Daily vitctim

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Qilikatal, Feb 22, 2003.

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  1. Qilikatal

    Qilikatal New Member

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  2. Settler

    Settler Member

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    Yeah, the Daily Victims are great, best thing on Gamespy...I gave them a look a few months ago, been checking back ever since... :grin:

    My favourite story arcs are the Online Wedding/Playerkiller one and the Warcraft 3/Pansy Elf one...brilliant :D
     
  3. Jarinor

    Jarinor New Member

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    I've only read one, and that was the one on Majestic, but it was absolutely brilliant.
     
  4. Snowmane

    Snowmane New Member

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    I agree- I was laughing my ass off. That was hilarious. The one about online weddings was pretty funny too.

    I was laughing so hard when I read that. I can picture that scene- and the look of horror on the one guy's face as he realised what was happening.
     
  5. xento

    xento New Member

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    That is AWESOME! I play Sim City often, and I can easily imagine that! Oh, those guys are brilliant, just as everyone said! Go Gamespy! Maybe they are not quite so bad after all....
     
  6. Qilikatal

    Qilikatal New Member

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    Myself i think the funniest moment must have been when those twinkers are gathered and they are introduced to the "administrator". You may refer to me as the "Administrator" and i want you to crush the damned unix server administrator. If you know the story before this you will laught you arse of.
     
  7. Maniac

    Maniac New Member

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    Being the maniac that I am I found those two about obscene Sim City 4 city names hillarious :lol:
     
  8. xento

    xento New Member

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    Two? I only saw one! :???:

    BTW, today's, about the cat and sonic, was GREAT! :D
     
  9. Maniac

    Maniac New Member

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    There's a second one with the dude posting in technical support forums for help with the obscenely named cities...

    "...I posted pics of My Anus yesterday but for some reason they were deleted. Anyways....today I need help with another issue...will post a pic of A Sex Orgy later." or something like that :lol:
     
  10. Drugar

    Drugar New Member

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    The Sequal:

    Last week I complained about your obscene SimCity town names, such as the busy residential town of “a sex orgy� and the bustling metropolis that is “My Anus.� But now things have gone too far.

    I was trying to get help on the SimCity technical support forum with city connections on our regional map, but they threatened to delete my forum account. “What are you talking about!?� I said in an angry email. “All I did was post pictures of my anus to your forums!�

    But my anus wasn’t the only source of difficulty. I was also having problems getting power to “your ballsack,� to uplift its sagging economy. “Look,� I argued on the forum. “Let’s just lay off my anus for a second. I posted those pictures of a sex orgy so we can have a candid discussion about problems I’m having with your ballsack.�

    That got me banned completely.

    Now, my cities are all in shambles and I can’t get ANY technical support. I got crime up the wazoo in my anus, a sex orgy that’s going nowhere, and your ballsack is a complete wreck. Next time, I’m naming the towns, dig?


    I know a certain Troll who really liked this particular one... :grin:
    Anyway, have a look at the "Joke" thread. Posted one of my favorites there...
     
  11. xento

    xento New Member

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    :lol: Thanks! I didn't read that one before now.
     
  12. Drugar

    Drugar New Member

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    After i read the last few, I started back at no1.
    Been reading a few every day now, they're hilarious!
    Is it considered Spam to post some more precious highlights?
     
  13. Qilikatal

    Qilikatal New Member

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    Nahhhh this board have been too dead for too long now, just post.
     
  14. Drugar

    Drugar New Member

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    Alrighty then!

    YOU UNDERSTAND, I LOST MY PANTS ON A WORMS ARMAGEDDON BET. IT WAS FOOLISH, BUT I HAD THE SHEEP, AND THOUGHT I COULD DO NO WRONG.

    Mr. Bartleby, Mr. Bartleby, please, please calm down. We can't talk about this rationally when you're clearly so visibly upset. Please, have a seat. Have some water. Oh no, I'm afraid I can't sit down, the hot leather upholstery will stick to my legs.
    Again, I'm very sorry for presenting my proposal to the board of directors in my smiley-face boxer shorts. Allow me to explain! Please put yourself in my shoes (also, for the moment, temporarily missing.) Ahem.

    This morning was a beautiful day, crisp and clear, the kind of day where the mountains stood stark on the horizon with bleached white tips protruding into a clear deep blue sky. I had all the windows down in my car as I drove in. Confidence was high. I felt good, sir. I felt the wind in what's left of my hair and my soul was warmed with the confidence that all of mother nature was with me.

    As I arrived in the office I found that, in honor of this afternoon's meeting, we had splurged on gourmet coffee. I had not two but three cups -- the murky bitterness tinged with sweet syrup, combined with my elated mood, it was just too much. I soon established what you might call a "buzz." After supplementing my beverages with a rich creamy cheese danish, I passed beyond "buzz" and entered into what you might call a caffeine and sugar "high."

    I opened all the blinds in my office and flooded it with warm sunshine. Soon the temperature rose and I opened the window, inviting within a fresh cool breeze. I was in love with the world, and the world loved me. I had found a humble, shimmering bubble of paradise on Earth.

    So when Johnstone challenged me to a quick game of Worms Armageddon before the board meeting, I accepted immediately, rife with the prospect of assured victory!

    It was a four-on-four worm deathmatch, sir, with a 30 second time limit per move. My position started off the worse and I was immediately napalmed into a small gorge. But sir, I'm a fighter, and charged with the energies of coffee and sunlight I fired off a bazooka shot that decimated one of his worms and sent it into the drink with one hit.

    I won't bore you with the details -- the battle was grim, and only my morning's elation held the shadowy specter of defeat at bay. Then as zero hour approached, a spectacular grapple maneuver allowed me to grab a secret resupply crate and safely ensconce myself beneath a small ridge in one move. It was ballsy, but at the end of it, each of us had two worms left ... but only I possessed THE SUPER SHEEP.

    At this point, his two weakened worms were sitting right next to each other, and mine were on opposite ends of the board. He pulled out a homing missile and I laughed joyously. I knew that even though he could easily kill either one of my worms, the remaining worm would OBLITERATE him with the super sheep, as inalienably as the sun always sets. "Do all you can, Johnstone," I boasted, then spat out those fateful words: "you cannot possibly defeat me."

    Sir, you understand, whilst I uttered those words at Johnstone, it was FATE ITSELF that I taunted! I rue the day!

    Johnstone asked if I wanted to wager on that. Of course I wanted to. He promised to give me his beloved Dilbert Coffee mug if he won, but in return, I wagered him ...my pants.

    With ease he dispatched of one of my worms. The impetus was all mine. I withdrew ... the sheep. My blood tingled with adrenaline when I heard him cry out in anguish, beholding the sacred vision of my wooly redeemer! "Prepare ... to die ... Johnstone!" I cackled, letting the animal loose. It hopped over a ridge and burst into the air, his mighty red cape shimmering as he flew...

    Suddenly, a shadow passed over my face -- a stray cloud had blotted out my perfect sun! Horrified, I glanced over, just in time to see that a window cleaner was standing on my balcony. At that very moment he sprayed my face with cleaning solution, not realizing that I'd opened my window! I cried out in pain!

    But I was still in control of my sheep, and frantically I hit my arrow keys with a quivering hand, directing the sheep toward his egregious destiny. Then, as the window cleaner thrust himself through my window to make sure I was all right, he bumped the recline controls on my office chair, hurtling me forward and onto the floor. But my burning, tortured eyeballs never glimpsed away from my flying sheep! My quivering, tormented hand never left the keyboard! I ... was ... determined! The sheep swooped! He soared! He flipped! He whooshed! And ... HE SLAMMED DIRECTLY INTO MY TARGET!

    Both of Johnstone's hated worms flipped into the air, screaming. One was dead even before he hit the drink. The other ... the other worm ... Oh God the other worm! He hurtled through the air and landed next to mine, with a mere 2 hit points left. Johnstone had survived! With supreme horror I watched as he pulled out a baseball bat and finished the job. I had lost. I had lost. Lost my dignity. Lost my paradise on earth. Lost ... my pants.

    So there you have it. Sorry about the meeting.



    And the Sequel:


    THERE'S A PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE BUSINESS REASON I STORMED INTO THE QUARTERLY FISCAL REVIEW HALF-NAKED AND REEKING OF ALCOHOL


    Mr. Bartleby, Mr. Bartleby, please put down the phone! And ... the golf putter. Hold on, hold on, I can explain! I understand you were upset with me after that terrible game of Worms Armageddon left me without pants in front of the Board of Directors. It was an embarrassing time for us all, especially Stinky, my favorite worm, the one who was demolished by the baseball bat.
    And, I can understand your frustration in the fact that barely a week later I barged into the most important financial meeting of the quarter half-naked and drenched with liquir, although I have a perfectly valid reason for it.

    If you could only understand how badly my week has gone! Monday as you know you demoted me and made me move to the little corner cubicle in the lower floor, the one where the sun shines on my monitor all day and the fluorescent lights blink intermittently all night.

    Not a single employee has survived the dreaded "pit" for more than a week. (Like Tim, who evidently disappeared into his office chair.) The detritus of over six recent victims of unexpected medical leave were littered about the place when I tried to move in. There was a brownish syrupy substance on the desk and some sort of green putty -- I theorize either Play-Doh or wasabi -- caked onto the earpiece of the phone. I also found a sock.

    My only hope was to clean and disinfect the place, both physically and spiritually. I played smooth jazz. I burned incense. I also got a whole half-gallon of that industrial strength cleaning detergent and I scrubbed the desk down with sandpaper. And that, Mr. Bartleby, was the root of the problem!

    I use one of those 3M Precision Mousing Surfaces for my mousepad, and it's important that that sucker be firmly rooted onto a desk. Because if it slides around it'll mess up my aim the next time I play Worms Armageddon against Johnstone, who recently wagered me his entire cubicle. Well, after I had cleaned and sanded my desk, it was completely friction-less. I stood on top of it to hang up my Enya poster and was sent flying into my potted plant!

    So I borrowed a can of that Spray Fixadent from Carlisle, you know, that spray-sticky-stuff. I sprayed it all over my mousepad and desk. I guess I got a little carried away. It got everywhere. I sat down at my desk and slid my chair forward, then realized that my hand was stuck to my mouse. Permanently! My mousepad was stuck to my shirt sleeve. Then, when I tried to back away from my desk and call for help, I discovered that I'd sprayed all over my pants -- they were stuck to the underside of the desk, and with a loud tearing noise like the crackle of thunder they were ripped off of my very legs!

    The only way to escape my office chair was to unbuckle my belt, take off my shoes, and crawl frantically away. I accidentally stuck my hand in the potted plant and it was covered with dirt. Trailing a long trail of debris as well as my mouse and cord, I made my way frantically to the kitchen to undo the horror that was the spray fixadent.

    I scrubbed myself with a mixture of Comet, dish soap, and vodka. Well, the Vodka was Johnstone's idea. Except, when I put the bottle in my hand, it was stuck there. So the only way to cover my hand with vodka was to shake the bottle vigorously until vodka was everywhere. There was a trail of it all over the kitchen.

    Suddenly, to my horror, the vodka on the counter all over the hot coffee machine burst into flames. A trail of fire screamed across the floor toward me! I had to run, Mr. Bartleby! I HAD TO FLEE FOR MY VERY LIFE!

    Sorry about the meeting.


    Now....what're your favorites?
     
  15. Settler

    Settler Member

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    All of the Battlefield-Jeep-Dropping ones...

    "Playing Battlefield 1942 with you is like playing Carmageddon" is the first one, and there's links around to the others. Enjoy!
     
  16. gamenut

    gamenut New Member

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