who needs a laugh

http://www.misinformer.com/archive/2001/01/15/

site is funny....enjoy..rofl :lol:

 

woohoo, this thread has gotten 700 replies. now to post a joke so that people dont get mad at me for posting something meaningless.

whats the difference between mary and her lamb?






mary lets any man screw her, her sheep has higher standards.



okay, so its not good, but its the best i got right now.

 

Stupid bunny joke:

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash.

"Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said SIT, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees.

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "FLUFFY!! WILL YOU BE GOOD?!"

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says: "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and I can't do a thing with it!"

:bunny:

 

A man walks into a bar with his monkey, and orders a beer. He stands at the bar while drinking it, and watches his monkey eat the peanuts. After a few minutes, the monkey gets bored, hops off the bar, and runs around, until he discovers the pool table.

The bartender watches as the monkey jumps up, picks up the white ball, sniffs it, and then swallows it. "Hey, buddy, your monkey just ate my white ball," the bartender said to the man.The man immediately apologises, and pays for the cost to replace the white ball, and leaves with the monkey.

A week later, they come back. The man orders a beer, and stands at the bar drinking it, while his monkey eats peanuts. The bartender is keeping a very close eye on the monkey, in case he tries to eat another white ball. After a while, the monkey again hops off the bar, runs around, and finds a bowl of cherries. The monkey picks one up, sniffs it, and then puts it up his ass. He then pulls it out, and swallows it.

The bartender can't believe what he just saw. "Hey, buddy, your monkey just put a cherry up it's ass and ate it!"

The man looks over at his monkey, shrugs and says "Because of that white ball, he now measures everything before he eats it."

 

Chief Redtail walks into a bar one day. He's really tall, and cuts a very scary figure holding a bucket under one arm, two guns on his hips, and a little cat under his arm. Everyone stops dead and turns to look as he enters.

He goes to the bar and sits down. "Get me a drink," he says in a deep voice. The bartender, looking nervous, pours him a drink. He tosses it back. "Another." The bartender, now really scared pours him another. Redtail tosses that one back too. The bartender, now trembling with fear, pours him a third drink, which he tosses back.

Chief Redtail puts his pail on the ground. The other people in the bar can't help noticing that it smells very, very bad. But they're too scared to say anything. Suddenly, Redtail pulls out his guns, and shoots a few shots into the bucket. Then, he puts his guns away.

Then, he lets go of the kitten, then chases it around the bar for a bit, finally catching it, and putting it back under his arm. This continues for a little while: a few drinks, shooting into the nasty smelling bucket, and chasing the cat.

Finally, the bartender, really curious, asks Redtail what he's doing. "Well," says Redtail, "My father says that I need to act like a white guy." The bartender asks, "How do you do that?" Redtail says, "My father says that in order to be like a white guy, I've got to drink a few, shoot the shit and chase a little pussy."

 

Arrrgghhh... weird !!!

Two bums were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one bum said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world". "Why is that?" said the other bum. "Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $20 bill. I went into town and bought me a case of Thunderbird wine and was drunk for three days."

The other bum said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first bum. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blowjob, too?" "Well", the other bum said, "No, I never found her head."

 

that one's been posted, you didn't read all the pages did you?.........


a black baby dies and goes to heaven, walks through the pearly gates and up to god, god looks down at him, and says "here are your wings young one".
the baby looks up at god in wonder and whisper's "am i an angel?".
god snort's and say's "no, you're a bat, now fuck off!".

tee hee a religious and a racist joke in one...... i'm getting good at this.

 

D***, dude, you sure is ON MA NUTZ !!!

And your saying I'm the big-bad newb basher ??? :lol:

Well anyways, i must have missed it as i scrolled it thru, so sorry...


That last one you made really tore something loose in me... Really...


"Your a bat !!" HAW !!! :lol: :lol: :lol:


P.S. I am realising i am talking mainly S*** today... Please bear with me, as i have not slept in four days... Oh GOD !!!... :-x

 

Boy's teacher ask's him if he can bring spelling words to school tomorrow so the boy say's ok then gose home. Then gose up to his mother and say's mom what's a good spelling word his mom's on the phone and say's fuck no. So he writes it down then gose to his big brother and he says big brother what's a good spelling word and his brother's on the phone and he say's come on babe. Then he writes it down and gose to his little brother and says little brother whats a good spelling word his little brother's playing with his toy's and he say's inspector gadget so he write's it down. Next day his teacher says Jonny would you like to say your word first and boy says fuck no. Teacher say's watch your mouth do you want to go to the principal and little Jonny say's come on babe then she says who do you think you are and he says inspector gadget.

 

Damn. I've got 2 hill-arious jokes that I've been meaning to post, but they are just so long, I've been slackin'. Anyway, here they are.


A homeless wino is out in the miserable rain. He finds he has enough money for one bus ticket, so he figures he'll buy a ticket, and just ride the bus all day. At least it'll get him outta the rain. Well, he gets a seat behind the driver, and at the next stop, a beautiful woman gets on.
"Tickleyourasswithafeather?" asks the bus driver.
"EXCUSE ME?" roared the woman.
"Particularly nasty weather," said the bus driver. "Oh, yeah, yeah it is." replied the woman, who then took her seat. Next stop, same thing. Beautiful woman gets on. Bus driver says, "Tickleyourasswithafeather?"
"WHAT??!!!" "Particularly nasty weather." "Oh, yes, yes it is."

The drunk, curious, and guessing at what the bus driver was doing, leaned forward and said, "Hey man, do you ever get any chicks like that?"
"Well, I get a few." replied the driver.
"Well, do you mind if I try it? I haven't been with a woman in a long time."
The bus driver said no, but eventually relented, and said, "Ok. But this is gonna happen on my terms. You can only say it once, and only to a woman of my choosing. Else I'll throw you off this bus." So the drunk agreed, and sat back, eager.
After several stops, and several prospective women boarded, the bus finally came to a stop where one lone female waited to board the bus. The driver informed the wino that he could give it a shot on this woman.
The woman stepped on the bus. The drunk leaned forward, and asked, "HEY BABY, WANNA FUCK?" "What?!?!?!" roared the woman.

The wino replied, "LOOKS LIKE RAIN!!"





A couple are vacationing in Yellowstone National Park, driving along the highway, when they come across a dead skunk in the middle of the road. There is a baby skunk just circling and circling the body, which was obviously it's mother. "Awww, Harry. Stop and let me get the little guy," Sue said. "Hell no," said Harry. "The damn Park Rangers will have my ass if they catch me with wildlife in my possession." But, as is the way of the world, the wife won out. So they are driving along, the little skunk curled up in Sue's lap, when Harry saw a random roadblock ahead. "DAMN! The park rangers are checking cars. Quick!! Throw the little fucker out the window!" "Harry," said Sue. "How dare you! I will not!"
"Well.....Hide him under your skirt," said Harry.
"What about the stink?"
"Well, just hold the little fucker's nose, he'll be alright!"

 

How Many Babies Does It Take to paint a house?

Depands how hard you throw them

 

If we're doing dead baby jokes, I have one.

What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

 

Here's another:

What's funnier than a bunch of dead babies tied to a tree?



A dead baby tied to a bunch of trees.

 

If You Want Dead Baby Jokes - here is a massive list




Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.

Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.

Q: What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with a slashed baby.

----------

Q: What's red and sits in a highchair?
A: A baby eating razor-blades.

----------

Q: What is red and white and squirms in the corner?
A: Dead Baby playing with razor blades.

Q: What is red, white and green and sits in a corner?
A: Same baby 3 weeks later.

Q: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A: A baby playing in a plastic bag.

Q: What's blue and sits in the corner?
A1: Baby in a cellophane bag.
A2: Dead Baby playing with saranwrap.

Q: What is green and sits in the corner?
A: Same dead baby two weeks later!

----------

Q: What is Baskin Robbin's flavor of the month this month?
A: Blue Baby Cheesecake.
(There is a flavor of the month called Blueberry Cheesecake)

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A1: Fill a glass with root beer, and add a scoop of ice cream and a scoop of
dead baby.
A2: One glass of Root Beer and two scoops of baby.
(If on a diet use only one scoop)
A3: Add 8 ounces of Coke-Cola with 2 scoops of dead baby.
A4: Take your foot off its head.

Q: And where did you get these babies?
A: Abortion Clinic.

Q: (At Abortion clinic) "Boy, what are these people doing?
I can't get in because they block my way. I want my float!"
A: They are pro-life people. They don't like sweet stuffs.

----------

Q1: What's red and white and bubbles all over?
Q2: What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window?
Q3. What is brown and taps on a window?
Q4: What's pink and red and bangs on the window ?
Q5: What is black and bubbly and taps on glass?
A: A baby in the microwave.

Q: What is black and bubbly and taps on glass every ten seconds?
A: Dead baby in a carousel microwave!
(works best if told while in a swivel chair)

Q: What's blue and knocks on glass?
A: A baby in a fishtank

----------

Q: What is charred black and smells really bad?
A1: A baby chewing on an extension cord.
A2: A baby in the fireplace.

----------

Q1: What is red and swings back and forth?
Q2: What's pink and red and sways back and forth, back and forth...?
Q3: What's red and hangs four feet off the floor?
A: Dead baby on a meathook.

----------

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!
(damn elephants get into everything!)

Q: What do elephants use for ben-wa balls?
A: Dead babies.

----------

Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.

Q: Why did the tree fall over?
A: The koala never let go.

Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
A: Because the koala landed on it.

----------

Q: How do you get a baby out of a tree?
A: You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a penata!

----------

Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman on a children's playground!

----------

Q: What is more fun than stapling dead babies to the wall?
A: Pulling them off.

Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.

----------

Q1: What's red and white and goes 'round and 'round?
Q2: What goes red white, red red, white white red...?
Q3: What is pink and red and goes round and round?
Q4: What's pink and with a flick of a switch turns red?
Q5: What's red and chunky and travels, in a circle, at 190 mph ?
A: A baby in a blender

Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
A: So you can see the expression on its face!

Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender face first?
A: So you can see it's feet pulling up into tiny little fists!

Q1: How do you get 1000 dead babies in a phone booth?
Q2: How do you get 10 dead babies into a tupperware bowl?
A1: La' Machine!
A2: Use a blender

Q: How do you get it out?
A1: With a straw!
A2: Doritos

----------

Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can.

Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.

Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A: A trashcan lid in a dead baby.

----------

Q: What do you do with 4 dead babies and a sheet of glass?
A: Make a coffee table.

----------

Q: What is easier to unload, a truck full of Dead Babies or a truck full
of bowling balls?
A: Dead Babies, you can use a pitchfork

Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck
load of bricks?
A: You can't use a pitchfork on bricks.

Q: What's the difference between a barrel of water and a barrel of babies?
A: You can't shovel water with a pitchfork.

Q: How do you load 100 screaming babies onto a truck?
A: A pitchfork.

Q: How do you unload a truck full of babies?
A: With a pitchfork.

Q: Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
A: So you can tell which ones are still alive.

Q: What's this? (hold arms out and shake them)
A: A live one.

Q: How do you know when you hit a live one?
A: The pitchfork shakes

Q: How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
A: Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.

Q: What is worse than that?
A: At the bottom of the pile, there was one trying to eat its way out

Q: What is worse than that?
A: It made it

Q: What is worse than that?
A: It went back for seconds!

----------

Q. Whats more fun that spinning a baby on clothes line?
A. Stopping it with a shovel.

Q: What's more fun that spinning a baby on a clothesline at 100MPH?
A: Stopping it with a cricket bat (thwok)

----------

Q: What is worse than running a baby over with a car?
A: Getting it out of the tires.

----------

Q: How is a baby like a grape?
A: They both give a little wine when you squish them.

----------

Q: What's small, red, and can't turn around in corridors?
A: A baby with a javelin through its head.

Q: How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
A: Stick a javelin through it's head.

Q: What's small, red and can't get into elevators?
A: A baby with a javelin in it's head.

----------

Q: What does a dingo call a baby in a pram?
A: Meals on wheels.

----------

Q: What is pink, and with the flick of a switch, goes black?
A: A baby playing with a powerpoint.

----------

Q: What's black and furry and crawls across New South Wales?
A: A baby covered in Funnel-Web spiders.
( PS. Funnel-Web Spiders are black and furry )

----------

Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A: A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.

----------

Q: What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.

Q: Whats red and white and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

----------

Q: What's the proper gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy.

----------

Q: What is red and crawls up your leg?
A: A homesick abortion!

----------

Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.

----------

Q: What is red and hangs around in trees?
A: A baby that was hit by a snow thrower.

Q: What's red and white and is spread all over the lawn?
A: A baby run over by a lawn mower.

Q: What's red, white and green and is spread all over the lawn?
A: Same baby, two months later.

----------

Q: Why don't dead babies drive BMWs?
A: Because BMW jokes are almost as old as dead baby jokes! Sheish!! Get a
life, why don't you?!

----------

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile high enough to reach the light bulb with.

----------

Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.

----------

Q: What's pink and spits?
A: A baby in a frying pan.

----------

Q: What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles.
A: A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.

----------

Q: What is pink and red and gurgles?
A: A baby munching on razor blades.

----------

Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: Twins in an acid bath.

----------

Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little
baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at
you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out.

----------

Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
A: Because you get a womb with a view.

----------

Q: What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying?
A: With an axe.

----------

Q: What's better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing?
A: Tying them to your tires and skidding.

----------

Q: Why does the husband always bring boiling water at a birth?
A: In case the baby dies, he can make soup.

----------

Q : Whats the worst thing a blind, deaf baby can get for Christmas ?
A : Cancer *eeeeeewwwwwwww*

----------

Q : Whats white and bobs up and down in a baby's cot ?
A : A Paedophiles arse

----------

Q: What do vegetarian dingos eat?
A: Cabbage patch kids.

----------

Q: What do you call a baby on a stick?
A: A Kebabie.

Q: What do you call a baby on a stick with no kidneys?
A: Doner Kebabie.

Q: What did the mother say to the baby on a stick that was crying?
A: "Shush, Kebabie!"

----------

Q: What is the definition of revenge?
A: A baby with a dingo in its mouth.

----------

Q: What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?
A: You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.

Q. What is brown and keeps it's juices in?
A. A baby in an oven bag.

----------

Q: How do you spoil a baby?
A: Leave it out in the sun.

----------

Q: Why did the shark fisherman stop at the abortion clinic?
A: Dead babies make the best chum.

----------

Q: What's charred black and smells really bad?
A: A baby playing with a blow torch.

----------

Q. What was the baby doing on the wall?
A. Playing darts. It was the board.

----------

Q. What was the baby doing on the table?
A. Lying on its tummy. It was the pin cushion.

----------

Q: What is 18" long, cold and stiff, and makes a woman scream in the morning?
A: Crib death.

----------

Q: What's worse (or more fun) than a dead baby in art class?
A: Pinning it up on the bulletin board.

----------

Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.

----------

Q: What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of placenta?
A: You can't gargle gravel.

----------

Q: What's more fun than a barrel of dead babies?
A: Sticking pins in their eyes.

----------

Q: Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones
A: Because they're hand made

----------

Did you know that it takes five babies to make just one bottle of baby oil?

----------

A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.

Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked
the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy ....

SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....

Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and
hollers MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ??????

The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says...
He was ALREADY DEAD !!!!!!!!!!

or

A woman is lying in her hospital bed after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.

When the baby is born, the nurse looks at the mother and says
with a sad voice I am sorry, but your baby is stillborn.

MAD with sorrow the mother THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....

The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says...
He wasn't DEAD !!!!!!!!!!

----------

Jerry Rice is walking down the streets of San Francisco when all of a
sudden he hears sirens coming from the next street down. He hurries
down the road to see what's happening and sees a huge fire engulfing
a 10 story building. And on the top floor, a lady is leaning out the
window shouting to the firemen below.

FIREMAN: Come on, lady, jump. We have the tarp here, we'll be able
to catch you.
LADY: No....I can't. My baby, my baby is up here.
FIREMAN: Throw the baby down, we'll catch him.
LADY: No, you'll miss. I can't leave my baby.

Jerry sees this and steps forward. "Hey, I think I can help. Let me
have the bullhorn."

JERRY: Hey lady, I'm Jerry Rice, the wide receiver for the San Francisco
49er's. I'm the best wide receiver in the game, throw your baby
down and I'll catch him, this is what I do for a living.

Being a 49er fan herself, the lady recognizes Jerry and throws her baby
down to him. Just as she throws it though, a huge gust of wind comes
and takes the baby and starts to blow him off course. Jerry sees this
and takes off after the baby. He hurdles the line closing off the area,
fights through the crowd, dodges a couple of fire fighters, jumps over
the car, and dives forward, just making a fingertip catch of the baby.
The crowd around him goes wild and starts cheering his amazing catch.
So Jerry jumps to his feet, raises his finger into the air, does a two
step and then spikes the baby.

 

Dude, that was sick. Dead baby jokes suck.



Q: How do you get a one-armed jabbo out of a tree?
A: Wave at him.

Q: How do you stop a jabbo from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What do you call 4 jabbos, standing in a line?
A: Organized crime.

Q: What do you call 15 jabbos in a Lincoln?
A: Grand theft auto.

Q: Why were there only 4,000 Mexicans in the Battle at the Alamo?
A: They only had one van.

Q: Why are you not supposed to ever, ever, ever run over a jabbo that's riding a bicycle?
A: It's probably your bike.

Q: What do you call a jabbo on a bike?
A: A thief.

 

in order to celebrate the lady Snow's recently acquired position (teehee....... position.), i felt this was quite aprobos* **........


My wife seems to be losing her sense of humour for no apparent reason.

Why, just the other day she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlour.

I asked, "Are you going in for an estimate, or are you going to get the work done?".


* may not be correct word

** may not be aprobos

 

Snowmane, i know you've seen this........ but of course it doesn't apply to you, because you are beautiful and lovely, snow.


This messages contents were fixed by the wonderful Snowmane. Enjoy the newer, better version!

 

Why thank you, mrnobodie, I'm flattered! I liked the joke too.

 

all i can say is....... you don't play fair....... ah well, atleast you didn't ban me. :lol:

 

How do you stop an Iraqi tank?

Shoot the guy pushing it.



Saddam sent his son into town to buy groceries for the bunker. His son soon returned, carrying a cardboard box full of food. "Dammit, Uday, why the box?" Uday replied, "They didn't have a bag, dad."



What do Saddam Hussein and Miss Muppet have in common?

They both have Kurds in their way.