Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Smuel, May 3, 2012.
You're never too late to announce Happy New Yogurts Smuel.
Also good morning.
Your post reminds me that the most important things in life are small and subtle.
A prime example to show any nimrod that calls you a grammar nazi or says “who cares you know what I mean anyway.”
I also just realized through casual googling that "flesh shelf" is an underutilized anagram.
Until they go, "Joke's on you buddy, I love cum in my mouth."
In other news I had every man's nightmare today, I was mid dump and the fire alarm went off. Still having a bad ankle it becomes a race against time to get out so people aren't like, "Where's Jojobobo, he's not at the muster point and he's on crutches! We'd better go find him," shortly followed by, "Oh, he was just taking a shit."
Part of me did wonder if the cubicle door had become some sort of portal to Smuel's subconscious, like Being John Malkovich with turds.
Of course, it was a drill. Good morning.
So, it was more of a "been to the John, Malkovich?" dream?
So wait, it was a real event that is a figurative nightmare?
Did... did your apartment building(?) run a practise fire drill, and you all had to rally somewhere?
That is a nightmare in a dystopoc authoritarian way, but the pooping is incidental to the horror.
What happens if you tell your neighbours to not count you and skip the drills?
Would they really come and find you on the toilet then be all like, oh i say bad form wot i never etc?
I feel your pain about hobbling, though. It is a special horror being lame.
No it was at work, I've been back in since the 2nd in spite of being gimped. Even Britain isn't that dystopian, yet.
Well I guess I've always been lame, now I just have a bad ankle too. Seems to be gradually improving, as these things do.
In England we have indoor toilets. I guess you wouldn't understand.
... We can lease indoors too.
So, no doubt I caused a global dip in sales of baguettes as a result of my previous devastating rant about the inconvenience of eating them. Now brace yourselves for another blow to international food culture as I turn my baleful gaze towards... pizza.
Yes, pizza. It seems so popular. People go on about it. People voluntarily choose it, when they could have other food. Well, no more, for I shall now explain everything wrong with it.
Firstly, all pizzas taste the same. They're all made of bread, cheese, and tomato sauce. For example, a pepperoni pizza is bread, cheese, and tomato sauce, plus a few slices of dried up salami. A Hawaiian pizza is bread, cheese, and tomato sauce, plus some small pieces of dried up ham and pineapple. A cheese pizza is - I'm sure you're starting to see the pattern here, but I'll tell you - it's the normal bread, cheese, and tomato sauce, with some extra cheese, dried up if at all possible.
No other cuisine does this. Sweet and sour chicken isn't a bed of rice with some small dry pieces of chicken laid out on top - the chicken comes in a sauce! A sauce that tastes different from the sauce in other dishes! If Chinese cuisine modelled itself after pizza, there would be a dish called "rice margherita" which would just be a bowl of plain rice. Which, incidentally, would still be more interesting than pizza.
Secondly, you would think that bread, cheese, and tomato sauce must be some amazing magical combination, since the entire edifice is built upon it. But no. Every single pizza advertisement says that it is "crispy", but this is a lie. The crusts are tough and chewy, the toppings are dried out, and the base is soggy and cold. Perhaps there is a 30 second window when a pizza has just come out of the oven where it is utterly sublime, but I am convinced no human has ever experienced this since the transition from "burn your mouth off" to "whoops now it's cold" happens so fast that Neo in The Matrix would find dodging bullets easier than taking a bite of pizza at the right time.
Do you know what tastes better than spicy chicken pizza? Spicy chicken. When people ask "What's your favourite pizza" what they're really asking is "What's your favourite food, because I'm about to put some tiny chunks of it on top of bread, cheese, and tomato sauce, and then bake all the moisture out of it, while pretending I'm doing you a favour." Thanks, but next time maybe serve the actual food instead?
In conclusion, pizza doesn't deserve its hallowed reputation and anyone who pretends to like it is obviously misguided. "Oh but Smuel, you cross-eyed prick, you should go to Chicago/New York/Milan, the pizza there is _amazing_". No it isn't. It's the same everywhere. I can tell because the people going on and on about pizza are the same everywhere. Germans don't say "Ja, das pizza ist super-gut but du hast to go to San Francisco to experienz der uber-pizza." No, they're enthusiastically ordering the same crappy pizza I've seen everywhere else and then exclaiming "Pizza mit der tuna fisch und sweetkorn? Das beginnt ein Fourth Reich in mein mouth!"
tl;dr - Pizza sucks, especially German pizza, but also all other kinds of pizza.
Looks like someone hasn't tried pizza with Béchamel sauce on the base. I stopped reading at this point because of the staggering depth of your ignorance.
I like pizza in general (simple carbs for a simple man), but not all pizza is created equal. It's not an issue of geography either; you can get shitty pizza anywhere. I think it comes down to style, and quality of ingredients. You can't just go to one pizza joint, eat a pie that tastes like cardboard with ketchup and Cheez Whiz, and decide that all pizza is bad. You gotta play the pizza field a little. Pizza quality varies wildly from pizza joint to pizza joint.
In my town, we have the mass market staples (Little Caesars, Dominoes, Pizza Hut, Papa Murphy's, Papa Johns, listed in ascending order of quality, IMO) that will fill an empty hole and sometimes taste pretty good. But there's also the fire-baked pizza joint where the pizza is consistently good and the toppings are more than just dried up pieces of animal flesh or veggies.
My personal favorite pizza is the Red Baron thin crust pepperoni. Not because it's the best tasting pizza out there, but because it costs like two dollars at the grocery store, can live happily in the freezer for a long time, and takes about 13 minutes from, "I think I'd like to eat pizza" to, "I'm eating tasty pizza!" Because at the end of the day, pizza isn't about expanding culinary horizons; it's about the convenience of shoving meat, veggies, cheese, sauce, and bread into your face hole all at once without making a mess.
Ugh, don't even get me started on people who call pizza "a pie".
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