Breaking News, or a brief but entertaining Arcanum LP

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Dark Elf, Dec 2, 2009.

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  1. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    A scoop to die for!

    While being an awesome game, Arcanum has a number of glaring flaws. The most problematic of them all is the fact that newspapers can't be rolled up and used as melee weapons to swat certain disturbing elements. One such disturbing element is the dwarf we know as Magnus. You haven't truly played Arcanum if you haven't felt the urge to kill him in the most humilating way possible.

    That's what this LP is all about.

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    The title screen. Not much to say about it really. Sure, it's got a cool skull in it with a spider sitting on top of it. But let's move on.

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    There is just something about gnomes that makes me laugh, so let's make our hero one of the wee people. I also give him a fitting name. Unfortunately for us, gnomes in Arcanum do not look like monkeys, neither are they blue, but it will have to do. I want to be able to lug shit around, so let's make our hero a runaway circus performer.

    Perhaps he shaved off the blue fur that made him the main attraction in the circus? We'll never know for sure.

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    Throwing, that's our focus. Let's dedicate everything we get to the fine art of disarming oneself in the most creative ways.

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    The Australians in the audience will be pleased to know that we aided their economy when we bought ourselves a nice little boomerang from the gift shop. Too bad they were out of didgeridoos.

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    LOOK! IT'S VIRGIL!

    Better read that line of dialogue carefully. Can't say I've ever head him say that before.

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    Our gnome quickly goes to work, exterminating local wildlife as is the calling of any responsible garden adornment.

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    This is what happens to Dark Elves who bother a gnome packing an incendiary grenade.

    Notes to self: always kill gnomes from a safe distance.

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    Having cleared warehouses of rats, handed back gold rings to fumbling drunkards and introduced steam engines to some aptly placed explosives, our hero has become a force to be reckoned with!

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    We buy newspapers. Lots of newspapers. An ungodly bunch of newspapers. Clearly, Arcanum takes place in a setting where nobody gives a fuck about how many acres of woodlands need to be cleared to produce that goddamn piece of paper you stare at blankly every morning while having breakfast and secretly wishing all your colleagues at work to die an excruciating death.

    Apart from imparting mass hysteria in a poorly educated segments of the population, newspapers do have a secondary use. You'll soon see.

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    We have ourselves a little chat with Magnus. Things quickly go down south.

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    I R BUTTHURT!!!!

    Bitch is asking for it.

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    We produce one of our newspapers from our impressive stash. Perhaps reading about important world events, such as Jennifer Aniston's cleavage, will calm him down?

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    Fuck all that, let's kill him instead. TAKE AIM!

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    The sports section hits him in the groin, inflicting grievous pain.

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    BAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

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    We keep on throwing, hoping that the paper cuts will reach a critical mass and have him implode.

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    We quickly run out of ammunition however...

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    Fuck, we're spent!

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    Magnus stares at us smugly, smelling printer's ink all over.

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    We run circles around the runt, picking up newspapers as we go. Might be fined for littering otherwise.

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    Standing on a pile of newspapers fifteen feet high, we enjoy the view.

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    Mwoahahaha! The ammo clip is full again. Take that, you manicured city dwarf!

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    Our inventory restocked, we fight on valiantly. However, we are promptly reminded of the lack of stamina possessed by the gnomish race.

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    Magnus kicks us senseless. We didn't read our Art of War and entered the battlefield unprepared.

    Just you wait Magnus, revenge will come!


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    We reload, and cunningly fill our inventory with fatigue potions.

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    Magnus is as butthurt and smug as ever. He thinks he'll win this time around too.

    We'll see about that.

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    Blablablabla.

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    I only buy newspapers printed with armour piercing ink.

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    Something is wrong. Magnus just refused to go down, despite our valiant efforts. We pick up all the newspapers again and check what's wrong.

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    Apparently, I've been attacking a newspaper instead of Magnus. Poor thing. Friendly fire is such a n00by thing to do.

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    We try to keep ourselves more mobile, making it easier to aim at Magnus instead of innocent editorials. Magnus has suffered a whole barrage of paper cuts, and will soon join up with Alberich in the great sauna club in heaven, or wherever dwarves go when they die.

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    The Grim Reaper approaches, Magnus!

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    Coward dodges the killing blow. Way to postpone the inevitable. I have other things to do, damnit!

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    Enraged, we throw an obituary in his face. Fucker finally goes down.


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    Triumphant, we stand on the mutilated corpse of our nemesis.

    Never underestimate the power of the free press!
     
  2. rroyo

    rroyo Active Member

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    Bravo! Bravo!

    I love it. :thumbup:
     
  3. Muro

    Muro Well-Known Member

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    In order to describe my impressions I would have to perform :rolling on the floor laughing: and :standing ovation: at the very same time. Sure, I would have to break a law of physics or two to do so, but this surely deserved it.
     
  4. Xiao_Caity

    Xiao_Caity New Member

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    *lunatic cackling*

    Nicely done, DE, nicely done. I bow to the master.
     
  5. GrimmHatter

    GrimmHatter Active Member

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    I like how you teabagged him at the end, just for good measure.
     
  6. papa_dog_1999

    papa_dog_1999 Well-Known Member

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    Very nice.
    Now go take out Geoffrey Tarellond-Ashe with tech manuals. The snobby little git.
     
  7. Xiao_Caity

    Xiao_Caity New Member

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    Seconded! Man, tech manuals to the back of the head, that's an embarassing way for a mage to die.
     
  8. Archmage Orintil

    Archmage Orintil New Member

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  9. Zoya

    Zoya New Member

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    Nicely done, however, two dynamites - one on the left, one on the right - would be much more fun. You could even entertain some kids at the same time. They love fireworks. At least I do... except for the bloody stains they leave on my Sunday's Best ;(
     
  10. Philes

    Philes Well-Known Member

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    Well done sir. You briefly warmed the space in my chest cavity that I'm told contains my heart.
     
  11. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    I'll consider it. :-D

    It will be a quicker fight too. Not just because Geoffrey is scrawnier than Magnus, but thrown items inflict damage based on their weight, and tech manuals are rather heavy, aren't they?
     
  12. Viktor_Berg

    Viktor_Berg New Member

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    200 stones per tome, so 10x the weight of newspapers. Knowledge hurts.
     
  13. Mesteut

    Mesteut New Member

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    This reminded me of the time when Naughty Dog ran around with a halfling using the huge rocks in Ashbury to kill people.
     
  14. Muro

    Muro Well-Known Member

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    Use schematics instead. That should prove challenging.
     
  15. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    Heh, it sure would.

    While we're at it, I wonder if it's feasible to kill Kerghan with newspapers? After all, Kerghan isn't much of a heavy hitter, so it's more a question of bringing enough curative potions, boil a pot of coffee and spend an afternoon wearing down his ungodly pool of hit points.
     
  16. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    Very entertaining. I think I'll go after Magnus with a bunch of containers of Doolittle's glyceride. But first, I'll apply it to him...a man that perturbed is bound to have ashy elbows.
    The rocks in Ashbury are really fun, though. I killed most of the town with the biggest stone before succumbing to fatigue. I was playing a half-orc barbarian, and didn't think about getting fatigue potions.
     
  17. papa_dog_1999

    papa_dog_1999 Well-Known Member

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    So, how much damage do those boulders do?
    Is it a one hit kill for the common man?
     
  18. Grakelin

    Grakelin New Member

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    In other words, how much damage would a boulder do to mages if a boulder did damage to mages?
     
  19. Muro

    Muro Well-Known Member

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    I was curious myself, so I decided to check it out.

    Created a character with 20/20 throwing + throwing mastery and 20 points in strength and armed him with the 5000 stone boulder.
    Appeared next to the-only-elf-on-Thanatos. Quicksaved, thrown the boulder, noted the damage, quickloaded and so on until the results for 20 throws were gathered.

    And the results: two of the throws were obvious criticals, since they were a one hit kill (whoa!). The arithmetic mean of damage of the remaining 18 throws was 42,(6)% of his health, standard deviation = 8,49%. Holy fuckin' wow, if you'd ask me.
     
  20. Viktor_Berg

    Viktor_Berg New Member

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    I had estimated an Arcanum stone to be around 20-25 grams (which would make a bottle of wine to be around 400-500 gram). So, a 5000 stone stone would weigh 100-125 kg. A pretty damn lot, if I may note.
     
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