Epic Swears for the Fail

I remember watching 2007's Transformers and thinking, "This movie is perfect. There is absolutely nothing in this movie that does not need to be here." Then the Autobots began stooging about in the garden as Sam searched for spectacles in his room as his parents vocalized their suspicions of masturbation. That scene did not break the movie, but it definitely hampered the experience.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is more honest in its presentation as it reveals bits of absurdity early in the film--as opposed to sucking one in with perfect pacing and amazing action and effects only to slouch in the middle of the film in unnecessary slapstick--and continues to have these bits peppered throughout. For instance, the first Autobot to be revealed is an ice cream truck and I thought I had discovered my new favorite character. An ice cream truck is just cheesy enough to be endearing and at this point I commit myself to allow some silliness in this movie. Then the ice cream truck transforms, reveals its personality, and instantly repulses me.

Here I elaborate and spoil: the ice cream truck has an airhead thug quality to its personality and one cannot pull this subculture off effectively without gratuitous swears. Verily, "ass whoopin"s and "bitch"s abound here. And to what end? None! Certainly, the demographic that grew up with Transformers is in its 20s and 30s now and is above the influence of such drivel, but it should have occurred to the writers that some of those 20- and 30-somethings have knocked somebody up since their childhood and might want to share the Transformers with their spawn. Some of this subset of 20- and 30-somethings might even be responsible enough to not want to share this particular gratuitous flavor of swearing Transformers. Such does not describe my history, but it partly describes my situation. It would not be so bad if the swearing were confined to the moronic thug character, but it seems like all of the Transformers--good and bad--have acquired this necessary "edge" since 2007. (I'm not entirely sure, but I think Bumblebee calls Sam an asshole within the first 20 minutes of the film. Listen for it.) By the end of the movie, I would have preferred that there were more drug references (of which there is one) and fewer swears; at least the drug references might be over the heads of and missed by the younger generation.

My lesser gripes about the movie include when it shifts from an action film to and adventure film. The action was violent and brutal, which in my opinion isn't a bad thing as this brutality is exchanged among robots and not extended to people, but at some point in the movie we are given some obscure lore and an artifact and required to make sense of them both. Leave that nonesense with Indiana Jones. At about the same time, my second lesser gripe surfaces, and that's how Shia LaBeouf's DUI-damaged hand is incorporated into the film as seamlessly as a Cesarean. Apparently the Half-Blood Prince syphoned all of the Hollywood magic out of Hollywood leaving only gauze.

The movie got more than one thing right, though. I enjoyed the scene from the previous movie where Sam sasses the jock. LaBeouf nails these smart ass moments so well that I'd like to see more of them, but not to the obnoxious extent that Ryan Reynolds does in his action flick roles. In Revenge of the Fallen, Sam griefs a mark more deserving than a jock, a frat boy, and it is just as satisfying if all too brief.

What I appreciate most about the film are its dramatic moments. Seriously, I didn't expect it either. From her role in the last Transformers movie I am left with an impression of Megan Fox as a tough girl who would eat me alive as willingly as greet me, but there were scenes in Revenge of the Fallen in which my heart actually went out to Mikaela. In other scenes, I could see how strongly Mikaela loved Sam and frankly, LaBeouf did not pull off the reciprocation. There was even a scene between Sam and Father where I felt genuine compassion between the characters.

Of particular interest to this community should be the mention of a steampunk Transformer and what amounts to probably about 40 frames of exposure to it.

I have nothing against the Transformers in general, but growing up I was not a Transformers fan, so seeing the Transformers on the silver screen is not going to resonate with me as it will with others who might be more forgiving. I'm a harsh critic anyway. Also, I have nothing against swearing and I hope that my presence here at The House betrays how much I actually enjoy swearing. However, I try to put swears to good use as opposed to merely spraying them gratuitously for effect and furthermore, I am not a family film. I actually enjoy nonhuman characters and look forward to the entertaining qualities that can be instilled in cartoons, animals, and robots, but the Transformers are generic at best and obnoxious at worst. I ended up shifting my allegiance from the goofy ice cream truck to the Autobots who didn't utter a word over the course of the film.

Don't see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, if only for spite.

 

Do you have a blog somewhere that you reposted this from?

At any rate, I too, have heard generally negative things from other people regarding this movie as well. Your mention of the silliness and genre vagueness are the same things I had heard as well.

 

You do know that both the movies can be compared to crap?

The only time the first movie is good, is when there are robots on the screen, and in the second one they fail to often at that too.

 

I remember way back to the original animated Transformers movie - bumblebee yelled "Shit!" when Unicron was attacking Moon Base 1. So maybe swearing is as inherent to sentient robot life as it is to human life?

Regardless when watching any Michael Bay film one has to remember to turn his or her mind off and just watch all the pretty colors. Only then can you actually enjoy his films.

 

I don't want to nitpick, but they were stationed on Moon Base 2. Also, the one who said "Oh Shit" was Spike.

Indeed. It was Ultra Magnus who said "God Damnit".

PS: I think I better stick to the comics and the cartoons, because I did not like those movies. Except the Transformers the Movie 1986 that was good.

 

Ahhh.. its been about 3 yrs since I last saw the movie was going off what I remembered and apparently my memory = fail.

 

It was crude, dizzying and entirely too long. It had its moments though, and because I was deliriously tired when I went to see it I laughed through the entire second half of the movie.

On a side note, Megan Fox overdid the 'lusty' look, always looking like she was about to pounce on and copulate with someone. Also, she seemed always to be wearing a fresh coat of lip gloss, even while traipsing about in the Egyptian desert. Curious.

 

That happens with almost every woman in Hollywood. What got me recently was in Transporter 3. (I love those films, I love Jason Statham, he's hot, I'm pathetic, moving on.) This Ukranian chick is high, drunk, has been beaten up and just had sex and still, not a hair out of place and not a smudge of the lip gloss. Good GOD, that pissed me right fucking off.

And when she finally does look like a mess, it's just a little running mascara as she weeps so poignantly for a man she's known for less than 24 hours and who she hated until she got high and horny. Fuck you Hollywood, there are film genres that do NOT need romantic subplots and hardcore action films are on that list!

/Xiao Rant Mode

 

No friend, this is it. I couldn't help but share my views and warn others.

I found the first movie to be excellently done with most of the crap dispersed infrequently enough to be forgiven. The exception to this general sentiment is the aforementioned garden scene.

I thought that she overdid the sweet-demeanor-only-to-coerce thing. I'd expect her to kick people in the throat instead. I had trouble reconciling her melodious, dripping sweet voice to the man-eater I tend to imagine she is.

Also a Statham fan, I make it a point to watch his movies. I like all of the movies of his I've seen, but cannot bring myself to declare that they are in fact "good," especially the Transporter series. I resign to the fact that I just like terrible movies.

 

Don't we all? XD

I must have been like 6 or 7 when I watched that :???:

 

I love the transporter series, but it is pretty admittedly terrible. I liked the new Transformer movie, but it is rather terrible for all the reasons that you named, DC. As I've been telling people that saw it, "Don't think about it afterwards, and you'll love it."

 

I love Statham movies, I won't say they're good movies but they're FUN movies.

Ah, I love that film. So many kinds of WTF.

 

'So many kinds of WTF' is the reason why I love Japanese and Korean films. For some reason though, when English-speaking directors do similar things, I feel indifferent.

Next on the list of impending disappointment is Blood: The Last Vampire.

 

The Autobots learned English from radio and television transmissions around Earth. For the movie, they updated it to the Internet.

Nuff said.

 

Don't even joke about that shit! *shudders as she is assaulted by what the Autobots might have turned into had they had access to Rule 34...*

 

Aren't you glad, Xiao_Caity, that they attempted to make it as PG as possible?

 

Indeed, and the Junkions learned their English from commercials and TV spots.

Then Megatron transforms into a flying Dildo?

 

Am I going to regret putting "rule 34" in a search engine?