Every RPG ever made

I just though I'd share this with you...

Hero: Excuse me sir, but I'm looking for a Crystal Pendant. A lady in the last town told me I might be able to find it here.

Old Man: Crystal Pendant? Yes, I know where you can find it, but I'll need a favor in return...

My son is sick, and needs Herbs that only grow on the high plains. Bring me the Herbs, and I'll get you the Pendant.

Oh, and you'll need a Holy Sword to deal with the ghouls who roam the plains. You'll also need Fire Potions to trade with the nomads there, but I know a shortcut to Fire Valley. Hey, you don't get sick going through Time Portals, do you?

Hero: ...
Nevermind. Can I just use your bathroom?

Old man: Sure but you'll need the Bathroom Key. A guard has it, but he doesn't loan it out. He collects Rune Stones though, so maybe you can trade with him. There are plenty of Stones at the top of Eagle Mountain, but a terrible Dragon lives there...

Hero: Kill me now...



Here are some RPG Cliches.

See more cliches at http://project-apollo.net/text/rpg.html

(You don't need to read all of it.)

Cliche #6 Single Parent Rule
RPG characters with two living parents are almost unheard of. As a general rule, male characters will only have a mother, and female characters will only have a father. The missing parent either vanished mysteriously and traumatically several years ago or is never referred to at all. Frequently the main character's surviving parent will also meet an awkward end just after the story begins, thus freeing him of inconvenient filial obligations.

Cliche #7 Some call me... Tim?
Good guys will only have first names, and bad guys will only have last names. Any bad guy who only has a first name will become a good guy at some point in the game. Good guys' last names may be mentioned in the manual but they will never be referred to in the story.

Cliche #10 Luddite Rule (or, George Lucas Rule)
Speaking of which, technology is inherently evil and is the exclusive province of the Bad Guys. They're the ones with the robots, factories, cyberpunk megalopolises and floating battle stations, while the Good Guys live in small villages in peaceful harmony with nature. (Although somehow your guns and/or heavily armed airships are exempted from this.)

Cliche #14 Garrett's Principle
Let's not mince words: you're a thief. You can walk into just about anybody's house like the door wasn't even locked. You just barge right in and start looking for stuff. Anything you can find that's not nailed down is yours to keep. You will often walk into perfect strangers' houses, lift their precious artifacts, and then chat with them like you were old neighbors as you head back out with their family heirlooms under your arm. Unfortunately, this never works in stores.

Cliche #15 Hey, I Know You!
You will accumulate at least three of these obligatory party members:

The spunky princess who is rebelling against her royal parent and is in love with the hero.

The demure, soft-spoken female mage and healing magic specialist who is not only in love with the hero, but is also the last survivor of an ancient race.

The tough-as-nails female warrior who is not in love with the hero (note that this is the only female character in the game who is not in love with the hero and will therefore be indicated as such by having a spectacular scar, a missing eye, cyborg limbs or some other physical deformity.

The achingly beautiful gothy swordsman who is riven by inner tragedy.

The big, tough, angry guy who, deep down, is a total softy.

The hero's best friend, who is actually much cooler than the hero.

The grim, selfish mercenary who over the course of the game learns what it means to really care about other people.

The character who is actually a spy for the bad guys but will instantly switch to your side when you find out about it.

The weird bonus character who requires a bizarre series of side quests to make them effective (with the ultimate result that no player ever uses this character if it can be avoided.)

The nauseatingly cute mascot who is useless in all battles.

Cliche # 16 Hey, I Know You, Too!
You will also confront/be confronted by at least three of these obligatory antagonists:

The amazingly good-looking and amazingly evil long-haired prettyboy who may or may not be the ultimate villain.

The villain's loyal right-hand man, who comes in two versions: humorously incompetent or annoyingly persistent.

The villain's attractive female henchman, who is the strongest and most competent soldier in the army but always lets the party escape because she's, yes, fallen in love with the hero.

Your former ally who supposedly "died" and was forgotten about, until much later in the game when he/she shows up again on the villain's side and full of bitterness.

The irritatingly honorable foe whom you never get to kill because, upon discovering the true nature of his superiors, he either nobly sacrifices himself or joins your party.

The insane clown or jester who will turn out to be surprisingly difficult to subdue.

The mad scientist who likes creating mutated creatures and powerful weapons 'cause it's fun (and also handy if uninvited adventurers show up.)

The adorably cute li'l creature or six year old child who fights you and, inexplicably, kicks your butt time after time.

Cliche #17 Hey, I Know You, Three!
Furthermore, expect to encounter most of the following obligatory non-player chararcters (NPCs):

The townsperson or crewmember who wanders aimlessly in circles and never quite gets where he is going.

Hilariously incompetent or cowardly soldiers.

The NPC who has a crush on another NPC and can't quite work up the nerve to tell him or her, so instead tells every other person who wanders by about it at great length.

A group of small children playing hide-and-seek.

The wise and noble captain/king/high priest.

The wise and noble captain/king/high priest's splutteringly evil second-in-command. Nobody, including the hero, will notice the second's constant, crazed scheming until the moment when he betrays everyone to the forces of badness.

The NPC who is obsessed with his completely mundane job and witters on endlessly about how great it is. He's so thrilled by it that he wants to share it with everyone he sees, so given a quarter of a chance he'll make you do his job for him.

The (adult) NPC who has nothing better to do than play kids' games with passersby.

The group of young women who have formed a scarily obsessive fan club for one of your female party members.

Cliche #19 "Silly Squall, bringing a sword to a gunfight..."
No matter what timeframe the game is set in -- past, present, or future -- the main hero and his antagonist will both use a sword for a weapon. (Therefore, you can identify your antagonist pretty easily right from the start of the game just by looking for the other guy who uses a sword.) These swords will be far more powerful than any gun and often capable of distance attacks.

Cliche #26 Local Control Rule
Although the boss monster terrorizing the first city in the game is less powerful than the non-boss monsters that are only casual nuisances to cities later in the game, nobody from the first city ever thinks of hiring a few mercenaries from the later cities to kill the monster.

Cliche #27 Nostradamus Rule
All legends are 100% accurate. All rumors are entirely factual. All prophecies will come true, and not just someday but almost immediately.

Cliche #30 Selective Paralysis
Your characters must always keep both feet on the ground and will be unable to climb over low rock ledges, railings, chairs, cats, slightly differently-colored ground, or any other trivial objects which may happen to be in their way. Note that this condition will not prevent your characters from jumping from railroad car to railroad car later in the game.

Cliche #40 Zelda's Axiom
Whenever somebody tells you about "the five ancient talismans" or "the nine legendary crystals" or whatever, you can be quite confident that Saving the World will require you to go out and find every last one of them.

Cliche #44 Not Invented Here
Trade of technology will not exist. One place in the world will have all the techno-gadgets while all the others will be harvesting dirt.

We Had To Destroy The Village In Order To, Well, You Know The Rest (Selene Rule)
No matter what happens, never call on the government, the church, or any other massive controlling authority for help. They'll just send a brigade of soldiers to burn your entire village to the ground.

Cliche #50 Short Attention Span Principle
All bookshelves contain exactly one book, which only has enough text on it to fill up half a page.

Houdini's Postulate
Anyone, whether they are in the player's party or not, who is placed in any kind of prison, fortress, cell, or detention block will escape immediately. Party members will be freed either by a small child they just happened to befriend earlier in the day or by an unexpected disaster that overcomes the enemy base, NPCs will be freed by the released party members, and villains will break out all by themselves because they're such badasses. Once a person has escaped from jail, no attempt will be made by the police to recapture them in the future.

But They Don't Take American ExpressEvery merchant in the world -- even those living in far-off villages or hidden floating cities cut off from the outside world for centuries, even those who speak different languages or are of an entirely different species -- accepts the same currency.

Cliche #62 Thousand Year Rule
The Ancient Evil returns to savage the land every thousand years on the dot, and the last time it showed up was just about 999.9875 years ago. Despite their best efforts, heroes of the past were never able to do more than seal the Evil away again for the future to deal with (which brings up the question of just how exactly does this "sealing away" work anyway, but never mind.) The good news is that this time, the Evil will get destroyed permanently. The bad news is that you're the one who's going to have to do it.

Cliche #75 If You Meet The Buddha In A Random Encounter, Kill Him!
When you're out wandering around the world, you must kill everything you meet. People, animals, plants, insects, fire hydrants, small cottages, anything and everything is just plain out to get you. It may be because of your rampant kleptomania (see Garrett's Principle.)

Cliche #106 Law of Traps
No matter how obvious the trap, you can't complete the game unless you fall into it.

Cliche #159 Bad is Good, Baby!
The heroes can always count on the support of good-hearted vampires, dragons, thieves, demons, and chainsaw murderers in their quest to save the world from evil. And on the other hand...

Cliche #160 Good is Bad, Baby!
Watch out for generous priests, loyal military officers, and basically anyone in a position of authority who agrees to help you out, especially if they save your life and prove their sincerity innumerable times -- they're usually plotting your demise in secret (at least when they can fit it into their busy schedule of betraying their country, sponsoring international terrorism, and stealing candy from small children) and will stab you in the back at the most inconvenient moment.

Cliche #170 Luke, I Am Your Tedious, Overused Plot Device (Lynx Rule)
If there is any chance whatsoever that major villain X could be the male lead's father, then it will turn out that major villain X is the male lead's father.

Cliche #179 The Best-Laid Schemes
The final villain's grand scheme will have involved the deaths of thousands or even millions of innocent people, the clever manipulation of governments, armies, and entire populations, and will have taken anywhere from five to five thousand years to come to fruition. The hero will come up with a method of undoing this plan forever in less than five minutes.

Cliche #184 Adam Smith's Corollary
No matter how thoroughly devastated the continent/planet/universe is, there's always some shopkeeper who survived the end of the world and sits outside the gates of the villain's castle, selling the most powerful equipment in the game, like nothing ever happened.

Cliche #190 Weapon Rule
There's always a hidden creature who is much harder to defeat than even the ultimate bad guy's final, world-annihilating form. It's lucky for all concerned that this hidden creature prefers to stay hidden rather than trying to take over the world himself, because he'd probably win. As a corollary, whatever reward you get for killing the hidden creature is basically worthless because by the time you're powerful enough to defeat him, you don't need it any more.

 

*blink blink*
Well... Now that you've gotten all that off your chest, feel any better?

 

:/ yeah, pretty much... I guess...

 

Ah! Fantastic.

 

Better believe it

 

I love that. It's so hilarious because it's all true. Original RPG's are few and far between these days.

 

lol that iz funnee

 

Dude, spell right.

 

lol

 

193. The shortest distance between two points always passes through a mountain range, an ocean, and an evil empire bent on destruction.

194. (Parental Guidance Clause) Whenever your characters are seduced and/or see naked people, the sun turns off and everything goes black until the event is over.

195. (Lifetream Medicine Theorem)All mental illnesses can be treated by near death experiences and having a loyal female party member dote on you while injured, but only if you're the main character.

196. The female character with the largest breasts has the most powerful melee attack, the one with the smallest is the fastest, and the one who wears an unflattering dress is the cleric.

 

197. Hero always comes into the game right before something very-very bad happens
198. You always have NPC that wants to join you in any case and follows you even if you say him to stop, but he's always too stupid or weak to pick him
199. In the beginnig all the characters (except char. like Virgil) laugh at hero and his "mission", despite the fact it's obvious that hero fits 'phrophesies'
200. There's always a "wise man" living in a hut, which is in deep-deep dark forest, or a "strange mage" living in tower surrounded by hordes of his golems and neutral orcs, to whom you must talk and whose tasks you must complete in the final part of the game (often just before "boss")
201. Although you're well-known hero, the same amount of random dudes attacks you

 

Xenogears

True!

 

lol

 

If you're going to say something, make sure it's important. Retard.
Lol. Lol. Lol. Lol. Lol.

 

Since I don't want to double-post go to http://terra-arcanum.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=12901&start=25 and read my suggestion. If you like it, pass it on.

 

Okay, sure thing.

 

lololol

 

Can't someone just ban him , im pretty sure that all of us here are sick n' tired of "the_sex_boy"s posts

 

Damn. That's bad. You gravedug this. For future reference, this is an example of that which should never be brought up. Let it weasel to the bottom of the page and die out.

 

It's especially bad if you consider the fact that I banned him ten days ago.