I feel like you've really let yourself down here Smuel. Unlike other terms for fornication, the slang "pork" is only conventionally used as a verb and not a noun (i.e. "Me and Smuel's mum had a right filthy shag on the countertop" works, whereas "I had a pork" makes a man sound like a simpleton). Overall the whole contrived nature of Japes' and my moms liking "a plain pork" doesn't register as anything but the weakest attempt at a pun, and I'm deeply, deeply disappointed in you. I think you need to learn when enough's enough, which ironically is a lesson I've been trying to teach your mum for years. In regards to your other points, pork chops bad belly pork good. Good morning!