who needs a laugh

A man finds a lamp and rubs it. A genie emerges and gives him the requisite three wishes. The man makes the wishes, and goes to bed. When he wakes up the next morning he wakes up in a huge bed full of beautiful, willing virgins, in a massive, fabulously rich house. Later on in the morning, the doorbell rings. He answers it, and three Klansmen grab him and drag him outside. They strip him naked, beat him bloody, sodomize him with a broom, and finally string him up in the big tree out front. As they sit in lawn chairs and take potshots at him with hunting rifles, one says to the other two,
"I can understand the money and the virgins, but why the hell would he want to be hung like a nigger?"

 

There was a woman at a bar, and she noticed a good-looking black man sitting down the bar from her. She thought of all the stories about black men being well-hung, and decided to find out if they were true or not. So she went and sat next to him. After having a few drinks and talking, she said,
"Let's go back to my place. I want to see if all the stories about black men are true or not."
So they went back to her apartment, where he beat the shit out of her and stole her VCR.

 

I can't take credit for this but it's still funny -

Tom Tucker: And now we go live to negro reporter Ollie Lang for Blackie News...Ollie?
Ollie: Is Goan Raaaiiinnnn!

 

Eddie Murphy's "White Like Me" skit from Saturday Night Live. That thing's a classic. I also get it, but I don't get what you wrote Chupamela.

 

Chupamela's from family guy. It's mildly funny in context.

I like Chris Rock's "How to not get your ass kicked by the po-lice"

 

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says:
"Hi! I hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The clerk behind the welfare desk says:
"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says:
"You're bullshitting me!"
The welfare clerk says:
"Yeah, well, you started it."

 

Gino: What's that flap of useless skin around the vagina called again?

Vinnie: The labia.

Gino: Really? I thought it was the woman.

 

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

 

Aha! That was from a particularly funny episode of Family Guy.

 

You know... the only thing sadder than this joke is this, it's an analysis of that joke, as well as it's roots.

 

We don't post in the joke thread, unless it's a joke. Do it again, and you shall be punished.

By the way, that joke of Fatman's is hilarious. You obviously don't get it.

A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. He sits in the chair, and the dentist prepares his tools, then picks up a syringe.
"What's that for?" the patient asked.
"To deaden the pain."
"Naw, can't do it doc. I'm allergic to them shots."

The dentist leaves the room for a moment and comes back with a mask. "Whatcha goin' do with that?"
"Well, this will put you to sleep, and you won't feel the pain."
"I can't do that either, doc. I'm allergic to that gas."

The dentist leaves the room again, and comes back with a Viagra pill. The man says, "Now doc, I've seen some strange stuff in my life, but a Viagra pill for pulling a tooth?"
"Well, since you won't take the shot or the gas, you're gonna need something to hold on to when I pull this tooth."

 

Who loves ya, nobodie?

The 2 following witticisms are best used by asking them to a friend.

Q: You know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blowjob?

A: You wanna go to lunch?



Q: If you went camping with somebody, and when you woke up in the morning, you had dried cum all over your face, dirt on your knees, and a greasy condom hanging outta your ass, would you tell anybody?

A: You wanna go camping?



This week in politics, the Democrats gather in Boston to spread propa.. er to nominate presidential hopeless, er, hopeful John Kerry. The Republicans gathered in Florida to tamper with voting machines.

See, Shady? Who said I can't poke fun at both sides?

 

Well, I would think I'm long overdue for an appearance so....


Question's from a redneck IQ test...

1. A clitoris is a type of flower. T F

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. T F

3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. T F

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. T F

5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. T F

6. A G-string is part of a violin. T F

7. Semen is another word for "sailor". T F

8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". T F

9. Testicles are found on an octopus. T F

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. T F

11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. T F

12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. T F

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. T F

14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". T F

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. T F

16. A condom is an apartment complex. T F

17. An organism is the person who accompanies the chior in church. T F

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry. T F

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. T F

20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new government officials. T F

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. T F

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. T F

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. T F

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. T F

25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve". T F

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. T F

27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. T F

 

Just because I love you......


Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

Eggs and Bacon walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says,"Sorry we don't serve breakfast."







thank you.

 

There were three guys walking down the street. The first guy was talking on his cell phone and walked into a bar. The second guy was just fucking retarded and also walked into the bar. Both passed out and were dragged into the sewers to be raped by the evil sewer midgets.

The third man, henceforth Third Guy, ducked. A magic fairy that looked like Richard Simmons rewarded him by granting him the psychic powers and the ability to feel warm and fuzzy even if he gainst 350 pounds. Then the Richard Simmons fairy started to dance aerobically, and Third Guy picked up the bar and beat him to death with it.

The next day Third Guy woke up, and went to another bar. This was the Magic Whiskey-Oozing Bar. It was oozing rum today because Ted Kennedy had showed up earlier that week and drank all the whiskey. So for a few minutes Third Guy and a few other dudes licked the pole. Then Third Guy realized that they were licking a long, hard, shaft-like object that oozed fluid. He told the other guys. They all stopped and looked at each other very uncomfortably for a minute or two.

After that they decided Third Guy would be their leader, and that they would try to take over the world. Two small mouse came out and cursed that he now had competition. A cat chased the mice away, and one kept yelling "Narf" all the way down the block. Then Third Guy got a telepathic message from a Haliburton representative. Haliburton was trying to take over the world and had purchased a patent for the concept. They wanted royalties. Third Guy then sent him an image of the Bill of Rights and the Haliburton company policy, and the contradictions made the representatives head explode.

Then one of the other guys, there were three, started vibrating. He reached into his ass and came out with a phone. It was his mother, and after promising he would be home for Thanksgiving and that he was wearing clean underwear, she hung up. Third guy looked at him curiously.

"Dude, why the fuck do you have a phone in your ass?"

"My last girlfriend was pretty possessive, and also a witch. So she stuck a magic phone in my ass. That's why the call me Magic Ass Phone Man."

"Oh, that has to suck."

"Tell me about it, it's a rotary phone."

All the men collectively cringed. A few minutes later Magic Ass Phone Man got another phone call. It was his spy friend at National Geographic, codename "Lionfucker". Lionfucker told him that the Keys to the World, required to start the World Domination Engine, we're locked in the Car of the World, also known as a Hummer. The Car of the World was parked inside the Cleavage of Hercules' Wife.

After relaying this info to the group they decided they would need to invade the On-Star, now available in all GM vehicles, building to unlock the doors of the car, then go get the keys. Another guy suggested that they just break the window, but he was silenced and henceforth named Shotgun Dick Asshole, because his penis had been amputated, and he had a 12-gauge attached instead. The girls usually enjoyed it until he blew his load, that was not as pleasant, and he hadn't had a girlfriend since the first Bush administration. That was why he was such an asshole.

Before they went to On-Star headquarters, Third Guy, being the leader that he is, remembered to stop at Gary Coleman's house.

"Yo Gary, he have a group, but we don't have a black man, or a midget."

"You stupid fuck, you can't have a group without a black dude or a midget! Let me get my damn coat."

Gary came out with several women following him. He was mumbling about stupid crackers and not representing.

"Look bitch, I even brought the bitches. Now let's bounce."

So off the merry band went to On-Star headquarters. Once they arrived they were greeted by a customer service representative. After trying to talk to them for two hours and only being told to please hold, they went outside to regroup. They decided that there was only one thing to do.

The last guy, known as Ultraman, who's power was being multi-orgasmic and being able to burp all 50 states names in reverse alphabetical order, went to a local pizza place and got a pie. He then beat the shit out of a delivery boy and took his uniform. Coming back to the On-Star building he walked in with the pizza.

"Did someone order sausage with their pizza?"

The entire place immediately devolved into one giant orgy and the team was able to pass by. But then they were stopped by a large women with a club. Shotgun Dick Asshole pulled out his shotgun dick and whacked off until he shot her in the face, which killed her almost instantly. Then they all got into an elevator and rode to the 617th floor.

They stepped out and realized that Jesus and God were sitting twenty feet in front of them playing strip poker with some super models. Quite surpringly, God sucks at card games, although Jesus was managing to keep the ladies naked.

"Uh, what's up Jesus?"

"Nothing much guys. You wanted floor 616."

"Thanks man. What's up Gary, been awhile."

"Hell's yea, yo dudes, I'm gonna chill here."

Gary Coleman and his bitches left to hang out with Jesus, and the remaining crew went down one level to face the board of directors for On-Star. Exiting the elevator they were attacked by forty ninjas wielding nunchuks. Third Guy defeated all of them by holding up a bar and having them all run into it. They where then taken by the cousins of the evil sewer midgets, the deleterious office gnomes into the air vents and forced to watch a Survivor marathon.

Surging onward the burst into the the board room and met their enemies, the five board members of On-Star.

"Now, we fight to avenge our friend's death."

"None of us have died."

"Oh, can we kick the shit out of them anyway?"

The first board member was a master of air, and attacked Third Guy with a tornado attack. Third Guy merely stood there in that pose people do so their hair looks really cool in the wind. The first board member was bald so this shocked and confused him, and Third Guy then beat him to death with his own cane.

The second board member was the master of water, and tried to drown Magic Ass Phone Man. Magic Ass Phone Man was about to go under when he called his witch ex-girlfriend. She showed up and removed the water. Then she gave him a magic blowjob.

"Dude, so that's why you stayed with her..."

Magically invigorated, Magic Ass Phone Man pulled some judo move that somehow lodged the man's ear in his other ear and his nose in his belly button. Then he cracked his neck.

"Couldn't you have done that to begin with?"

"Yea, but I like that move."

He then took his now-girlfriend again to another room where they had make up sex for the remainder of the fight. The third member was a master of earth. He however, was in a building that is apparently 617 stories, so his powers could do nothing, and Ultraman stabbed him in the eye with a pen.

The fourth member was the master of fire. He tried to incinerate Shotgun Dick Asshole, but set off the emergency sprinklers. He then melted like the Wicked Witch of the West.

The last member was Bill Gates, far too powerful to be hurt by any of the four, or even the now trembling witch in the other room. So all the guys joined hands, and summoned Howard Stern, who then used his King of All Media powers to make the microsoft stock drop. The loss of cash drove Bill Gates into a rage and he started rampaging the office. There was little they could do to stop him, until Third Guy, there really IS a reason he's leader, thought of something.

"Shotgun Dick, that petite little nerd gets laid more times a day then you have since Cobain died."

Shotgun Dick Asshole realized this and then, in a really rage-like rage, beat Bill Gates with a stapler until it broke, then moved on to the pencil sharpener. After several broken office appliances, Bill Gates died.

They then opened the doors to the Car of all Worlds, using On-Star's Smart Key Technology. Howard Stern then offered to fly them to the Cleavage of Hercules' Wife if they agreed to destroy the FCC. To do so they needed to break Timothy McVeigh out of jail.

Magic Ass Phone Man called Lionfucker again, and learned that McVeigh was staying at a prison that was in the third circle of Hell.

So after they all got ready, they went to Barnes and Noble and bought a copy of Dante's Inferno. Shotgun Dick Asshole had to pay, because he's, well, an asshole.

The witch, henceforth Hot BJ Witch, opened to the third circle and started throwing people in. Howard Stern went to have sex with Jenna Jameson. After they all got into the third circle, which is almost as rainy as Honolulu, although they get nice rain. This was shitty, NYC, acid rain. After trudging along for a little while, and making fun of the lost souls, they got to the prison, guarded by Cerberus. A few cans of Alpo bought his assistance and they got Timothy McVeigh.

Hot BJ Witch shoved some napalm up his ass, she must have a fetish or something, and teleported him to the FCC building. Then she tried to teleport all of them out, but when she rolled her d20 she only got a 3, and couldn't use any more spells per day. So they took the stairs.

After like 6 hours of climbing, and Ultraman bitching the entire time, they reached the Gates of Hell, a Starbucks in Hoboken New Jersey. After grabbing a frapachino, they headed off to the Howard Stern Building, where Howard greeted them, and let all of them except Shotgun Dick Asshole have sex with pornstars, because he is an asshole and Howard didn't want to have him shoot any of his pornstars.

Then they all flew to the Cleavage of Hercules' Wife. Third Guy reached into her blouse and pulled out the car, which grew to normal proportions. Hercules, a fifty something Greek guy who barely broke four feet, was made about it, especially when Ultraman had sex with his wife in the back of the car, but Howard gave him a job as one of the freaks on his show, so everyone was happy.

They got the keys and headed for the World Domination Engine, which was under Santa's house. So Howard flew them all to the North Pole, and brought a camera crew so people could view at home on channel 51 at 11:00 p.m. They tried to enter to get to the machine but were beset by Santa's Ultimate Fighter Ninja Elf Brigade. They were too short to run into Third Guy's pole, and too fast for Shotgun Dick to shoot, no matter how hard he whacked. It looked bleak.

Until a very stoned Jesus popped up with an only moderately high Gary Coleman.

"Yo, sorry bout that, let me handle this."

"Yo man, that was like, good shit man."

"Shut up Jesus, and hold my hat."

Jesus help Gary's pimp hat while gary used the cane on the elves. After about two minutes all the elves were dead and Gary only had dirt on his shoulder, which he brushed off in true JZ fashion. Then he got his hat back and Jesus went back to floor 617 to spend more time with the Coleman bitches.

They went towards the machine again, but just before they reached it they were stopped by Santa, who shot Shotgun Dick in the head with a magnum.

"Oh.... fuck."

"Now can we avenge him."

"I guess...."

Ultraman then fought Santa hand to hand, although Santa had a gun and could have easily shot him. He almost won, but then Santa punched him in the nuts. His power of multiorgasmicness made him vulnerable, like Superman and kryptonite. So Magic Ass Phone Man took over, with Hot BJ Witch magically sucking him off throughout the match. They were perfectly matched, but then Santa went Super Saiyan and defeated him.

Howard Stern, who had once again gone to have sex with Jenna Jameson, this time bringing Gary Coleman, fucking slackers, being gone, only Third Guy was left. He threw down his bar and ripped off his shirt, for no reason but dramaticism. Of course, he also magically conjured a giant fighting robot, which he then entered.

Super Saiyan Santa and Third Guy in the giant fighting robot fought for two hours until they were both very tired. By then Howard Stern had brought Jenna back, who, with Hot BJ Witch, transmitted their sexual energy to Santa, making him very distracted. Third Guy seized the opprotunity and used his psychic power to make Santa's stomach shake like jelly so much he blew up.

Then they all went and started the engine and took over the world. Then they had a victory orgy.

The End.

 

Trying to up-show me huh?... well, we'll just see about that....


this guy went to a bar, on the bar was a jar full of ten dollar bills,he asked the bartender about the jar and the bartender told him to put ten bucks in and he would explain. so the man did and the bartender told him if he accomplished 3 challenges he would win the money. the challenges were first to kill a fifth of tequilla, the second was to pull a bad tooth from the mouth of the bars pit bull, and the third was to give the 80 yr old bar whore who had never had a orgasm a climax. the man said forget it, but, after a few beers he felt he could do it, so he called the bartender over who sat the fifth on the bar and the man proceeded to kill it. "no problem" said the man. "wheres that dog now?" the bartender pointed to the back door , and the man staggered out. After a lot of ruckess and barking and growling and then howling the man,all bloody and cut up staggered back in and asked "OK, wheres that whore with the bad tooth!".

 

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

 

Are your ears cold?.....


Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,“'Honey, my hands are freezing!� She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.�

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!� She says again, “Well, put them between my thighs and warm them up again.� He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.� She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?�.

 

A doctor is giving a new nurse a tour of the hospital and showing her what type of patients she may encounter. The doctor shows her the burn ward, the patients that are in isolation, and so on until they walk past a patients room and she notices he's masterbating vigerously.

"Shouldn't we tell him to stop masterbating in a hospital," the nurse replies? "No, he has a rare disease in which he has to masterbate every hour or his testicles will explode,"explains the doctor.

As the tour continues they then walk past a patients room and notice that one of the nurse's is giving the patient a blowjob. "Now this can't be right,"the nurse shouts. Explains the doctor," No, no, same disease but better health plan."