who needs a laugh

Did you hear about the new artificial arm shop that's opened up?

They have great prices on second hand goods.

Also...

What's worse than walking in on your mum fingering herself?

Walking in on your dad doing the same.

 

Beware the invisible man with the bukkake fetish...

You'll never see him coming.

 

That's what they say about men who wear camouflage condoms.

So I meet a woman at an aviary, and she's carrying a pair of owls. Before I can stop myself, I say "nice hooters!" She replies, "Thanks, but they're fake."

 

Time for one of the most disgusting jokes I've ever conjured up:

What's green, smells awful and gets lots of sex?

Beats me, I just found it decaying in an underpass**.

EDIT:

The slightly wider (and more racist and more mysoginistic - unfortunately, but it's a joke website so I think there's little more you can expect) internet deems another of my jokes funny:

Did you hear about the guy who caught his wife cheating, chopped her and her lover up into little pieces and scattered the bits all over the Yorkshire Moors*?

No?

Good.

*Yellowstone park/Coombabah Lake Conservation Park/Sarek National Park/[Insert here - but I felt that I covered the majority of demographics, sorry Muro]

**AMERICA - FUCK YEAH. THEY HAVE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT NOUNS AND VERBS TO THE MOTHERFUCKING BRITISH!

Yeah I mean subway, which I thought until now was just a delicious sandwich.

 

I gave a Chinese guy a blowjob once, but felt like blowing another guy an hour later.

And now, for the joke.

What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before you get on top of the trampoline.

 

Some Japanese students at my local university tried to form a Seppuku society, but the Students' Union wouldn't allow it.

After such a setback, they were absolutely gutted.

 

I shagged a woman against her will last night.

For whatever reason, I find legal documents sexy.

 

In most political discussions I've participated in, my stance on gravity has always been very firm.

 

I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed.
Not my fault they don't have Windows.

 

Rudolph, of "red nose reindeer" fame recently collided with a flock of seagulls and a Boeing 747 in Barcelona. Onlookers report that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

 

I'll never forget the day when I went into a deserted classroom to cry during lunch break. After about half an hour, another kid in a wooly hat came in looking to do the same. We looked at each other awkwardly for a few minutes before he asked, "What's wrong with you?"

Wiping my eyes I said, "Every Tuesday when my parents go to yoga, my uncle comes round to babysit. It was okay at first, but for the last few weeks he's been acting kinda funny. To start with, he was a bit too touchy - you know ruffling my hair a lot and putting his hand in lap when we were watching TV. Then it got weirder - he took off his shirt and asked me to feel how toned he was, also when I took a bath he insisted that he talk to me whilst I was having it. He lied, he didn't talk at all. All he did was watch.

"Last Tuesday, he was the worst he'd been. He tried to make me touch his muscles again, but I said I didn't want to. He got mad, and grabbed me by the hair, and pulled out his... you know... thing. I tried to pull away, but he tightened his grip until I thought he'd pull all my hair out, and so I had to... I had to... I put it in my mouth. He said if I dare bite on it, he'd break my fucking jaw, and so I did what I had to.

"It's been eating me up inside, I feel all dirty. This morning I broke down and told my dad. He told me I was a filthy fucking liar! He told me his brother would never do a thing like that! He said if I mentioned it again, he'd kick me out of the house.

"Now I don't know who to trust, who to talk to. My life just feels like one long nightmare, my happiest moments are when I go to sleep so I don't have to think. I... I just don't know what to do anymore. Why, what's wrong with you?"

Pulling off his hat the boy cried, "I'm ginger!"

"Shit," I replied, "and here I was whining about my insignificant problems."

 

I feel like that joke would work better, i.e. if the narrator were the ginger lad.

Or perhaps it would be best if entirely in 3rd person.

 

I can see what you're saying, but I'm too lazy to change it now. I'll leave you with some more fruit of my mental loins:

I shagged a woman against her will last night.

For whatever reason, I find legal documents sexy.

 

You can't run through a campground.

You can only ran.


Cause it's past tents.

 

Why was the mermaid wearing seashells?



She grew out of her b-shells.

 

Gus Fring: What came first - the chicken or the meth?

 

Damn. Actually had to Google that name. I'm a bit ashamed I haven't seen it yet.




What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

 

I hope this hasn't been said yet, I haven't read through all pages on this thread.

There were two Americans driving a boat in Germany. Suddenly, they hit a rock and started sinking.
They quickly went to their radio, and called "Mayday, mayday! We are sinking!".

A German answered quickly, and said "Zhis is ze German Coast Guard, what are you zhinking about?

 

What does a baby look like while it's being microwaved?


I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

 

In a bar last night, I was really hitting it off with a girl. After getting to know each other over a few drinks, she lent over and said seductively, "Let me show you what I can do with my tongue." Taking a cherry stem she slipped it into her mouth, and in a few minutes had it knotted tightly in the middle.

"You think that's impressive," I replied winking, "wait until you see what I can do with my fingers."

Twenty minutes later after demonstrating a sheet bend and a half hitch she left - teach her to show off to a knot enthusiast.