The T-A Dating Game

Speaking of which, am I the only one who thinks of dating and having sex as being quite separate things? I think I've only ever met one person in my life whom I'd date and have sex with; anyone else, I find to be in neither or only one category.

 

Isn't dating the obstacle you need to overcome in order to access sweet, sweet intercourse?

I don't see them as any more separate than that.

 

I don't find that to be the case at all. I was fairly recently in a situation where I had casual sex with someone and thought to myself, 'Yep', and then had to tell her to fuck off when she tried to take it further; and I've been in positions where I thought I was just being friendly, and then it turned out that I was expected to have sex with the person, and I just said 'Nope'.

 

Obviously you can circumvent the whole dating aspect with casual sex, as you point out. But if you date a person I'd think that you'd expect sex (maybe even a romantic relationship) somewhere down the line. Otherwise you aren't really trying to "date" someone, I think.

In the second instance (you being friendly; the other expecting sex) you're clearly not intending to date the person, but your friendship is misunderstood.

Or do you consider the second instance as the two of you dating? If so, we obviously define the word in different ways.

 

No, I don't think I explained what I meant very clearly. It wasn't a friendship that was being misunderstood, it was like an event that was happening, like hanging out upstairs in a bedroom at a party with someone you're already friends with, that I assumed was just normal hanging out stuff, until it transpired that she expected me to start pulling out my cock and ramming her with it.

As for the date thing, what I mean is that I find that anyone whom I would want to date to the point where I'd describe it as a romantic relationship isn't someone I'd like to have sex with, and I even find the thought of it uncomfortable, whereas I know several people whom I would just fuck on a once-off but not want to date.

 

Wow. I suppose that the environment in the first instance might seem encouraging, but that's pretty presumptuous.

Dating then, if I understand you correctly, is a tool with which one can gain either a romantic relationship or a sexual relationship (or both if (un)fortunate). I suppose I can buy that, but I've never experienced dating fuelled by non-sexual desires myself.

 

Not even that, because I wouldn't go on a date with someone I was having sex with or someone that I wanted to have sex with.

In the first instance, purely because, simply by coincidence it seems, I don't really find anyone I'd have sex with an interesting person, so why would I want to spend any alone time with them? Perhaps on occasion, the same as I would with any kind of friend, if I was friends with them; but otherwise, it seems a bit odd. In the second instance, I think it seems a bit creepy or painfully transparent that the idea is that you're either trying to show off how much of a not-murderer you are before you start sticking your bits in her bits, or pretending—I don't even know what. That it's not on your mind? That, when it happens, it wasn't what you were planning? I don't know.

I'm going on a romantic date, shortly, with a friend of mine, and I don't really like the idea that what she might be thinking is that I looked her up and down one day and said to myself, 'Yeah; I'd like to ease into that real nice'.

 

I've never seen sex as something I should reserve for uninteresting people that I've not intention of socialising with. Nor do I share your view that sexual attraction is something, I don't know, crude maybe, that you shouldn't spoil a romantic relationship with. And I don't see dating (with sexual desire as an important aspect) as simply a matter of planning and preparing for, uhm, "sticking your bits into another person's bits". It doesn't have to be conniving.

Now, I understand the value of both chaste marriages (or romances/relationships) and casual sex. But I certainly don't find the thought of either party in a romance desiring sex (or indeed casual sex developing into a relationship) appalling. When I sleep with someone (and that's not often let me tell you!) I generally do it because I find the person interesting and/or is someone I'm romantically interested in. I'm not kidding myself, claiming that physical attraction isn't a large factor too, but mostly when I deem a person uninteresting, I have no longer a interest in them, be it for sex, romance or simple conversation.

 

I'm not saying that it's something that I reserve for uninteresting people; I'm saying that I haven't yet, bar one occasion, had the desire to sleep with someone whom I also found to be a potential life partner or good friend. And if I do, as on that one occasion, it's just a happy coincidence, because I don't think of the two things as necessarily related. I don't particularly want to keep them separate; it's just how I react.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. That's exactly what I think. But it's rather something that I say about myself by observing my reactions and behaviour and noting it, rather than some kind of decision that I came to. I even find that I extend it to other people, in the sense that I like to pretend to myself that certain couples, that I know, don't have sex, in the same way a lot of people like to pretend that their parents don't have sex. I wouldn't, however, attempt to discourage anyone from having sex; nor do I think it's wrong, immoral, or some other bullshit like that.

 

Personally, I like to befriend my friends with benefits.

I agree that fucking and hanging out are two very different activities, just as talking and eating are different, but you need to eat sometimes, even though it is messy.

If you can variously talk, eat, hang out and fuck with the same person, it is more efficient, not to mention that emotion humans call 'wuv'.

 

I agree of that, my ytzkian friend.

It is until now that I have realized I've never had a "Date" before. I've had a pair of short-term relationships and now in an almost five year relationship, but never dated anyone before, and, after reading this, I find my situation marvelous, as I have to deal with who-to-fuck troubles... Not!

 

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I'm starting to wonder what sordid sexual activity you get up to with these people who you have casual sex with that you think it's too crude to expose people who you wish to seriously date to.

 

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You've been missing out; they're delicious.

 

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It's a bit too complicated to explain. Suffice to say that it involves a Bowie knife, three soft-boiled eggs, and a copy of Madame Bovary (or anything by Flaubert, for that matter).

 

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A well thought out and humorous response; I would have also accepted "bum stuff".

 

Or, for that matter, and being Joe B. who asked, it could had involved children 'swell.

 

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The generally understood purpose of a date is to audition someone for this exact role. So to say "I wouldn't go on a date with someone that I wanted to have sex with" doesn't make much sense.

 

Once I called a girl and said I wanted to ask her on a date.

She said, you're brave, what for?

I said, to gauge the potential for a sexual relationship of course.

She laughed over the phone for about a minute, which is a long time to wait for someone to stop laughing at you.

Then she said no thankyou.

 

ytzk - gettin' shit done since eighty-one.

 

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It's great that you don't mind being so useless; I think we all need a stupid comment that misses the point, now and then, to remind us what it is to understand.