VFX:R Wonderboy vs Jonathon Goldsmith

Ladies and gentlemen! I say: AAARE YOUUU READYYY!?!

The grand stage of the VFX arena erupts into an orgie of fireworks, acrobatic performances and acrobats on fire. A spotlight is lit on the evalved centerpiece, bathing the VFX crew in light and attention. Dropkick McMurphy greets the audience with his fist raised into the air, and the roar of the audience is so loud that small insects in and around the arena explode in midair due to extreme sonic shock.

Howdie veiwers and listeners on the VFX! It's time once again to let unparalelled violence get the better of us, and what better way to do it than to let somebody else do it for us? Becuse, people, have we got a show for you tonight!

Tell you what, rev, I'm so excited right now that not even a frontrow ticket to a fight between Norris and mister T could make miss this here event!

Say Hallelujah, son! I've pre-

Haleleluja!

...What?

*sigh* Very nice, Natacha.

Tank you, meester Muzashi!

Anyway! Time to introduce the fighters! First up is the man with the power to move you, ladies and gentlemen! He's no other than Wonderboooy! Yeah! And facing him tonight is mister Interesting himself, a man so... well, interesting that he's even allowed to touch the art in museums, Jonathooon Goooldsmith! I say! Can I get an Amen?

A-

Not you, Natacha.

Oh.

And so let us move on to tonight arena:

THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA


Stretching from Shanhaiguan in the east to Lop Nur in the west, a distance of roughly 8000 km, this piece of architecture is one of the biggest thing mankind has ever made. It has been declared one of the seven wonders, it's been added to UNESCOs world-heritage list and it's one of the few buildings that can be seen from space. All in all, this is a monument to the greatness of the chinese Ming dynasty, and proof to all of the unbelievers out there that, if you want to get the job done, you use slave labour. Now, as if things already weren't enough interesting with all that space to fight onas well as ancient invaluable architecture to destroy, we've hidden secret surprises in each and every guard tower slong the way, items that should give this fight that little extra oompf.

So, without further delay, let's start the show right up! Fighters, prepare yourselves! LET! THERE! BE! BLOOD! BEGIN!

(You have until late Thursday. Make me proud.)

 

Poor Wonderboy. He should have been a little bit more perceptive. If he had, he might have noticed that the rampart statue of the bearded warrior he was standing in front of was, in fact, simply the Most Interesting Man in the World finishing his meditations.

"My friend," Mr. Goldsmith said, his vaguely Latin American accent pulsating along this section of wall. "I have been watching you for some time, and here is what I think about eating too much: good food should be like a woman's love: it is fun to partake, but consume too much and your heart will burn."

Goldsmith stepped leisurely off of the rampart. He had eschewed his usual suit and tie for seventeenth century Ming Dynasty formal attire. Two swords hung at his belt.

"I hope you do not feel as though I tried to deceive you with my friend over there," The Most Interesting Man in the World continued. "He is simply a fan of mine. I always tell these people not to follow me into dangerous situations, especially when they look just like me, but my ability to sway the minds of the zealous only goes so far. Here, have a sword."

Goldsmith drew both weapons from his belt and tossed one to Wonderboy. Then, he flexed himself into a combat stance.

"I will let you make the first move, friend. Show me your finest fighting ability."

 

"That's how it's going to be, is it?" Goldsmith said, tossing his sword aside and grabbing a guitar tossed by an anonymous third party somewhere out of view of the camera. "I accept your challenge."

And so he began to play. Sweet, beautiful music. The women of China swooned as one. Hearts began to melt, causing casualties around the immediate vicinity of the Great Wall.

"When you play music," The Most Interesting Man in the World said. "You must do so from the very deepest portion of your soul. You must let the music speak to you."

Suddenly, Goldsmith's fingers blazed into a frenzy, playing chords and strumming strings, rocking out and causing the men of China to headbang as one, causing a severe neck injury epidemic. Goldsmith knew what he had to do, he knew he had to bring joy to the lives of the impoverished people of China. Subsistence farmers and menial labourers alike gathered around the Wall to see and hear these two musicians play their heart and soul and every fibre of emotion in a chorus which would ring across all of Asia.

"Let us play, friend Wonderboy," Goldsmith said. "Let us make this world one we all want to live in!"

All across the nation, all across the continent, all across the world, people stepped out of their homes, lighters in hand, to stand in awe before this duo of legendary musicians. For a moment, the whole world was in peace, as soldiers stopped their fighting and stood side by side as brothers, joined together by their sharing of pure emotion and power.

The Earth would never again see a day as beautiful as that one.

 

Goldsmith stepped out of the guitar's path just in time. This Wonderboy had just ruined a good thing. A great thing. The Most Interesting Man in the World could not abide by this. He dropped his guitar and drew a set of nun-chucks from his back pocket.

"Unfortunately for you, my friend," Goldsmith said. "I have trained with some of the finest martial arts masters of the age. Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, even David Carradine... they all flourished under my tutelage."

He leaped forward, engaging Wonderboy in a kung fu battle of the highest degree.

 

The Most Interesting Man in the World was still just a man. He could not use magic, he could not fly, he could not travel through time, and he was not an ancient, demonic suit of armour. Before coming to the VFX, he had trained to handle all manner of things which would ordinarily destroy him outright.

But he had not prepared for this. Wonderboy simply lay there and took the beatings he gave him. Perhaps the young man was exploiting Goldsmith's sense of honour. Perhaps, more likely, he was more unprepared to face the tournament than John was.

It was true, that Goldsmith expected to die here. He had passed on the chance to drink from the Fountain of Youth because he was not thirsty, and he was ready to explore the afterlife, after going down in the most interesting way. Dying here today was not his fate, however.

But he was an honourable man, and it was not to be Wonderboy's fate, either, unless it was in a fair fight. So Goldsmith tossed aside his weapon, grabbed Wonderboy by the collar of his jacket, and lifted him to his feet. It was a bit of a struggle to do so. Goldsmith had not counted on him being this heavy.

"Let's go, my friend," he said, propping Wonderboy against a rampart and stepping back a bit. "Give me a challenge. Let me see the passion within you. I have been told that the VFX organizers are very good at healing wounds of all shapes and severity. So let us make this fair."

Goldsmith drew a pistol strapped to his back and shot himself in the knee.

 

BANG

Goldsmith had not meant to shoot. It was up in the air if he had actually pulled the trigger at all, or if the force of Wonderboy's body slam had set the firearm off. The accident saved Goldsmith, however. His bones snapped under the bulk of his foe, but the bullet caused the pseudohero to flip over and roll away, clutching his exit wound.

Goldsmith tossed the pistol aside and began to crawl away, blood seeping out of him through dozens of cuts and bruises. He was doomed. Wonderboy had proven to be more challenging than he'd thought.

But wait! There was something in his pocket, cutting him. He pulled it out, and it was a broken bottle of Dos Equis. There was still a little bit of the delicious, life saving drink in the container! Yes. Yes, now he had the chance.

Wonderboy stumbled towards Goldsmith, who rolled over onto his back to face him. This battle would end in a few short seconds.

"I don't often drink beer," Goldsmith said, as Wonderboy dropped to his knees over top of Goldsmith and prepared to punch the Most Interesting Man in the face. "But when I do, I prefer Dos Equis."

And then he drove the jagged bottle into Wonderboy's throat, releasing a cascade of blood over Goldsmith's beautiful salt and pepper beard. Wonderboy gave one final gurgle and fell onto his side, his life escaping through his carotid artery.