Here we go, my brothers and sisters. The Oregon Trail. The great land of Missarcanumi has become overcrowded and difficult to live in. So, we will follow the Oregon Trail and make our way to where the land is freer and the grass is greener! Who shall be going with us today? I, the humble teacher, will lead this journey. With me are my family, Xiao, Zanza, Dark Elf, and Xz. None of us are actually related, though its a long journey ahead, so orgies may ensue. Too bad we don't have any hot chicks. We buy some neat stuff (four oxen, notably), and head off on May 1, 1848. By the end of the week, we arrive at the Kansas River Crossing, where some thief promptly steals ten bullets from our wagon. Mysteries are abound about what crazed fool would only steal ten of our 800 bullets. We suspect it was Papa_Dog, and he just wanted to hold something of Xiao's. Shame. We would have brought him and DarkFool along had there been more room. Not Muro, though. He'd just kill us and take all our stuff. Anyways, the river is 625 feet wide, and 4 feet deep. 4 feet? Well, heck, besides Xiao, we can all just wade across that! However, for Xiao's sake, we will caulk the wagon and make it into a raft. Fortunately, we make it across without trouble. Xiao gets bitten by a snake. Naturally. Luckily, that river (Blue River Crossing) is only 2 days away! We make for it. This one is only 3 feet deep, so we decide to wade across. Xiao can sit in the wagon, since she's a baby and cries about snake bite. Oops. Luckily, nobody is injured, and we get all our stuff back. Also, it's the first time Zanza has bathed since we left. On May 19, we reach Fort Kearney. Not particularly interesting. Apparently, this is where the Oregon Trail truly begins, since all the paths converge at this point. Sweet. On May 24, we lose a day because Zanza got lost. Yep, sounds about right. On May 28, we find a bunch of stuff in an abandoned wagon. We all agree to take it. Xz claims that the previous owners are selfish for not owning this shit anymore. One June 2, we get to Chimney Rock. A woman starts talking to us. For an educational game, Oregon Trail makes no mention of the fact that this chick needs to stop talking to people and get the fuck out of Kansas before the slave traders come. Shortly after we leave, she is captured by Texans when she tries to tell them how silly the Injuns are. A few days later, Dark Elf gets lost. I imagine he, also, is afraid of Kansas slave traders, and has bailed. For some reason, we wait anyways, despite the fact that he will probably murder us all. Also, we've now started hunting for food. I used one bullet and got 200 pounds of meat. There is a balance oversight in Oregon Trail wherein the really fast animals offer almost no meat, and the slow, lumbering animals that are easy to hit give more than you can carry. Apparently, there was supposed to be some meaning like "over time, the buffalo start to run out, because the ease at which you're hunting them drives them to extinction", but then it leaves you wondering "who the fuck cares, I need to feed my kids". Incidentally, it takes 3 days (June 6-9) to find DElf. On June 13, we reach Fort Laramie. On June 15, I mercilessly slaughter two Buffalo. I only need half of one. It is delicious. My God, Xiao is a liability. Exhaustion? Are you serious? All we do is sit in the cart. Also, we've reached the desert, so difficulty starts to ramp up. The water is often bad (which cures Xiao's exhaustion right quick) and there is presumably less food. That just means I have to wait longer for the buffalo to cross the screen, though. We pass through Independence Rock on July 1. On July 3, Xz gets bit by a snake. On July 5, I lose the trail. I don't know how, there are supposed to be hundreds of us on this thing. When we reach the South Pass on July 12, the place is full of Mormons. They're going to Utah to build Salt Lake City. We wish them all the best luck, made snide comments about religion, and go on our way. The trail divides, however! We can either go to Fort Bridger for supplies, or take the shortcut to Green River. We have lots of stuff, so we go to Green River. Xz gets bitten by another snake. Later, Xiao breaks her arm. Probably picking the wild fruit. Now, we reach the Green River on July 25, and this is a bit tougher than the last two rivers we came across. It's 20 feet deep and 400 feet wide. We definitely can't wade across it. We could use the ferry for $5.00, but Xz convinces me this is a bad idea. We need lots of money when we get to Oregon, after all, and we don't want to be selfish. So, we tell the friendly Indian to fuck off and turn the wagon into a raft. Shockingly, we make it across. Everybody is tense the whole time. Nobody is quite certain how our oxen get across. We make it to Soda Springs! After getting lost. And killing several bears for our meal. A week later, we'll be in Fort Hall. Apparently, people are glad it is here. I do not know why, something to do with wood. We have been lucky in that nothing has broken, and nobody has gotten a disease thus far. On August 23, Xiao's arm mends. On August 27, excited that she can touch things again, she gets bitten by Dark Elf's snake. Luckily, it appears that Snake River Crossing is named Snake River Crossing because it heals Snake Bite. And is poisonous. This one is 1,000 feet wide, and 6 feet deep. Once more, we're building a raft! [A friendly Indian offered to help us for 3 sets of clothes. Xiao stabbed him at the very thought of it. She was apparently unaware he wanted our extra clothes. Like the ones we found in that abandoned wagon near the start of our journey. Women.] This journey turns out okay, as well. Apparently, Zanza is actually an accomplished sailor. On September 6, we have our first breakage, one of the wagon tongues. It is easily replaced. We make it to Fort Boise on September 14. A fellow tells me he expects to be rich within five years of arriving at Willamette Valley. This game isn't actually very educational. There is no mention of the horrible irony in statements like this. For all we're ever made to be aware of, we really will turn out incredibly wealthy soon after arriving. We're almost to Wilamette, and we've only just now gotten our first disease? DElf has dysentery. He probably got it from playing with his damn snake too much. Dark Elf dies of dysentery. Judging from the layout and the amount of people in this picture, we paid a family to bury and mourn for him. We made a brief peek out the back of our cart to make sure they were doing it right. At least we're rid of his damn snake. Then, as if on cue: Xz gets typhoid, and then a day later, Zanza gets cholera. It is clear the Dark Elf's snake was the only thing protecting us from disease. If only we could drink from its venom once again! I have us wait for one week. Xz and Zanza both get better just in time for us to head out once more! This is the final divide (I think). We can go to Fort Walla Walla or take the shortcut to the Dalles. What's that? Shortcut? HELLZ YEAH!! Xz gets a fever and dies within a day. Now that I'm stuck on a journey with only Zanza and Xiao as company, I'm beginning to wish I'd brought Muro and DarkFool along after all. Hell, if I'd been thinking, I would have brought Rroyo. Why did I even bring Zanza? The very next day, we arrive at the Dalles River. And Xiao gets typhoid. DO YOU THINK THAT WILL STOP ME? ALL I NEED TO DO IS RAFT THIS FUCKER DOWN THE DALLES RIVER AND STRAIGHT INTO WILAMETTE VALLEY! I WILL NOT FAIL!!! The river rafting is the most action packed part of the game (in fact, I've never bothered actually using my ox cart to finish the journey), but it is still incredibly easy. I start doing tricks and showing off. We make it out just fine. Zanza and I have several children. Xiao is rendered a mentally challenged invalid from the ordeal of rafting down a river at high speeds while suffering from typhoid. We all spend so much time partying, that after many years, nobody has actually developed anything in the valley, and we all die. Not a bad result, I must say. Though, still directly underneath my previous attempt! I am not entirely certain why, since that one appears to have a lower score. The score screen is sketching out a bit, however, so it may be a bug. My favorite part is when Xz dies the day before we finish our journey.
Considering that I was the only woman in a wagon with four men, is it really all that surprising that I got exhausted? *eyebrow* Dude, talk about taking the spirit of Let's Play to heart. We play games, so the rest of y'all don't have to.
Very, very entertaining. Nice playing, Grakelin. The references to Dalk Elf's snake had me in tears by the end.
Much to the enragement of my gf, I found myself unable to withold my squeals of laughter from bubbling forth, and angered her quite greatly (she's packing, and is stressed. my laughing didn't help). This was quite excellent, Grakelin. Very nice work.
I deem this not work safe, as it made me look stupid as hell laughing my ass off in the middle of an unusually quiet building. Very entertaining, Grakelin, bra-fuckin'-vo.
1. Damn right they were selfish, littering up nature with their crap, having no regard for the environment. 2. You seem to have missed the point in my article. The ferry guy was one of those who had gone and made something people wanted. We should have paid the five bucks for the ferry. Also, I seem to get bitten by a lot of snakes, without seeeing it in the game log...
