Cooking with HoL

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Jojobobo, Jul 14, 2019.

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  1. Jojobobo

    Jojobobo Well-Known Member

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    There's been a lot of talk recently about the unworthiness of baguettes and pizzas recently, so I thought why not create a thread for worthy recipes? These should preferably be dishes you've come up with yourself, but really anything goes if you want to make me sad.

    Without further ado, here's:

    Jojobobo's hot and sour steak sauce

    Background: I ordered a Chinese with a dish that was advertised as "hot and sour", but I found it to be disappointing on both fronts. From there I came up with a sauce that delivers on both those aspects, and most importantly contains chorizo.

    This recipe is more than enough for two people, I'll usually have it with steaks one night and then pasta another.

    Serves: 4

    Ingredients:
    • 1 chorizo sausage
    • 2 sliced red peppers (bell peppers or sweet pointed peppers as you'd prefer)
    • 400g chopped tomatoes (tinned is fine)
    • 200mL red wine (or one of those miniature bottles at around 180mL. I usually use rioja)
    • 100mL red wine vinegar
    • 1 heaped teaspoon cayenne pepper
    • 1 heaped teaspoon smoked paprika

    Method:
    1. Chop the chorizo into around inch long pieces, then half each of those again. Dry fry the chorizo over a medium heat until golden, then add to a sauce pan. If cooking steaks reserve the chorizo oil for frying, otherwise discard.
    2. Add the remaining ingredients to the sauce pan, bring to a boil and the cover with a lid. Reduce the heat and simmer for 2 and 1/2 hours.
    3. Uncover and break up the chorizo further, using a potato masher or whatever else would be appropriate. You're looking to retain some meaty chunks of chorizo, but also to breakdown a fair amount so incorporates directly into the sauce.
    4. Simmer with the lid on for a further half and hour, the uncover and allow to reduce for about an hour (or for less, if you want a thinner consistency).
    5. Serve with tasty steak, pasta, or smothered all over your lover.

    There we have it! I will guarantee deliciousness, and it doesn't really require much effort. More cayenne pepper or vinegar can be added to taste, however I'm wimpy with spice these days so I don't want much more than a bit of heat and the sourness works for me.

    You could add more ingredients if you want (onion, garlic, Worcestershire sauce, etc.) but I like the simple smokiness of the sauce without complicating it further.

    Now I've shown you mine, you show me yours!
     
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  2. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    I promise I'll show you my sausage the next time I go weekly shopping!
     
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  3. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    Why do you discard the chorizo oil?
     
  4. Jojobobo

    Jojobobo Well-Known Member

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    Well ordinarily I do fry with it, however I'm not sure how well it would keep. Seems like it could grow more easily bacterial, however I've not exactly made a study of it (and it's not like you have enough of a quantity to easily decant, just suitable for a single fry to be honest).
     
  5. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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  6. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    I mean why not leave it in the sauce?
     
  7. Jojobobo

    Jojobobo Well-Known Member

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    So it's not so oily. You'll still have some residual oil in there anyway, which is enough for me personally.

    I actually own this, it's one of the joke gifts me brother got me a few years back. I would dig Poo out to prove it, but I'm never a fan of digging out Poo (besides I have no idea where it is anymore).
     
  8. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    See, if it were me, and bear in mind that I don't particularly like cooking, or food in general, but if it were me, I'd chuck a bit of cornstarch in there and mix it with the oil before adding all the other ingredients, so that it emulsifies in the water-based sauce, and also thickens it a bit. That way a) you can spend less time and money in step 4, b) you get more oily goodness in the sauce, and c) there is less waste in general so ytzk is happier.
     
  9. Jojobobo

    Jojobobo Well-Known Member

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    I'm fine making a roux normally for sauce thickening but honestly there isn't that much oil in the first place, and when you simmer for the 3 hours you will get a bit of reduction even with the lid on. An hour reduction is in step 4 is likely unnecessary for most people, I just like my sauces thick as fuck.

    I can see what you're saying but I think a roux is overkill in this instance personally, and I don't think the sauce is particularly lacking in flavour that is would need additional flavouring in the first place (given chorizo is pretty potent).

    On another note, here's the "best" cookbook I've ever seen:
    [​IMG]

    I think me gifting my brother this was what cemented (semented?) our tradition of buying some sort of horrible gift for each other on birthdays and Christmases.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2019
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  10. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    "Discard the excess oil so it's not so oily"
    "Honestly there isn't that much oil in the first place"

    "I like my sauces thick as fuck"
    "A roux is overkill in this instance"

    I mean, on the one hand I'm reluctant to nitpick in this thread since you're clearly just trying to do something nice for your only friends by posting a cool recipe on this forum. But on the other hand, certain standards of consistency and logic must be maintained. You have failed in this aspect, and therefore we must consider the entire thread, and perhaps your entire life, a failure by association. Future historians may very well trace the inevitable collapse of civilization back to the critical moment when Mr Joe J. Bobo failed to properly quantify a few millilitres of chorizo oil in his steak sauce recipe. Do you really want that on your conscience, Mr Bobo?
     
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  11. Zanza

    Zanza Well-Known Member

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  12. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, I did wonder if I was going too far as I wrote it. Though my intention was as much to make fun of my own tendency to argue about any given topic that gets posted, as to roast Jojobobo. I actually appreciate his effort here. So I guess to make things fair I should post a recipe of my own, so that everyone can tear it to shreds in return. I therefore present to you:

    Smuel's Boiled Eggs For People Who Don't Like Cooking Or Food In General

    This is a genuine recipe that I use every Sunday evening, to make my breakfast for the next five or six days. I know it's only a "recipe" in the barest sense of the word, but still, you have to work with what you've got.

    Ingredients
    • 1 old electric kettle that still works but you don't use for making drinks any more
    • 5 or 6 eggs
    • Some water out of the tap
    Method
    1. Put the eggs in the kettle, and add enough water to just cover them.
    2. Plug in and turn on the kettle.
    3. Fuck off.
    4. Some amount of time later (minimum of 15 minutes, maximum of maybe 12 hours) come back, take the eggs out of the kettle, and put them in the fridge. Some fridges have a specific egg holder, but mine doesn't so I use a door shelf, book-ending the eggs with a jar of mustard so they don't roll around too much.
    How to eat
    Take an egg out of the fridge, break open the shell, and spoon the contents into your mouth.

    Notes
    The cooking method works because a) the kettle turns off automatically once the water is boiling, and b) the length of time it takes for the water to cool down is roughly the same length of time needed to cook an egg. This doesn't always work 100% perfectly. In particular it seems that egg yolk cooks faster than egg white, so you do sometimes get a bizarre result where the yolk is cooked to perfection but there is a thin layer of runny white around the edge of it. However, since this recipe is for people who don't like cooking or food in general the correct response is to shrug and eat the egg anyway, like a man. It won't kill you.

    Different sizes or brands of kettles may vary in thermodynamic profile, or eagerness to turn off once they reach boiling temperature, and so you may have to add more water, or fewer eggs, to find the optimum combination for any given kettle.

    The peelability of an egg depends on its freshness. If your eggs are a few weeks old before doing this, you won't need the spoon because they'll peel easily, but unless you're super good at planning your egg usage in advance it's often easier to just use a spoon.

    An advanced consumption tip is to pour a tiny amount of salt into the hand that's holding the egg, then you can dip each spoonful of egg into the salt as you go along.
     
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  13. Jojobobo

    Jojobobo Well-Known Member

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    Well... FUCK YOU!

    In all seriousness, there's no flawed logic here. Different methods of thickening have different consistencies and mouthfeels, ergo a reduction of one volume will have a different consistency to a roux based sauce of an identical volume (here's a guide to mouthfeel of different thickening agents for reference). Therefore, I can like a thick as fuck reduction but not a thick as fuck roux based sauce.

    To put it in terms you would understand, it's like when you're lonely on a Saturday night Smuel. You're feeling blue, you're feeling unloved - so naturally you go to the only place you've even really felt valued: the men's public bathroom. Not "a" mens' public bathroom, the mens' public bathroom - the one that no matter where you are in the world you would always know how to get back to.

    So, you go into the far right cubicle - you know the one with that particular reputation, the one beneath the flickering yellow fluorescent light - and you get ready for business.

    Naturally a 7 inch black cut cock with a 3 inch circumference is going to have a different mouthfeel to a 9 inch uncircumcised pencil dick. Likewise depending on when these gentlemen have previously ejaculated, their jizz might range in consistency from a thick, gloopy pool to something that's not too different to the salty tears of joy you cry as they climax.

    Of course I'm a modern man and I make no value judgements on your almost weekly activities. I simply wanted to draw a comparison I felt you would appreciate.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2019
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  14. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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  15. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    Welp, thanks to my previous post, I now think about this forum every time I eat one of my boiled eggs. I hope you guys appreciate what I do for you.

    And thanks to Jojobobo's last post I think about him every time I suck a dick.

    Mind you, that's an improvement, if anything.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
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  16. Jojobobo

    Jojobobo Well-Known Member

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    C'mon, as if you didn't already.

    I was going to write up another interesting recipe but that seems like far too much effort for a Thursday night, so instead I'll copy and paste a mildly interesting, not-so-unique recipe I already have at hand. Enjoy some B-material!

    Jojobobo's smoky chicken wings

    Background: After eating at several American style restaurants, I became a fan of smoked meat. As I'm not an American or a weirdo, I don't own a smoker. So I did the next best thing - I used liquid smoke.

    Liquid smoke for those of you who don't know is wood smoke that has been condensed into water. Like toast or fried bacon it's also supposed to be mildly carcinogenic - but that's what makes it so delicious. I found a wings recipe and fiddled with the quantities until I got a nice balance of smoke and spice. Also, chicken wings are very cheap.

    Serves: 4, or 2 if you just want to eat a plate of meat

    Ingredients:
    • 1 kg chicken wings
    • 2 tbsp garlic powder (yes that's right, tablespoons and not teaspoons)
    • 1 tbsp smoked paprika
    • 1 tbsp cayenne pepper
    • 1/2 tbsp lightly ground rock salt
    • 1/2 tbsp freshly ground black pepper
    • 4 tbsp hickory liquid smoke (I use Colgin Hickory liquid smoke, which you can get on Amazon)

    Method:
    1. For your wings separate them into what the internet tells me are called wingettes and drumettes (most wings, at least in the UK, are sold without the tip - so you shouldn't need to worry about that). Dislocate the joint in the chicken, then with a very sharp or slightly serrated knife cut beneath the knuckly bit of the drumette. Of course you could just leave them as a whole wing, but that would make you a savage. Remove any larger feathery bits that are remaining on the wings.
    2. Mix garlic powder, smoked paprika, salt, cayenne pepper, liquid smoke and black pepper in sandwich bag (you can use a bowl, but a bag gives better coverage for marinades and rubs typically). Pat dry the wings and coat with the dry rub. Allow to marinate for at least one hour in the refrigerator, preferably 4 hours or more.
    3. Preheat oven to 200°C (390°F, 180°C fan). Line a baking sheet with foil and arrange wings in a single layer (the foil isn't necessary, it just massively reduces the chicken fat you need to clean up). Bake for 20 minutes.
    4. Increase temperature to 210°C (410°F, 190°C fan). Flip wings and bake for a further 20 minutes.
    5. Serve with hot sauce (I like Frank's), appropriate sides (corn on the cob, etc.) if cooking for 4 or just on their own for 2, and likely a little bit of an erection.
    You can of course grill these (medium grill, 20 minutes one side 15 on the other), but if you're going to eat a mound of chicken then you may as well go for the slightly fattier option.

    Alternately you could bring them along to a work BBQ and pretend you have a smoker to show off. Then when your co-workers ask you more and more about your smoker, you do enough research online to convincingly pretend like you have one.

    Eventually you go out for some beers close to your home, and a co-worker insists they pop in and see your smoker because you've made it sound so interesting. Of course, you break down crying and say, "I don't have a smoker, my flat doesn't even have a garden, so just fuck off, just fuck right off!"

    Or do whatever you like, they're your wings.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
  17. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    You want B material? Oh boy.

    Smuel's Chinese Egg

    For people who don't like cooking or food in general but are getting tired of boiled eggs and are willing to spend a couple of minutes cooking. Or alternatively for those who didn't have the foresight to make 5 or 6 boiled eggs at the weekend.

    Ingredients
    • 1 egg
    • 1 ramekin or similar small microwaveable bowl
    • Soy sauce

    Method
    Crack the egg into the ramekin. Cook it in the microwave for 20 seconds. Take out and stir, being careful not to break the yolk (if you do break the yolk then you're making scrambled eggs instead). Put back in the microwave for 15 seconds. Take out and semi-stir. You can't fully stir because part of it will already be solid, but you can sort of re-arrange the non-solid parts. Put back in the microwave for 5, 10, or 15 seconds - however long it takes to cook the remaining uncooked egg white. If you do this right, all of the white will be solid, but some of the yolk will still be a bit runny - this is the ideal Smuel's Chinese Egg.

    Add soy sauce to taste. Serve.

    Notes
    Microwaves don't cook evenly, due to the establishment of standing waves. That's why they have a rotating (or swaying) turntable, but this isn't always sufficient. Hence the need to remove the egg and stir it every 15 seconds. You can use this to your advantage to keep the yolk runny, by placing the ramekin so that the yolk is either in the centre of the microwave, or slightly off-centre, depending on where the standing waves have their highest amplitude. This takes a bit of trial and error.

    Occasionally, due to the above effect, part of the egg will become over-cooked, and explode, sending tiny chunks of egg all over the inside of the microwave. Avoiding this is the main art of the recipe. You have to learn to take the egg out and stir it just before it would have otherwise exploded, which takes some further trial and error.

    It's called "Smuel's Chinese Egg" because of the soy sauce, and also because when I developed it I had a Chinese girlfriend who would make scrambled eggs in the microwave and it's one of my rights as an Englishman to take something that belongs to another culture and make it my own.

    You can do two eggs at once in the same bowl - just double the cooking time.

    If you're in a hurry, you can put a plate over the ramekin, to contain the explosions, but then the yolk definitely won't be runny.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2019
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  18. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    I assume the lack of activity on the forum is because everyone is busy making Smuel's Chinese Eggs. Well, once you have mastered those, you can level up to the next rung in Smuel's egg recipe skill tree.

    Smuel's Japanese Egg

    When drawing comparisons between Chinese and Japanese cuisine, you will note that while the ingredients are often similar, the Japanese place more emphasis on appearance, their dishes often require delicate preparation, and the result is more likely to feature raw food. So it is with Smuel's Japanese Egg.

    Ingredients
    • 1 egg
    • 1 ramekin or similar small microwaveable bowl
    • Soy sauce

    Method
    Break the egg into the ramekin. The yolk must remain whole - if it breaks, you are making Smuel's Chinese egg after all. You can use a fancy egg separator, or a spoon to lift the yolk out of the ramekin and break any strands of white that are attached to it. Then put the yolk back in the ramekin with the white.

    Microwave for 20 seconds. The white will have started to cook slightly, but the yolk will still be raw and now warm. Remove the yolk with a spoon. Microwave the white for 15 seconds, while holding the yolk in the spoon. This requires some concentration, and is a good opportunity to meditate on how all of life is a delicate balance and that what you desire most (Smuel's Japanese Egg) can end in disappointment (dropping the yolk on the floor). If you do drop the yolk on the floor, then you are now making Smuel's Egg White Of Shame.

    You may have to stir the white a bit and put it back in the microwave for another 5 or 10 seconds. True Japanese Egg masters can use the same spoon currently holding the yolk to stir the white, but this is an advanced technique. Once the white is cooked, gently press the spoon into the centre of the egg white to make an indentation, then slide the spoon away leaving the yolk placed there. Add soy sauce to taste. Your goal is to have an uncooked egg yolk on a bed of cooked white, with soy sauce framing the pairing.

    Notes
    This recipe is suitable for impressing a date at breakfast time: Place Smuel's Japanese Egg on a plate. Toast a slice of bread and cut it diagonally into two triangles, then cut each of those in half and arrange the four toast triangles in an overlapping row to one side of the ramekin. Add a couple of cherry tomatoes or grapes (or similar bite-sized fruit) to the plate too, if available. This is very quick to prepare because the toast can be toasting while the egg is cooking. It is best to have practiced making Smuel's Japanese Egg a few times beforehand, because nobody will be impressed by the sight of you mopping up a spilled yolk from the floor.

    My favourite way of eating Smuel's Japanese Egg is to break the yolk and mix it up with the soy sauce, so that you can dip your toast into the resulting creamy salty umami-y mixture. Confidently doing this in front of your breakfast date will let them know that you are a true connoisseur of the finer things in life, and they will never suspect that you don't really like cooking, or food in general.

    If you've never bought soy sauce before, be careful. Some supermarkets sell a thing called "dark soy sauce", which is 17% soy sauce and the rest is caramel and flavouring. If you try using this for Smuel's Japanese Egg, you will anger the ancestral spirits and will be visited in your dreams by a white guy who thinks Japanese culture is really cool and will drone on for hours about why the katana is a superior weapon compared to "weak-ass western swords". Kikkoman is a reliable and properly brewed soy sauce brand. Note the ingredients - water, soy beans, wheat, salt. If there is any mention of molasses, steer clear.

    You can do two or more eggs at once in the same bowl, either leaving one yolk in there to create a Chinese/Japanese hybrid (a Korean egg?), or keeping the yolks in a separate bowl like a bowl-happy TV chef. When I'm doing a multi-egg combo, I transfer the yolks back to the egg shell halves, which I then balance on a dish rack. This works fine, but aesthetically a single egg per ramekin looks best, and a single spoon balancing act looks coolest, so stick with that when trying to impress dates.

    Smuel's Japanese Egg does not guarantee sexual satisfaction.
     
  19. Ruda

    Ruda Active Member

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    I'm confused. But Smuel's Egg White Of Shame sounds great!
     
  20. Smuel

    Smuel Well-Known Member

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    Smuel's eggs for breakfast
    Broken yolk does not spark joy.
    Confusion follows.
     
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