who needs a laugh

Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave tracks like snails.

Why does Helen Keller wear skin-tight pants?
So people can read her lips.

 

Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the Doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "You're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

 

Guy gets pulled over for speeding down highway. The cop walks up to the man's vehicle and asks, "Is there a reason you were driving so fast, sir?"

To which the man replies, "Yes. I am on my way to a job." The officer then asks, "What kind have job requires you to drive so fast?"

"Well," says the man, "I am an Asshole Strecher." The cop's thinks to himself what the fuck...an asshole strecher?! and then asks the man, "What the hell does an Asshole Stretcher do?"

The man then procedes to tell the officer, "Well, somebody decides that they need their asshole stretched, so they give me a call. When I get there I start real gentle like with one finger. After a bit I get another finger in...proper lubrication being the key...and after a bit more stretching and pulling I am able to get a few fingers in there. I keep going until i can finally get both hands working at it. I stretch and pull until I get to about shoulder width, and then I take a breather. After that we continue the process of stretching and pulling, usually stopping around six(6) feet."

The officer although slightly taken aback and a little bewildered is forced to ask, "What do you do with a 6 ft asshole?"

The man replies: "You give him a badge and a radar gun!"

 

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/

 

The counter man in the ice cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store across the way, heading for his shop. The customer entered, set a small Thermos container on the counter, and unwrapped a condom.
"Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it."
The counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream content, to the customer. The customer placed the arrangement in the
Thermos jug, and capped the jug.
"What," asked the ice cream purveyor, "Is the reason for that?"
"For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, by fuck I'm going to give it to her!"

 

i need laf

 

Who's new and stupid and can't spell laugh?

 

*Provides beatings all around for those who talked in the Joke thread*
What's the perfect woman? A deaf, dumb and blind nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.

Why does it take women longer to climax?
who cares?

How can you tell when a Swedish woman isn't wearing any underwear?
By the dandruff on her shoes.

Why don't they let women swim in the ocean anymore?
They can't get the smell out of the fish.

 

DU....that was sick! wrong! vile! disgusting! blinding! and one helluva BURN!!! :thumbup:




What do women and bowling balls have in common? -You can carry 'em like a six-pack!

What do you call that little bit between a puss and an ass? -Taint. Cause it taint ass, and it taint pussy. Taint good for nothin!

Why do women have periods? -Because they deserve 'em!

 

Two lawyers entered a small restaurant, ordered two drinks, then took their sandwiches out from their suitcases.

A waiter said, "I'm sorry, but in this restaurant you can't eat the food you bring."

The two lawyer looked at each other for a while. Reluctantly, they shrug their shoulders and exchanged their sandwiches.

-Lydia Prince


A boss and two managers took a taxi to go for their lunch. There was a lamp inside the taxi. The boss touched the lamp, and suddenly a fairy came out from the lamp. "I can grant each of you a wish," said the fairy.

The senior manager seized the lamp from the boss and said, "I want to go to Bahamas to enjoy the nice sunny beach." In a blink of eyes, the senior manager disappeared.

The junior manager was so excited and he cried, "I want to go to Miami, to enjoy the food and drinks with girls." And he disappeared, like the senior manager.

At last, it was the boss's turn to have his wish. "I want those two fools come back to my office after their lunch."

- Ashfaq Ahmed


These two are from the Reader's digest. I translate them from the Chinese version, so the words I used may be a little bit strange.

 

Why do drug manufacturing companies put cotton balls in medicine bottles after the pills?

To remind black people that they once picked cotton before they dealt drugs.

 

Why do blacks always have sex on thier minds?
because they've pubic hair on thier heads.


A crowd gathered on a Harlem sidewalk where a white guy was jumping up and down on a man-hole cover energetically shouting "Twenty-eight! Twenty-eight!" FInally one big black guy was unable to restrain his curiosity. "What you doin dat fo?" he roughly questioned the jumpper.
"Listen, it really makes you feel great. You wouldn't believes how it relieves the tension, cools you out... why don't you try it for yourself?" So, somewhat suspiciously, the big black guy started jumping up and down on the manhole cover. Just as he was getting into a rhythm, the white guy pulled the cover out from underneath him, and the black tumbled down the hole. Cheerfully replacing the cover, the guy started jumping up and down again, shouting "twenty-nine! twenty-nine!"

 

A Black and a Mexican are in a car. Who's driving?

The cops.


Two Mexicans are in a truck. Who's driving?

Border patrol.

What do you call a bus load of black people going over a cliff?

Good start.

What do you call an empty seat on that bus?

A tragedy.

What do you call two Mexicans in a shoe box?

A pair of loafers.

 

What do you call a bunch of black guys rolling down a hill? -A mudslide

If so, what do you call a bunch of white guys rolling down a hill? -An avalanche

Then, what do you call a bunch of Mexicans rolling down a hill? -A jailbreak!

How do you stop a black man from drowning? -Take your foot off his head

How do you stop a black man from choking? -Cut the rope

How do you start a parade in Mexico? -roll a quarter down a hill

What do you call 9 white guys in a vehicle? -drunk

What do you call 9 Mexicans in a vehicle? -efficient

What do you call 9 black guys in a vehicle? -felons

What is black, blue and white? -a Rodney King beating(police brutality)

What is black, white, black, white, black, white? -a black man having sex



I ain't racist....I got a black&white TV.

 

Fuck this shit, I posed a massive spiel of jokes and now they aren't even here.
*spits the dummy*
I spent like 10 mins typing it... :'(

*realising he must add a joke to his post, Chunky quickly scrounged up the best joke he could pull out of his ass*
"Sorry the papar has some brown smears on it but I think I can make out this much":
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

There, you smelly whores.

 

Well I can't risk going a page without me being there, so here's a joke I heard at work tonight.....

What's the worst time for a jockey to win a race?...

12:31, because it's twenty nine to one.

 

What type of soap do asians hate most?

Tide