ITT bad poetry

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Dark Elf, Aug 4, 2017.

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  1. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    Always watch out for the murderous Tree
    Wise men know it is a portent of death
    Whenever its branches come for you, flee

    Under its shadow you can never be free
    Because it wants to deprive you of your breath
    Always watch out for the murderous Tree

    Always on an arboreal killing spree
    Killing you faster than low-grade meth
    Whenever its branches come for you, flee

    Deaf as it is to bargain or plea
    If you are Osiris, it is Seth
    Always watch out for the murderous Tree

    Man of learning, we can both agree
    It is MacDuff, and you are Macbeth
    Whenever its branches come for you, flee

    It simply does not want you to be
    It's the Gileadites' Shibboleth
    Always watch out for the murderous Tree
    Whenever its branches come for you, flee
     
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  2. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    In this merry thread
    We collect cringeworthy poems
    Or even good ones
     
  3. Jojobobo

    Jojobobo Well-Known Member

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    When I was about five or so I wrote a poem that went:

    There is a dragon under my bed,
    He sneaks up and bites off my brother's head.

    Finely crafted poetry indeed.
     
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  4. Jungle Japes

    Jungle Japes Well-Known Member

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    Once every ten years or so, my poetic juices come bursting forth in glorious ode. I'm not due for another ode-gasm for about 8 more years, so I'll just dust off these old gems:

    Ode to Charles
    by Jungle Japes, 2005

    Charles is a Muslim of great faith,
    a brain-damaged warrior of Allah.
    Words from his head
    don't quite make it to the page intact,
    nor do words from the page
    seem to reach his head.

    Unlimited, his patience
    is matched only by his ineptitude
    with the written word.
    Time and again, his arguments,
    smitten down by his fellow Lords,
    are sent back to the fiery battle.
    Refusal to accept defeat? No.
    Inability to understand it.

    Will than Muslims rule the galaxy?
    Or will Charles disappointed be?
    Is Charles gay, or hetero?
    Only Allah know.

    _____________________________

    Ode to the Sonic Butterfinger Blast
    by Jungle Japes, 2015


    Thy icy sweetness. Thy crunchy bits
    of Butterfinger candy bar,
    chocolate coated, pulverized.
    'Tis perfect whipped bliss atop thee sits,
    and under domed lid there are
    soft serve fantasies realized.​
     
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  5. ytzk

    ytzk Well-Known Member

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    I quaff my green tea,
    Buy my sushi from BP
    Gaijin Poetryyy
     
  6. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    Ah, haiku. On a previous Arcanum board, there was a moment when one of the denizens, "Azira", had a bad breakup with his girlfriend, so I wrote the following haiku to cheer him up:

    Friends are here for you,
    In your darkest hour of need.
    Did she have big tits?
     
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  7. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    Repress your feelings;
    Sharing them on the forum
    Just invites the trolls
     
  8. ytzk

    ytzk Well-Known Member

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    Yo, reference nature
    Maybe a poignant pause or shit
    Y'all haiku noobs, dawg
     
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  9. Philes

    Philes Well-Known Member

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    Pretty sure there are 8 syllables in that 2nd line there, sir.
     
  10. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    Endless red desert.
    Everything wants to kill you.
    Australia sucks.

    Is that better, yeetsy?
     
  11. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    In my opinion
    Marmite's from the Devil's arse
    Who would eat that shit?
     
  12. Jungle Japes

    Jungle Japes Well-Known Member

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    Don't care for haiku.
    I rather prefer the ode
    or the limerick.
     
  13. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    It was with pronounced avidity
    The man boasted about his turgidity
    Through innovations of technology
    He'd become a miracle of urology
    And would never succumb to flaccidity
     
  14. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    An old fellow they called "Jungle Japes"
    Spent his days among military apes.
    But each evening he'd stare
    At a game forum, where
    They debated the causes of rapes.
     
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  15. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    A weird pervert whose first name was Jojo
    Had a surname that sounded like "bobo".
    A chemist by day,
    With not enough pay,
    So at night he sucked cocks like a ho-ho.
     
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  16. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    There once was an Elf who was Dark,
    His fists were as brittle as bark.
    In a fight with a tree,
    He came second, you see.
    So now his main weapon is snark.
     
  17. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    The House Of Lords' favourite Asian
    Was accused of forum evasion.
    "She's gone" they all cried,
    But she calmly replied,
    "No, I still check in on occasion."
     
  18. ytzk

    ytzk Well-Known Member

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    How pleasant, just once
    Not to see great walls of text
    Mansplaining rapists.
     
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  19. Jojobobo

    Jojobobo Well-Known Member

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    There once was a guy called Smuel,
    Whose name I couldn't rhyme so well,
    Pronunciation's a bitch,
    So I went for the switch,
    And in the last line blurted out, "fuel".
     
  20. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    Writing a sonnet seems pretty damn hard
    I've half a mind just giving the fuck up
    Because finding rhymes is difficult, yup
    What, do I think myself some fucking bard?
    Trying too hard like some bloody retard
    Yet, how I myself chose to drink this cup
    I'll never know, I wonder what is up
    The experience may well leave me scarred
    And yet I have many lines left to go
    Will I ever see the end of this shit?
    Why did I make this damn thread anyway?
    This has taken me two whole cups of joe
    And I might soon fall victim to a fit
    But this is the last line of the poem, yay!
     
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