That's bullshit. The best sex I ever had was with my right hand. And you know why? Because my right hand knows what I like best. It knows all the right moves and it knows how to move at the perfect rhythm. It knows when it has to stroke gently and it knows when it has to stroke really hard and fast. My right hand is a pure sex goddess, a pornstar in bed and a slut in the bathtub. Plus: my right hand really looks good when it is covered with my cum. I tell you: my girlfriend could learn a lesson or two from my right hand. In fact: my left hand isn't exactly bad either, although that hand is much more of a cock teaser. It rarely finishes the job.
Floyd, this is a joyous topic, and you're defiling it with mention of your hand. Bad jack-off freak, bad. Fish! Welcome back from the front. War is only a series of catastrophes that culminates in victory. Or defeat. Or a draw. But however it ends up resolving itself, I'm glad you're not there to see it.