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Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Jungle Japes, Oct 2, 2011.

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  1. Jungle Japes

    Jungle Japes Well-Known Member

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    About a third of the way through this deployment. I'm sure you'd love to hear ALL about this gem of the Middle East known as Afghanistan, from its scenic vistas to its charming and highly civilized indigenous people groups. Unfortunately I've got a war to fight, so you'll just have to wait till I publish my memoirs (which, I'm afraid, I have no intention of writing). In the mean time, perhaps you will be satisfied with this short tale of high adventure in the War on Terror:

    Last night I was out on the flight line doing some maintenance work by the light of a headlamp. The tail wheel lock pin actuator on my UH-60L Blackhawk helicopter was malfunctioning, and it was discovered that said actuator had been installed upside down. OOPS! Looks like someone didn't look at the diagram in the technical manual! My fellow crew chief and I, equipped with tool bags and know-how, sat down next to the tail wheel and set about to rectify the botched actuator installation. We were soon joined by a lieutenant who took a seat and watched us work our wrench-fu.
    It was then, while we were thus arrayed seated on the ground, that I felt something tickle the back of my head. I swiped a hand at the spot, but didn't feel anything back there. Thinking someone must be fucking with me, I whipped around and saw... no one. Moments later, I felt the tickling sensation again. I made a sort of strangled shriek and swiped at it again. This time, my hand contacted something cool and soft. The lieutenant laughed and asked why I was screaming like a bitch. That's when my fellow crew chief shouted a warning and pointed out the large camel spider that was at that moment making a bee line for the LT. Leaping to his feet with a very bitch-like squeal, he began stomping at the offending solifuge. After about ten stomps and a couple more squeals, the beast lay partially crushed and twitching on the ground. Feeling violated and in need of vindication, I pulled a hammer out of my tool bag and applied a liberal amount of obliteration to the dying creature, sending legs and spider-juice flying in all directions. The entire experience left me with a serious case of the willies.
     
  2. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    They are indeed the freakiest things in the desert, unless you're taking into account soldiers who like a little S&M when they get home.
    Apparently they're scarier during the day; they love shade, and will chase you to hide in your shadow. If you trip while running, they'll use your body as a shelter and try to get beneath you.
     
  3. Jojobobo

    Jojobobo Well-Known Member

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    I just googled them and holy crap they're enormous! I think having one of them on you would give anyone a case of the willies.
     
  4. Jungle Japes

    Jungle Japes Well-Known Member

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    The one I encountered last night was about 2.5 or 3 inches long, the biggest one I've seen so far. Now is the time of year when they start showing their ugly faces more often; it's not hibernation time yet, but it's cool enough at night that they will be lured in to warm places. Like tents, vehicles, sleeping bags, etc. This one was probably thinking my hair would make a great nest.
     
  5. Zanza

    Zanza Well-Known Member

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    I knew a girl like that once.
     
  6. Grakelin

    Grakelin New Member

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    I'm impressed you guys managed to kill it so easily.
     
  7. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    Hey, our government spends good money to teach soldiers how to kill ugly arachnids that live purely in the moment. That same money goes toward encouraging officers to scream effeminately in tales recounted of killing said windscorpions.
     
  8. Grakelin

    Grakelin New Member

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    Camel Spiders are better armoured than the usual enemy, though.
     
  9. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    The armor is meant to keep in water, not to keep out the crushing forces of a boot and a hammer.
     
  10. Grakelin

    Grakelin New Member

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  11. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    I don't want to sound ignorant, but I don't know how the title of the thread relates to its contents. Probably just over thinking it, but it looks like it's about killing camel spiders. He said he's a third of the way through his deployment. 4 of 8 is half. Now, given the title, I don't know why he'd limit himself to just 8 dead sun spiders, unless he's halfway toward committing genocide on the things, and is just waiting for 4 more to piss him off. Or, perhaps this is the fourth officer he's seen scared shitless after being attacked by a camel spider, and only requires four more to decide exactly how few fucks to give. Zero, I'm guessing.
    Don't misunderstand, I like the relation of events. It involves screaming, helicopter maintenance, and a hammer.
     
  12. Muro

    Muro Well-Known Member

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    Japes went away for twelve months. Four months (one third of those twelve) are behind him, eight more left to go.

    Also, I feel like contributing some spiders.

    [​IMG]
     
  13. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    Yep, I thought I misread something. My reading comprehension's been pretty sucky as of late. I'd blame it on a lack of sleep, but I'm not really sure I fall into that category. Where do you lie when you're awake for more than 24 hours and sleep for at least 12?
     
  14. wayne-scales

    wayne-scales Well-Known Member

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    By the looks of things, early primary school. Or is it late? I can't remember when one learns fractions.
     
  15. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    That sounds like a personal problem, Wayne, and I can't help you there. Still, I'm touched that you felt it necessary to admit to a fault in your own memory. Now, I don't want you to feel self conscious, but it might have something to do with your huge penis. I fear that constantly using it is causing blackouts, with an erection lasting just a few minutes subsequently starving your brain of oxygen, killing brain cells and additionally causing memory loss. It's true, people can get an extra thrill by keeping oxygenated blood from entering the brain, but I think far too many good people died that way. Plus, with the sheer diameter of your asshole from so much auto-sexuality, your ability to withhold BM from your pants may slip away faster than even you might realize. Think of what happened to David Carradine, and go see a doctor.
     
  16. Smuelissim0

    Smuelissim0 New Member

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    Jesus, do you think we could have one thread where we don't end up discussing Wayne's penis?
     
  17. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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  18. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    I already said I'm not god.
     
  19. Grakelin

    Grakelin New Member

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    Are you trying to imply that Jesus was not God?
     
  20. magikot

    magikot Well-Known Member

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    Given Jesus said he wasnt Yhwh, yes.
     
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