"True Lies"

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Darkwalker, Sep 18, 2002.

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  1. Darkwalker

    Darkwalker Member

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  2. mrnobodie

    mrnobodie New Member

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    Retard, once again you've made me cry from laughing so much. I've actually seen something similar to that happen at my work where a guy had to pull a hokkien noodle which was unusually long out of his throat becuase he had stuffed too much into his mouth and couldn't swallow it.
    well here's mine......... be gentle with me.....

    i was 17 and was competeing at a martial arts tournament,(which i came fourth in), when i'd noticed some rather hot female type people that were training next to our area of the stadium, so we decided to start doing a few moves under the thinly veiled excuse of warming up, so all's proceding well and we're into the tournament proper and i go up for my fifth match and i'm standing at the edge of the mat waiting for the judges to call us on... which was raised about 3 feet, so every one could see.... and my opponent was on the hotties team so they were around the mat as well when one of my fellow team mates reaches up and procedes to "dak" me.... now we don't normally wear anything under our uniforms so we have freedom of movement, so there i am standing on a raised platform in front of a couple of hundred people (plus the hotties) with my pants around my ankles. :oops:
     
  3. Darkwalker

    Darkwalker Member

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    Well, it could have worked to your advantage concerning the hotties, depending on how well endowed you are. Did ya ever muster the nerve to talk to them? Thanks for sharing BTW.
     
  4. mrnobodie

    mrnobodie New Member

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    no, they were too busy laughing for me to talk to them, but in my defense it was cold in that stadium so there was a LOT of shrinkage, not to mention the shock of what happened didn't help either. my "friend" was kicked out of the competition for his actions and after the match which i won (probably from pity) i proceded to kick his well-deserving arse.
     
  5. bryant1380

    bryant1380 New Member

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    Embarrasing story number 2, coming up...


    Before I was married to Amy, I was engaging in some, um......tomfoolery with my girlfriend. I wound up with two, um.......hickies on my neck. The next day, I had to go to work, so I searched in my closet for the highest collared shirt I had. The collar still didn't cover my tell-tale mark, so I stooped to the lowest levels of manhood....I still can't believe I'm gonna tell this.

    I kinda nicked my sister's bottle of concealer to take to work....

    Yeah, yeah, huh huh huh....Laff it up..... I just knew what I was in for if the guys at work saw me with a dang hicky on my neck. So, there I was....standing in my sis's bedroom, applying my makeup. I put on the stuff (it was kinda slimy, windmills, plus it was hard to get off my finger. Yeah, my finger. There was something just too gay in using one of those little round pads) I stepped closer to the mirror to admire my handiwork. It looked like the concealer had taken the glare off of the bruise.

    So I went to work, concealer bottle in my pocket. I put it in my top desk drawer, confident I was just gonna slide through the day, my tomfoolery unnoticed. Never have I been so mistaken

    It was noticed right away. Kinda went like this....
    Joey: "Hey man, how was your weekend?"
    Me: "Pretty good."
    Joey: "Yeah mine too. I went
    t.......HEEEEeeeeeeeyyyyy. What's that on your neck?"
    Me: "Football injury.
    Joey: "Bullshit that's a football injury!!! What kinda football? Kiss-tackle?"

    The rest of the day went pretty much the same. Until..........

    Yup, you guessed it. I heard a noise at my desk when I was away from it. Upon turning around, I saw Joey, sitting in my chair, leant over, and peering in my drawer.

    Joey: "What do you keep putting in here, man?"
    Me: NOOOOO!!!! I mean, NOTHING!! It's nothing man...noth.....
    Joey: "WH....WHAAT THE FU-UUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The rest of the day was so humiliating, I'm not even going to get into it. Let's just say that I had my manhood taken away that day. My balls were reduced to the size of marbles, ripped off, and trampled on.



    Oh yeah, and the hicky lasted for 12 days.
     
  6. Hel Khat

    Hel Khat New Member

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    OMG you retard you need to STOP!!!! I can't stop laughing that was WAY too funny. Make-up :D Man even I've never worn make-up :wink:

    FOOTBALL INJURY!!!! Oh man this story wins the prize! :rofl:
     
  7. bryant1380

    bryant1380 New Member

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    Yeah....concealer my ass. More like Revealer.
     
  8. Darkwalker

    Darkwalker Member

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    Alright guys and gals, in order to keep my thread alive and to provide you yet again with amusement at my behalf, I will tell you of the time I was in pursuit of possibly the most beautiful girl who ever gave me the time of day, and the jackass stunt I pulled to demolish my chances with her. The setting for this story is a stripclub by the name of Electric or some such nonsense. I can only imagine how shocked you all must be to hear of a sailor in a stripclub, drinking his paycheck away. Anyway, this club employed two types of women, dancers and hostesses, the woman I was interested in was of the latter. She was a demure, delicate beauty of asian and english descent, and I was infatuated from the moment I saw her. Unlike the dancers, the women who worked as hostesses were intelligent conversationalists who relied more on their social skills than their bodies to earn a wage. And as such, they were in high demand among men of taste such as myself. I introduced myself, and we hit it off as well as any client/professional relationship can be expected to. I held no illusions as to why she wanted the pleasure of my company, and compensated her well for the time. As the weeks went by, it came to a point where she no longer accepted my money and I took this as a positive sign that it was time to move beyond the confines of the club in regard to our budding relationship. I excused myself, and went to the head to muster my nerve so I could ask her out on a proper date. The urinals in this head had mirrors conveniently placed above them and I took this opportunity, long island iced tea in hand , to fluff my hair just right. Meanwhile, I had already unleashed Master Willy to take care of business unassisted. Now I rarely do this, but seeing as how I had my drink in one hand and was grooming with the other it seemed the logical course of action. Unfortunately, I was wearing the large, double barrel Jinco jeans that were all the rage at the time and Mr. Willy decided to duck back into the batcave while I was urinating. In my drunken state, it had taken about two or three seconds for me to notice what the hell was happening. I cut the stream off immediately, but the damage was done. "sonofa bitch" I muttered aloud, would I never escape the damning entity that was my waste disposal system?! First I shit my pants, and now, with the most beautiful girl in the world out there waiting for me, I had pissed my pants. I tried using the electric hand dryer to no avail, the stain was huge, spreading from my crotch halfway to the knee in an ever widening ring of off colored denim. I truly felt like crying and had no choice but to bail, and quickly. Only problem was, our table was near the entrance and I would have to walk right past her. I quickly rushed past her and mumbled some excuse about having to leave. But it was clear, the disgust mirrored in her eyes was all the proof I needed that I had fooled no one. Face burning I rushed to my car, only to realize I had left my car keys back at the table. Round two, she was still sitting there in obvious disbelief as I walked over to gather my things, she didn't say anything and neither did I. I had never been more humilliated in my life. I got my stuff and just hightailed back to the parking lot. It was at that moment, I seriously considered giving up the drink. After I got home and showered, I came to my senses and poured myself a Crown on the rocks. "Win some, lose some" is what my ol' papy used to say, I took comfort in this, and have been recovering from my trauma pretty well. :wink:
     
  9. Milo

    Milo New Member

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    Oh man. That sucks, Darkwalker. If I was in that situation (and there was no one else in the bathroom), I would've poured water all over my pants, shirt and hair, and then kicked off one of the faucets on the sink and turned the water on. Then I would've ran out of the bathroom and yelled at someone because their sink blew up and got me all wet.
     
  10. Luchaire

    Luchaire New Member

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    Indeed, Milo... that would have been the rational approach, I think. Shame on Darkwalker for not thinking of that at the time. :p
     
  11. Milo

    Milo New Member

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    Eh, he was drunk.

    If I was drunk, I probably would've taken the slightly less embarrassing approach of vomitting on my piss stain reasoning that barf was the lesser of two evils.

    EDIT - Now that I think about it, that approach is neither less embarrassing nor the lesser of two evils.
     
  12. mrnobodie

    mrnobodie New Member

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    wouldn't it of just of been easier to "spill" your drink all over your shirt and pants (therefore increasing the size of the stain) and claiming you "tripped" and spilt your drink on yourself, or were you to pissed to think that laterally. :D
     
  13. Milo

    Milo New Member

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    Wow, that's a great out. You have the wisdom of a true alky, mrnobodie.
     
  14. Darkwalker

    Darkwalker Member

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    For shame mrnobodie! That would be considered alcohol abuse, which is about as enjoyable as a rat trap to the nuts.
     
  15. Luchaire

    Luchaire New Member

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    :eek:

    Have you experienced that too??
     
  16. Darkwalker

    Darkwalker Member

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    Fortunately no, though in retrospect, I might have preferred it over that awful night. :frownyes:
     
  17. ThreeDogs

    ThreeDogs New Member

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    Milo I know you are holding out on us. Don't make me go find the posts man. :p
     
  18. Milo

    Milo New Member

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    I think every embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me has already been posted here. That's including both the hamster incident and the dog incident which were mercifully eaten by a server fart.
     
  19. ThreeDogs

    ThreeDogs New Member

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    Don't forget the "Milo gets a job" episode.
     
  20. Windmills

    Windmills New Member

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    Hm? I know I've had some pretty strange life experiences, but why invoke my name when describing concealer? *puzzled*

    I'm debating putting up a second embarrassing tale, but oddly enough, all my embarrassing tales revolve somehow with sexual acts. I'll try to find a tasteful way to describe it without upsetting (or corrupting) anyone. "I'm a dirty Bitch.*" :lol:



    *from the amusing naked guy/sheep thread - "I'm a dirty bastard"
     
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