who needs a laugh

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items onto the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that? The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."

 

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison.
While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and......, I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way".
"You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my
neck...., He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong.............. and I love you, too." :lol:

 

LMAO

 

That's motrin pain...agh, commercials...slogans...media. MIND! STOLEN! The media's stolen my mind, I'm spewing slogans...well, one slogan...but spewing just the same! Must...turn...off...TV...

 

3 Blonde girls stride confidently into a pub singing "28 days, 28 days, 28 days".
The bartender is puzzled and asks, "What the fuck are you singing 28 days for???!!!".
The girls reply:"We saw a jigsaw that said on the box, for 3-4 years, and we did it in 28 days!!!!!"......... ok, an oldie but still funny.

 

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip
to the country to visit a little farm. The kids were amazed to see all
the different kind of animals.

So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a
rooster and a hen?"
"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl.
"Very good!" said the Farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl,
"What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"
"Well," replied the girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have
on Thanksgiving Day".
"Very good!" explained the farmer.

Then he asks Little Johnny,
"Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow"?
"Yes, I do," replied Little Johnny. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

 

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play
only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us,
and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game.
After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck,
and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
"I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement.
"I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on
only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all
Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after
the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack
and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference,
the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money
(being clever with money, and all!).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three
engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of
the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants
are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."

 

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around.
He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him
to look after things while he was gone.

The vet asked, "Is anything happening?"

The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will
come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it
This is her third and the first two went really easily."

The vet said, "okay" and the doctor went on the fishing trip.

When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?"
"Pretty good."
"Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?"
"Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine."
"Did you have any trouble?"
"Well, there was just one little problem."
"What was that?"
"I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"

 

Ya know how having sex with a fat woman is like riding a moped?


















Both are fun until your friends catch you doing it.

 

Stop me if you've head this one...

Okay, so a priest and a rabbi are driving on the same road, in opposition to eachother (geographically speaking). As they are about to pass eachother by, lightning strikes a nearby tree, and as they both swerve to avoid possible catastrophe, they steer their respective automobiles directly into eachother. Amazingly, they both step out, uninjured, and say the appropriate prayers. The Priest approaches the Rabbi, "It is a bleesing from the heavens that we both survived this crash! It is a sign from above that we should reconcile our differences! Let's be friends!" The Rabbi retorts, "I think you are right! I've got some sacraficial wine in the car, let's toast to our newfound friendship." The Rabbi pours two glasses, and hands one to the Priest. They toast, and the priest drinks down his wine in a gulp. The Rabbi meanwhile, is pouring his glass back into the bottle. "What are you doing? I thought we were toasting to friendship?" says the confused Priest. The Rabbi smiles, "Oh, I think I'll wait untill the cops get here for that."

 

*bump while Nobodie's around*

Maybe we'll see some action.

 

Here's one that I don't get. It's from the movie Kung Pow! Enter the Fist

"My ass" ?

Huh?

 

damn it sheriff, i was doing something and then you made me go looking for jokes, well here's one about everyone's favorite pom......


James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a smile , then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The women notices this and asks: "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." Intrigued, the woman says: "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it. Bond explains: " It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says: "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies: "Well it must be broken because I certainly am wearing panties!" Bond frowns, and taps his watch: "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

 

... Nobodie doooeesss it betterrrrrrrr ...
... Nobodie does it halllffff so gooood as him ...

 

Hilarious, mrnobodie. Hilarious.

What the bloody hell is a pom?

 

I think a pom is the opposite of a git

 

A pom is what the Australians affectionately call us Brits. I think it was originally an acronym for something like "Prison Overseer Man" and they just kept it out of latent feelings that we are their masters.

 

Poms are Brits, Yanks are Americans and Frogs are French. Wogs are just about everyone from the Meditteranean . Gooks are Asian (and particularly offensive for some reason).

That's all I can think of at the moment.