Ah, family...

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Jungle Japes, Jan 18, 2014.

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  1. Jungle Japes

    Jungle Japes Well-Known Member

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    I know most of you don't communicate with the Almighty, but to those who do pray: put in a word for my brother. He has been living with me for the past 18 months, and I've been mostly successful in keeping him out of trouble. He has mental issues: PTSD, ADHD, and some kind of psychosis. Anyway, tonight he came totally unchained, tried to punch someone out, then packed a bag and stormed out. So that's the end of that, he won't be staying with me anymore. But he has nowhere else to go, having burned every other bridge a long time ago. So, just pray that he won't hurt himself or anyone else, and that he ends up wherever it is he needs to be.
     
  2. Zanza

    Zanza Well-Known Member

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  3. Jojobobo

    Jojobobo Well-Known Member

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    I'm not the praying sort, but I hope everything works out for the best. Is there no way you can keep tabs on him? Pretty much 90% of my usage of social media is to see what my family is doing when I'm too lazy to give them a call - which is quite a lot of the time.
     
  4. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    What sucks about these situations is that people won't seek help out of their own volition, and only receive needed treatment once they've gotten in trouble with the law. You've no doubt tried encouraging your brother to, as you say, go wherever he needs to be. I feel your pain and frustration, and I hope things work themselves out.
     
  5. Jungle Japes

    Jungle Japes Well-Known Member

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    He borrowed a phone from somebody and called me last night after he cooled off for a while. I put him up in a cheap motel, and today he's probably going to get checked in to a hospital. Hopefully this time they'll put him in a mental hospital instead of just throwing him in the psych ward for a couple weeks. Unfortunately, he falls in that middle ground where he's enough of a basket case that he can't function as a member of society, but not crazy enough to get committed.
     
  6. ytzk

    ytzk Well-Known Member

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    I have been through something very similar with a member of my family, dude, right down to the phase of the moon on which it happened. Sorry to hear of it, you must have been very worried.

    I don't think the Almighty would receive my prayers because I can't do it honestly, but I will remember him in my mettapana meditation, which is the bit and the endwhere you send everyone good intentions with your full attention. It's the best I can do.

    Best wishes for him in the future, and good on you. Respect.
     
  7. Wolfsbane

    Wolfsbane Well-Known Member

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    Hopefully everything will work out for him. You have my sympathies.
     
  8. Philes

    Philes Well-Known Member

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    That sucks bro. Family always puts you in a rough situation, if that had been a roommate or a friend you just kick his ass out. But it's your *brother* so you have to follow through.

    Good luck to you.
     
  9. Jungle Japes

    Jungle Japes Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for thoughts and prayers. He will probably be discharged from the hospital tomorrow, and I'll either have to take him back in or tell him to pack sand. Not sure which it will be, my mind changes minute to minute. While it would be a huge relief to have him out of my life, and I'd be totally justified in taking that course, I just don't know if I can. There's a very real possibility that he'll kill himself if he feels like I've turned my back on him, since he's totally dependent on me and I'm the only person he trusts. And apparently I'm the only one who can put up with his shit for more than a few days.

    However...

    He has zero consideration for the feelings of others, mine included. He is a constant drain on resources, and him getting a job is out of the question; he's lazy in the extreme, and mental illness gives him a cop-out. He has an excuse for everything, takes blame for nothing, blames others for all the ills in his life, remembers every perceived affront, and never lets anything roll of his back. He bitches constantly; ironically, he bitches the loudest when he feels like someone is shirking work or not doing their job right. He has an infuriating sense of entitlement. He eats SO much food; however much food is available, that's how much he is going to eat, so it's impossible to stock more that a week worth of groceries.

    Unsurprisingly, having him in my life has been seriously detrimental to my mental, spiritual, and financial well-being. He's like a psychic vampire, slowly leeching away every ounce of joy from my life. I just don't think I can keep putting up with him and facilitating his life of consumption and laziness. So, come what may, I think I've got to cut him loose.

    At least that conversation should be blessedly short. If I know him as well as I think I do, it won't take long for him to tell me to fuck off and hang up on me.
     
  10. ytzk

    ytzk Well-Known Member

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    Been there, done that as well.

    There's no easy answer. Best wishes.
     
  11. Jojobobo

    Jojobobo Well-Known Member

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    Is there no way to convince him to seek serious medical treatment of his own accord? I guess you can always present him with an ultimatum (either get help or I'm turfing you out), at least then if he does leave it's completely his own doing rather than something you imposed on him as you have presented a situation whereby he could stay.

    On the downside, ultimatums tend to be needlessly dramatic and presenting people with a choice such as that is still letting them have the control. I think some people actually respond better to needless drama however than when you try to treat them as a rational human being capable of listening to reason, so it really depends on your circumstances.
     
  12. ytzk

    ytzk Well-Known Member

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    I've thought more about your situation, and the similar one I've faced and I just wanted to share some thoughts.

    First, I owe a lot to those who tolerated my unstable bullshit in my twenties. Without them, I may not have survived.

    Second, society is ruthless and is in the habit of eating angry young men for breakfast. It may be that your brother really does need your help to survive.

    Third, many kinds of mental illness result in good days and bad days. Two steps forwards, three steps back, sometimes, but it does get better. Unless it is full blown schizophrenia, it is usually more stable by their thirties, or at least better managed. It does get better.

    Fourth, you can't save a drowning man if he pulls you down whenever you get close enough. It is entirely up to you to decide where your limits are.

    Finally, unreasonable people are unreasonable, but they aren't stupid. If your limits are clear and the consequences of crossing them are consistent, they can be trained. Less easily than a cat, but more easily than a chicken.

    No easy answers, good luck.
     
  13. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    Re:

    I won't attempt to defend how he treats other people, but my history of mental illness is rather present on this board. I might be able to give insight as to what he's doing;

    He probably doesn't realize he's treating other people the way he does. Yes, he's responsible for his actions, but he feels they're justified. It looks like you're describing someone who's either really depressed or just has an absent sense of self-worth. Either way, he's going to act in a way that preserves what ego he's got left, and in this case it looks like he's holding other people responsible for his life. You're obviously included, in that you implied he's put his life in your hands.

    It's good that you said "perceived affront," because that ties into his self esteem. His current mind-set has him geared for hyper vigilance, and his low self esteem is going to put a negative spin on everything he hears. This adds up to a man who will remember things quite vividly, and it all looks like people have been attacking him - which goes right into how you said he suffers from PTSD - he's stuck in a feedback loop, and he's trying to protect himself by lashing out.

    As for laziness, it might be all he can do to eat you out of house and home, and bitch about others' work ethics. I recall when my flashbacks were at their worst, all I could do was distract myself from them.

    All that said, it's probably not a good idea to let him live with you unless you have the patience for him. People with PTSD are unpredictable and it takes as long as it has to before they learn to separate past trauma from present events. And, in the long run, he's got to be the one to figure out what works for him. It ends up being a trial by fire.

    I do hope that everything's working out as it needs to, though, regardless of what you will choose to do or have already chosen.
     
  14. Jungle Japes

    Jungle Japes Well-Known Member

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    He's fully aware that he can't function in society, and he wants help. Unfortunately, up until now he has had no health insurance to speak of, so getting him the help he needs has been impossible. But since he checked in to the behavioral health center, he has gotten approved for some form of state sponsored insurance, so hopefully we're getting closer to a solution. I'm just praying that he gets approved for the SMI (Severely Mentally Ill) program. That would basically set him up with everything he needs and take the burden off of me. And I'm hoping we can figure something out before they have to discharge him.

    But yeah Gross, I know he does a lot of what he does just to cope. If I didn't think his mental illness at least partially excused his behavior, I would never have taken him in in the first place.
     
  15. Grossenschwamm

    Grossenschwamm Well-Known Member

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    I existed in that grey area for far too long. So I might understand what he's going through in that he's not quite "broken" enough to get all the help he needs.

    It really sucks how much a close family bond can stress a person out so much, and I'm sorry you've had to deal with this as much as you have. However, that pain and what you've said here just shows how much you care about your brother. That's something to be commended.

    I know this forum may not be known for genuine sentiment...or any sentiments, but you're obviously a great brother.

    It's something I would have liked when I was at my worst.
     
  16. Jungle Japes

    Jungle Japes Well-Known Member

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    Just an update: After a lengthy stay in a psychiatric hospital, my brother is now on a different cocktail of drugs which seem to be helping keep him stable. He also got approved for various benefits from the state, and is now in a subsidized apartment. So at least for the near-term, the situation has reached an acceptable conclusion. Thank you all for your prayers/well wishes.
     
  17. ytzk

    ytzk Well-Known Member

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  18. Wolfsbane

    Wolfsbane Well-Known Member

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  19. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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