Q: How are a bag of jelly beans the same as humans?

    A: No one likes the black ones.

    Q: How long does it take a black woman to take a crap?

    A: 9 months.

    Q: What do you call a black woman giving birth?

    A: Constipation.

    Q: Whats the difference between a dead black guy and a dead dog?

    A: The dog has swirve marks.

    Again, I did NOT create these jokes.
     
  16. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    I was leafing through a few rules..."Rules for being a Guy," to be exact, and I found this;

    You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

    I gotta say, the cat had it coming.
     
  17. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    I want to see this at the top again...

    Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.

    It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
    "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.
    "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
    "You're on!", he says.

    Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.

    The second guy hands the first guy the money.
    "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

    "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
     
  18. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    One guy went to the local shopping mall with his girlfriend.

    At the shopping mall the other woman saw the girlfriends boyfriend.

    She became very jealous and said: "Hey, that's my boyfriend, not that one, the other one!"
     
  19. bryant1380

    bryant1380 New Member

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    Two bulls are standing on top of a hill, one old and one young bull. The young bull looks down in the valley, and says, "Man! Look at all those cows down there. Let's run down and screw one!" The old bull wisely shakes his head at this and says, "No. Let's walk down there, and screw 'em all."



    Overheard at a bar: "She's got legs like I like. Feet at one end, and pussy at the other."
     
  20. GrimmHatter

    GrimmHatter Active Member

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    ?
     
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