Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Smuel, May 3, 2012.
Gah, outwitted again! You shall rue the day, Jojobobo. YOU SHALL RUE THE DAY.
Okay, so it's been roughly three and a half minutes since my last food-based rant.
"Oh no!" I hear you cry, weeping bitter tears of despair. "What delicacy is Smuel about to turn unpalatable with his honeyed words today, forever souring me to its hitherto unbridled delights?" Well, stand back and brace your tastebuds, it's time for Yet Another Mildly Upset Man Spewing Un-Kind Sentiments Describing Indigestible Cuisine, or YA MUM SUKS DIC for short.
Today's topic is pork. The most dry and tasteless of all meats. Centuries ago, wise men realised that the only way to make pork appetising was to turn it into bacon, ham, sausages, salami or any number of other pork-derived products. These were valuable discoveries, and today we salute these brave culinary frontiersmen by adding bacon to almost everything in existence.
And yet... AND YET... "pork chops" are still a thing. THEY SHOULD NOT BE A THING. Like, who the hell is thinking "Ooh, I fancy a pork chop for dinner." Nobody should ever think that, since nobody should voluntarily choose plain boring pork over one of the many derivations that are infinitely superior.
Chicken tastes nice by itself. Nobody feels the urge to turn chicken into chicken-bacon, or something daft like that. Beef also tastes nice, hence beef-bacon doesn't exist. So who is it that can't put two and two together and realise that the last time they were faced with a tough dry piece of cardboard to chew over it was a pork chop, and MAYBE THEY SHOULD STOP CHOOSING PORK CHOP FROM THE MENU.
I'd say that the Muslims and Jews were onto something when they forbade eating pork altogether. I haven't looked this up, but I assume that they allow pork-derived products such as bacon, sausages etc, and only forbid plain pork itself, because otherwise the rule would be a little silly.
Seriously, the only time I can ever remember my jaw muscles literally aching from the effort of chewing food, it was a pork chop. My heart sinks every time someone gleefully announces "pork chops for dinner". Do they hate me? Well, yes, probably. But do they also hate themselves? Well, now that I think about it, it's quite likely. But does the entire supply chain from farm to supermarket shelf hate us both and construct an elaborate scheme whereby pork chops are butchered, packaged, transported, sold, and promoted on cooking shows as if they're the height of indulgence? Well, I mean, I'm not saying that all those people know us personally, but I suppose they would hate us if they did, but even so that's a lot of effort to go to just for the satisfaction of knowing that my jaw muscles ache occasionally. Oh man, they really got one over on me!
In short, no more plain pork! No more plain pork! Come on, chant with me. No more plain pork! Not you, Japes' mom, we know you like a plain pork, but everyone else. No more plain pork! Okay, not you, Jojobobo's mom, go and stand over there with Japes' mom. I'll see you both after class. No more plain pork!
I feel like you've really let yourself down here Smuel. Unlike other terms for fornication, the slang "pork" is only conventionally used as a verb and not a noun (i.e. "Me and Smuel's mum had a right filthy shag on the countertop" works, whereas "I had a pork" makes a man sound like a simpleton).
Overall the whole contrived nature of Japes' and my moms liking "a plain pork" doesn't register as anything but the weakest attempt at a pun, and I'm deeply, deeply disappointed in you.
I think you need to learn when enough's enough, which ironically is a lesson I've been trying to teach your mum for years.
In regards to your other points, pork chops bad belly pork good.
I bow to your superior knowledge as the porking Pork King.
Smuel, are you trapped in an abusive relationship with someone who forces you to eat their lousy cooking? Who is force-feeding you these pork chops that you're whinging about? You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who makes a decent pork chop.
In other news... The search is finally over. I'm engaged! And the future Mrs. Japes makes an excellent pork chop. She's a real gem.
Congrats Japes! Certainly seems to be a development from disenchanted low-hanging fruit conversations from... how many years ago that was now!
And to the rest of you, Good Morning.
No, whenever I get trapped in an abusive relationship I end up doing all the cooking myself.
Um... it's uh... an alpha power move.
Just discovered that Dan Akroyd spells his name Dan Aykroyd.
My life has been a lie.
Dan Ackroyd does WHAT?
If you take a shit, but I don't give a shit, is that theft?
I don't know, but I expect I'll soon have a dream about it.
Nah, you would be more a taker than a giver.
Separate names with a comma.