who needs a laugh

A man walks into the living room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the bar. Put your coat on." The wife, thrilled to be included in his activity, asks, "Does that mean you're taking me with you, darling?" "No," the man says, "I'm turning off the heat."

 

just some witty (and some not) comebacks for use as needed....


1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
2. "You say I'm your bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
4. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
5. "Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
7. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"
8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
11. "YOU!!... off my planet!!!"
12. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
13. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
14. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"
15 "And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"
16. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
17. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
18. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
19. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
20. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
21. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"
22. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
23. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
24. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
25. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
26. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."
27. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
28. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
29. "Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."
30. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
31. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
32. "Earth is full. Go home."
33. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
34. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
35. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
36. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
37. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."
38. "What do you mean I'm not kind? I'm just not YOUR kind!"

 

:lol:

Here is a little Reader's Digest joke:

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

 

What connects the computers in Sauron's office?
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A Tolkien Ring Network.

 

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. The owner asks the clerk
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something
for his cough. I couldn't find the
cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle
of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid
to cough!"

 

here's a joke for the kiddies*


A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains she is to report to work at 8:00am.
The next day at 8:45am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she is incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to factory to show him the problem. Sure enough, elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes He pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".


* may not be for kiddies

 

A young guy at a bar notices two girls deep in conversation. He walks over and asks, "You girls want a drink?" "You're wasting your time," says one of the ladies. "We're lesbians." "What's a lesbian?" he asks. "We like to eat pussy," she replies. "Hey there!" the guy calls to the bartender. "Three drinks over here for us lesbians, please."

 

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem and sends along a photo of himself to better help them choose the costume that is best suited for him.

A few days later he received a small package with the following note:
"Dear Sir,
We have reviewed the photo that you sent and have decided upon the perfect costume for you. Please find enclosed a spotted handkerchief. The spotted handkerchief will be used to cover your bald head and with your creaky wooden leg you will be perfect as a pirate!"
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co."

The man thinks that this is terrible because they have just given him a costume that emphasizes his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint and returns the spotted handkerchief.

A week goes by and he receives another package and another note which says:

"Dear Sir,
We are sorry that you didn't like the pirate outfit that we sent to
you. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your shiny bald head, you will really look the part!"
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co."

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from giving him a costume that emphasizes his wooden leg to one that makes fun of his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint and returns the robe.

The next day he gets an even smaller package and a note, which reads:
"Dear Sir,
We are sorry that you took offense to our choices of the Pirate costume and the Monk's outfit that we sent to you. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Simply pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple."
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co."

 

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. "You're not from aroud here are you, bud?" says the bartender. "No, replies the guy. "I'm actually from Boston." "Whatcha do up in that fancy Boston?" asks the bartender. "I'm a taxidermist." "What the hell's a taxidermist?" the guy explains, "I mount dead animals." "It's okay, boys," announces the bartender. "He's one of us!"

 

here are some amusing tales of emergency room hijinks........

A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

THE FEMALE SOFA

A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

A PRICKLY PAIR

In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that he had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

SO.... PING PONG ANYONE?

A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation a pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.

BLIND DRUNK

A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!

A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion,the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

 

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the
deep end, sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to
save her, he swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out - when the medical
director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be
discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally
stable.

When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able
to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained
your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with
her dressing gown belt in the bath room. I am so sorry, but she's dead."

Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry."

 

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Alzheimers! The simplicity of childhood with the privileges of adulthood!

 

YAY! Jar's back and in all his grumpy glory.

 

IRT Mrnobodie
EEGADS! *winces in pain* The fork one is....eegads!

Anyway, a quick clean one

An elf, a human and a dwarf walk into the local tavern, and each order a pint of ale. The second they arrive, a fly lands in each one of them. The elf is absolutely disgusted, puts the pint away, and asks for a wine. The human picks the fly up, tosses it over his shoulder and drains the glass.
The dwarf gently picks the fly up, holds it in front of is face, and yells "Spit it out ye bastard, spit it OUT!"

 

Good one, Drugar. Here's another blonde joke.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?

One's a busy ditch.

And here's a true story for us Americans. It seems, that during the space race, the Americans hit on a problem. Ballpoint pens would not work in outer space. So the American scientists spent years and 12 billion, yes that's $12,000,000,000 to develop a pen that would write in zero gravity, under water, on metal....etc., etc.

The Russians just used a pencil. Americans, witness your tax dollars at work!!!

 

No offense ladies but tell me guys and girls if you get this saying.
Liquor up front, poker in the back Now say it real slow and you will get it. Its kinda old.

 

Ya, I get it. Kinda like:

What did you eat for breakfast?
Ketchup and rubber buns.
What did you eat for supper?
Ketchup and rubber buns.
What do you do when you see an old lady walking down the street?
Ketchup and rubber buns.

 

Yeah well see if you guys get this its kinda long but here goes!

I got a girl who lives on a hill, she won't do but her sister will! OOOOO The tubesteak boogy! OOOOO The tubesteak boogy!

Now tell me what the tubesteak boogy is hehe... Give you a hint if you read the smiley thread then this will give it away.

 

It's actually "Liquor up front, poker in the rear"

Never did get that one, what could it possibly mean? :thinker:

Oh, wait, now I get it! HAHAHAHA

Is that better?

 

Sooo, we witness "fuck up thread width" open season, don't we? At least people with "dark" in their handle seem to be enjoying it.